What has 2008 done for me?

We started 2008-unmarried, knowing I was perfectly fertile after 2 years of trying, and excited for the arrival of a new puppy. February brought the 0 sperm count and me watching DH lose all sense of masculinity. March was a fog of IF depression that had lingered on and off for months and a birthday I can't recall. April was the first RE visit, which offered little new information on the IF front and a referral to the urologist-Dr. DaVinci. IVF-ICSI was our only choice for bio-babies which really depressed me. IVF was something I wanted no part of. It was also there that dear Dr. Katz strongly suggested I put down my warrior woman ways and get married to save the $$$. It also brought fear the DH would crumble and not follow through. May is a distant memory of DH's urologist visit, his panicking and calling for information that he couldn't recall but that I couldn't forget. June was our Not-Wedding Wedding on the beach and the exciting news that the urologist was joining our RE's office! July was the month that Dr. DaVinci took off to film and do media tours while "moving" to the new office. It mean everything was getting pushed further back. August I called back to the urologist to make an appointment to magically find that they had been accepting appointments earlier but that I would now have to wait till September. September was the urologist follow-up that left us with really expensive vitamins and booby pills! October was the set-up of our cycle by me begging unnecessarily to my RE after my nurse told me no December cycles. November we skittishly began injectables. December was the fun of stimming, daily monitoring, insane E2 levels, retrieval, microTESE, OHSS, NO SPERM, lucky two sperm=lucky two embryos, disgusting prometrium, and finally the mythical BFP. 

Going out with a bang-HELL YEAH! This marks the end of a three year struggle,  the beginning of a new life, and the true strength of our relationship. I can't help but feel guilt, as though it's all been handed to me. I am truly grateful for that which we have accomplished together. I hope 2009 treats us, as well as all of you, very kindly. 

Beta

Sniffle, sniffle, sniffle-I love being sick. I got virtually no sleep with all the anxiety of today's beta rushing through my mind. So I prepared as all good IVFer's do, for the absolute worst news of negative hCG. We got up, went to the office, blood was drawn and we were back out in 15 minutes. It's nice this time of year, we were the last people accepted to start stimming so there is virtually no one around. Then it was a Bob Evans breakfast and back home for a quick nap since I had to work. Well, the nap was not so quick and when DH came to wake up I realized I had to pee!!

So off to the bathroom I went with stick in hand. I found the stick last night, DH had shoved it in with his shirts. I POAS and covered it up with directions. Seriously, are directions necessary? That picture is ridiculous! Went downstairs, and after three minutes we went back together to find the mythical BFP. 

Yes it's a cheap test but I couldn't see wasn't money on something that a.) could deliver undesired results and b.) I was already paying for at the RE's that was more definite. However neither one of us was overjoyed by this. I was kinda of like-yay, lets go eat. DH was still waiting to hear the results before he was willing to accept it.

My nurse called at 1:43 which wasn't her normal 3-ish call time. So in the blink of an eye I thought somethings was horribly wrong, then rationalized that I am one of only a handful of patients. She was so excited for us. We chatted and talked about what a miracle this is considering we only had two sperm! She discussed all the details and then finally told me the magically number-291-which she was very pleased with and said was "great". I felt like the first grader with the gold star! My number was great! DH took a while to get a hold of so I tormented him a bit. So naughty but who would leave their phone on silent when waiting for arguably the more important call of their life?

So 291 at 12dp3dt. We're pregnant. It hasn't settled in. No one knows, except all of you of course. All of you who I credit with making this a success! Friday is Beta #2 and my nurse doesn't seem to think I'll need a third and will go straight to u/s. That I am excited about. I think once I see it, I'll believe it more. Maybe now I'll get a freakin' pic! Wouldn't it be the greatest story for my clinic to post on their web page? 2 sperm, 2 embies, beta over 200, maybe 2 babies? All attributed to our lucky $2 bill! I'm not getting excited, but 291 did seem a tad high when I looked around. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping though! Happy 4 week, 1 day to me!

Duh!

So I knew this-but I didn't know this. Prometrium=progesterone=elevated BBT. Duh! 

DH is laying down, rather knocked out from his dentist visit today. All five hours we were there left me alone with my thoughts. Now I am uber nervous about tomorrow's beta. This is the real deal. I soooo wish I knew where the stick was. I even looked for it with DH's taunts of "it's hiding in plain sight" lurking in the back of my head. No luck. I think he lied and is carrying it around in his pocket or something. I'd really rather do it right now, by myself. I want to get it over with. I have to work tomorrow, and I will get "the call" at work which either way will ruin my night. As for now, I am a moderate wreck. A lonely wreck with no symptoms to hang on to other than what was interpreted a implantation bleeding last Sunday. Last night I was so sure, I just knew. But now there is not escaping the vampires tomorrow. Sumus quod sumus.

BBT

Not that I've charted my BBT or even bothered to take it in over a year, but I decided Sunday to help aid my 2ww that I'd see what it said. Sun- 98.11 and Mon-98.26. Now two numbers aren't a lot, but considering that they were 14 & 15dpo (I think-we triggered the 13th) and my normal luteal phase is 10-12 days and my cover line usualy rested somewhere in the 96-97 range-that is enough to satisfy and encourage me! Still haven't found the stick, not that's I've been looking :)

But now I am really curious and confident-maybe too much. Does prometrium keep your temp up too? Any thoughts?

The Screaming Child

This is a totally not an IF related blog.

We live in a duplex. My uncle's parents quietly lived next door till this summer when they sold it and moved to a beautiful home down the shore. Fast forward to August. In moves generic family. What awful people. Husband, wife and child. This loving couple enjoys late night screaming matches and violence. Doors slamming, stuff throwing, the noises of breaking objects and strings of profanities! These tiffs usually last an hour or so. However, there is more! I wouldn't leave you stranded with just the over bearing, "I put a house over your head" husband and his dismissive wife. Young child is a handful too! Sometimes the lovely couple will argue over the young child's late night behavior.

Young child is around 9, rather old to be standing at the top of the stairs screaming and pleading for her mother. However it doesn't stop at screaming and pleading. We get a full floor show that provides stomping, banging, kicking and slapping of the adjoining wall! All of which is audible throughout my home, you cannot escape no matter what you try. This isn't a quick show either, you certainly get your moneys worth here! Dear young child goes at for 30-45 minutes each time, and there are usually about 3 episodes every show night! In fact I'm being treated to one right now! Mother doesn't seem to care. Neither does father. I am of the mind that they think she might give up or cry herself to sleep. I think that hope died when she entered grade school but what does the infertile know?

So here I stand, sad at the life that surrounds the child next door. Sad that she is being raised in such an environment. Upset that I lose sleep. Aggravated because it sets my dogs on edge. Do I call the police and file a noise complaint? Turn it into a social services case? I plan to write a letter to these neighbors I barely know stating they've worn the welcome out in my BEDROOM and I'll tolerate no more. I don't know what to say or when I'll find the gaul to do so. It's hard not to be judgmental, I feel like they've "ruined" a "perfectly good" kid. I could have done it much more efficiently! As jealous as children make me and how out of character this is for an IF person, "Shut your damn kid up!"

Now I feel better. 

35 minutes and she's still going strong!

A Hidden Stick

We purchased the sacred stick. It has been mutually agreed upon that we'll test when we get home from beta. As much as I love my nurse, I'd really rather find out myself. I'd like to find out right now, and being 9dp3dt I feel like the results would be pretty solid. I'm already past my normal luteal phase and getting excited although I'm fairly certain the prometrium would prevent AF. So to prevent me from cheating, DH has hidden my pee stick! To further taunt me he said that it is hidden in plain sight and that if I find it before Tuesday I can use it. 

So do I look? Do I want to know? Can I handle knowing? I don't know, I just don't know. I am really starting to wig out! I'm starting to plan things out and get excited but I don't want to put the cart before the horse or whatever that saying is. Youth isn't everything, but it sure helps!

Christmas

Well what a day. 

I stayed up late christmas eve baking pumpkin rolls-which everyone seemed to love. That of course left me tired for christmas day when we had to get up extra early for presents and breakfast so we could get the rest of the cooking out of the way. This year we set a limit, with all the costs and potential costs of this cycle I couldn't justify indulging in material items to satisfy my anxiousness. It was really amazing how we were able to finagle so much from so little. The boys were gifted with new bones and two new toys from Santa Paws and were delighted. DH and I noticed we had two boxes that were exactly that same size, shape and wieght-what a coincidence! Yes, we bought each other the same gift. I'm just glad my mom also didn't get us the same thing! What would we have done with 3 covers for our Wii Fit?

We traveled first to the SIL's which was suppose to be relaxing for me as my family is bat-shit crazy. Well I was greeted by huge hugs don't ya know? After a cordial welcome, the MIL busts out with "So have you heard anything yet?" but I kept my cool. I lied of course and told her we wouldn't know till after the New Year. So that settled her, she went on to ask how I was feeling and yadda, yadda, yadda. Then after dinner SIL did the same thing when everyone vacated the dining room. Then proceeded to inquire why I wasn't POAS's and informed me that she would twice a day till she got a result she was pleased with. It must be nice to be a fertile-myrtle! Then the last blow was when my SIL's friend was leaving. V is a very nice woman and a great friend to the SIL, she came to hug me good bye-weird- and said she believed a congratulations was in order! No, not yet people! Just chill! I have only myself to blame for telling my SIL anything at all. She can never keep her big mouth closed! I wonder if she told them about the mess these suppositories make too or that I cried like a baby and hid from DH the morning we did our first Lupron shot?!  So we had to run to make it to our second dinner and I really started to lose it when we made it to the car. DH is so sweet, he is so attentive and worried over me now. I think he freaked out a little. But he understood and after a quick chat, off we were!

Then it was my cousin M's house-full of people! Yet my other prego cousin K was no where to be found. She is always late so I knew she would be arriving soon. We ate and everything was well. The in comes prego, who proceeds to throw down her 18 week ultrasound pics and goes of fin search of food. That was when everyone started to gather and ohh and ahh. Luckily my cousin M who I have confided in, but only piece of info without great detail, was there to talk to us and we all made fun of prego. We always make fun of prego, it was a pregnancy attack- I know what you all were thinking! My younger sister had a melt down that nearly ruined the evening but my cousin was able to diffuse the situation luckily. I had to wait around for everyone to leave to get all the details, but it was one of her typical, pointless explosions. She sat her self in a corner and continued to be a waste of space. I am so greatful of my cousin for not spilling the beans. I knew she wouldn't I was still worried that she would slip and my mother would find out. I never tell my mother anything, we have a distant relationship at best. I didn't even tell her we married, she found out 4th hand which didn't go over well. Although DH almost sank us when he referred to hospital bracelets which perked mother's ears but I continued to talk, non-stop for 10 minutes changing the topic multiple times to distract her!

So over all we had a good night I think. 

I still want to POAS, but like Clio I am nervous. This is our only chance and I know that disappointment will not be handled well. I am getting upset because I want chocolate and my face is breaking out. Both period symptoms from me, however the prometrium could be blamed for the acne, and my sudden desire to eat healthy and abandon junk food could explain the chocolate desire. I have no signs or symptoms and with Tuesday fast approaching, I'm getting myself way to worked up. I have been peeing an awful lot and having an insatiable appetite, both of which would be way to early to be attributed to pregnancy. I just want a sign, preferably a plus sign!

Cake Time

To help ease this funk that I have found myself in, I opted to bake a cake. A distraction for me, a treat for DH. This morning all my bloating seems to have magically disappeared. I doubt it's the estradoil. Maybe it's luck, but I just feel bad about it. I don't know if I was truly hyperstimulated, that was just my educated guess since I had all the symptoms from the nifty paper they sent us home with. I'm not sure why I was so attached to my uncomfortable, bloated tummy, I think it was just because it was something physical to behold where in this two week wait there is nothing to do but think. Today my thoughts aren't so bright, my mood is quite sad and my toes are freezing. 

After talking with DH last night I understand his point of view and not wanting to get worked up if the stick lies, however I still want to do it. I feel like if I do it the day before beta or the morning off it should be fairly reliable! I'm only 5dp3dt but I like to plan ahead :) It really saddens me that he won't do it with me. So I guess I'll just wait till beta. As much as I don't want to hear bad news from someone else, I really don't want to POAS alone. So I guess no matter how you look at it I will be alone. Either when I go for beta and get the call, or POAS. I think I'll wait to tell him when I do find out, maybe a day or so, that way I can collect myself and my thoughts. That's his punishment for abandoning me! LOL!

It's 19 degrees in Baltimore at 7 o'clock...

Prometrium and I still aren't friends. I feel like it's not working, I don't know what I expect it to do or how I would know that it was "working", but I feel like it's not. However it is certain to leave a mess, four times a day, and it has been outrageously successful in making my face break out. I feel like I should be emotional and have hormone fits like I did while I was stimming. I'm so blank emotionally, I guess because I am tired all the time. Which I'll also blame in the prometrium. The more I think about it, the prometrium is doing something, just not what I expected. 

Implantation?

Ever since last night I've been monitoring every twinge, cramp, imaginary movement in my belly. If you follow the science, sometime on Sunday we should have had implantation. Sunday was 3dp3dt making the embryos 6 days old-peak planting season! When I went to the bathroom yesterday there was this little bit of brown mucus-y stuff. The kind that only shows on the first wipe, never to appear again. Implantation? I think I might be making too much of it, but I am soooo obsessing over it! I even told DH which lead to me finding out that he is more anxious and nervous than I am. Who would have thought? But I am too tired to care at this point and going back to work has made things interesting. Luckily school is out and I can nap! 

I'm really trying not to get myself geared up. The hyperstimulation still has me bloated, which is still bothering the areas of sleep and pants fitting! I'm tired and have x-mas as a distraction for now so that should get me through the week. It's that next week that is going to kill me. That week that I think it would be perfectly acceptable to POAS but DH is of the mind to follow the rules. We'll see. This evening I start estrace which should bring back all those lovely mood swings and emotional instability that I love so much. We continue our dear prometrium and hurry up and wait! I should really be wrapping gifts, cleaning and a million other things right now-but I think a nap is in order!

Lastly before I go....any good, friendly yet firm ideas to tell your neighbors that walls are thinnest between the hours of 12 a.m. and 6 a.m. and that you are tired of hearing their arguements? Really, who argues at 3 a.m.? If DH and I are going to get into it, we aren't going to wake up at an obscure hour just to pick a fight! These people are insane and I refuse to let my sleep continue to be disturbed!

What is going on?

The last two mornings I've been up at 4 a.m. with an unruly stomach. This is beyond hungry, this is giant hole caused by your tummy eating itself! I'm only 3dp3dt so I'm chalking it up to the prometrium. I blame prometrium for everything wrong in my world right now! From the constant tummy ache and nausea, to the back ache and dizziness. I keep thing what is going on with me, but then I remember the roller coaster ride I waited in line all summer to ride! Lucky for me I get to go back to work today. That should be interesting with all the standing and heavy lifting. I am really not ready to go back, and that's not the laziness talking!

As for this morning, I was woken up by DH screaming at the puppy. Well he's one now but he is still a baby. Dear Kenton had taken it upon himself to knock off and break on the "irreplaceable" ornaments from the tree AND chewed through TWO sets of lights. I'm surprised he didn't yelp! DH is very, VERY into christmas, it takes him hours to get the tree perfect. Yet every time we leave, the puppy makes little tweaks to his design that drive him crazy. Luckily we picked up shatterproof ornaments this year and have moved all the important ornaments to the top. 

I completely freaked out this morning because our older dog Orion flopped his big ol' head on my stomach! I should mention that Orion weighs as much as I do if not more so that head carries alot of weight. I don't like feeling so out of control. I keep waiting for the mythical implantation light to go off so I can celebrate! Today should be the day they implant to I know I'll go nuts over analyzing every twinge and inkling I have. I just need to let go.

***stick, grow, thrive***stick, grow, thrive***

Redistribution

The Duggars make me sad. If I could pop out babies like a pez dispenser, I think I'd start shipping them out to everyone with an IF blog. It'd be a form of redistribution of wealth!

I'm bitter. 

***stick, grow, thrive***stick, grow, thrive***

It's official

1dp3dt

Nothing to write home about but I'm excited none the less. Bed rest killed me and I'm ready for my abdomen to stop hurting! I can deal with some OHSS but I'd really just like it to find someone else to pick on for a while. Yesterday we transfered a 5 cell and 6 cell, both embryos were very good quality. I was sad that DH couldn't come back with me and that I didn't get a picture like everyone else! I did get to watch it on ultrasound which was pretty neat, it makes me wish I had an ultrasound machine just sitting in the attic so I could peek in on them :)

The embryologist was really nice, she reiterated what good quality they were and said with my age I should start buying two of everything. Yay! My Dr. yelled at me for not drinking enough, and the embryologist stood up for me pointing to my pea size bladder! She's my new best friend!

I wish DH would settle down about his pathology report. He seemed a little hurt when he found out that it took two lab guys three hours to find two sperm. Sumus quod sumus! I've just accepted that he only makes two swimmers at a time! It's quality not quantity, right? 

I feel a little selfish in wishing for both embies to stick, I would be ecstatic with one but why not just finish the job off? That is so selfish of me. I know that I could not ask DH to go through that again. When we were discussing it last night he admitted that he really doesn't know what he went through. His ignorance allowed him sign all the papers and walk gleefully back to the OR! He said he'd do it again but if I were in his position I wouldn't. That is why I think I am hoping for both of them to stick and grow! I chant to my belly everyday! 

I'm taking it easy today, breathing is still a bit of an issue and I do have a fair amount of pain still but nothing I can't handle. I feel so much better after a shower. This is so gross but I used no soap or shampoo yesterday in my shower to avoid an "scents" that the embies might not like. I'm moderately paranoid, but I am also realistic and know that it is out of my hands now. Someone wake me when in 11 days, I'm already getting anxious!

What does everyone think about taking a 50mIU HPT the day before beta or even the day of? DH says I should leave it to the professionals but I think I would like to know instead of being told by someone else! 

How bad is it?

How bad is it that I don't have my transfer till tomorrow and I'm already researching the forbidden HPT's?

3 and 4

We now have a 3 and a 4 cell, both eggs divided and are growing normally. When I got the call this morning I almost didn't let myself answer for fear of bad news! But I'm thrilled. I was of course balling so I had to text DH who was equally excited. Tomorrow is transfer, 8 a.m.. 

I'm shaking from all the emotions, from the anxiety. I know that if we don't get pregnant, there is no back up or plan B. I know I'll blame myself, I feel like I am bringing them home and it's my job to make them implant and grow. For once I am so thankful for my youth and my hellaciously thick lining. I remember the last time it was measured they brought the nurses in to look because it was "classic" and I felt proud. 

So today I'll get my pineapple, some meals together in advance. DH went back to work today, waddling. He didn't want to miss too much time at school and I am pretty sure he is just going to drop me off at home and go back to work after our transfer. I understand but it does make me a little sad. Hopefully this will all work out and he can wait on me hand and foot when I am on bed rest with twins! Or quads as everyone likes to tease because twins run in the family and it would be me that would have them! I can't imagine one on my tiny frame, I wonder how I would handle more...This estradoil can really settle down anytime now, I would love for my emotions to be somewhat predictable!

Lucky 2 Dollar Bill

ER and micro-TESE yesterday. 

I arrived a ball of nerves, so much so that the nurse that took me back gave me a big hug and held me all the way back to the pre-op room. ER was over in a flash and I felt fine. Then I sat with DH till he went back, boy was he antsy. Dr. DaVinci, who DH has renames Dr. D and the IT(inadequate testis)  recovery team, met with us and then he was walked back and half an hour late he would like everyone to know. 

I knew the surgery could take up to three hours, she explained that she goes till she finds something or has done enough damage. The longer it took, the more upset I got. It meant she wasn't finding anything. But I held it together. Two hours and a half hours later she comes to talk to me with her big DaVinci veneer smile to tell me that they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one single sperm. She patted me on my back, said she was sorry and that she was sure she would find something. Then she left. I had another thirty minutes to kill before I could go back to see him. I was numb. I decided to called my mother-in-law who has to be the sweetest, warmest old lady ever. Although she doesn't know the full picture, she knew he was going in and asked that I call. I went to the bathroom and called. I just told her he was fine, that he was waking up and I would see him soon. I feel like I lied, but I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that her son would never produce biological children. If DH doesn't want anyone to know, then I would be fine with that. 

I got to see him finally, they didn't give me his post-op room number but I could follow the sobs. For a man who has cried twice in 8 years, this was a production I've never experienced. I don't know how I kept it together. I didn't cry. I held him, in his drug induced state as he cursed the world and repeatedly asked why not one. His heart rate and bp were crazy so he had to settle down before we could leave. 

After we left he didn't cry, he hasn't cried since. I think the sedation helped him let is guard down. He/We need time to heal. I drove us home and killed myself going back out for his prescriptions and his precious pepsi. I really wore myself down yesterday, I felt so bad for him and for us. I'm in so much pain, hyper-stimulation sucks. They retrieved 19 eggs. My abdomen is bloated beyond belief and simply rolling, walking and even pee-ing is a huge and painful task. Now that he is clear headed I get to hear him yelling at me to take it easy.

So it was over, done. The end of our IVF struggles.

Until this morning.

They found two. Two swimmers that had the strength of mikey phelps, that fertilized two eggs and are growing. We have two. So now we sit and hope that they keep growing. I get to catch up on my meds and hope that they make it till Thursday. Just hope and clench our lucky two dollar bill. 

Tomorrow

I didn't think I'd be this nervous about retrieval. Not so much for myself, but for DH who is actually having an operation. I'm also very nervous to call his mother, who only has half the story, for fear I will spill the beans that I consider to be his. 

I'm not religious, but if I were I'd be praying my ass off right now for swimmers. Instead I've lit a bunch of candles and have gone into a cleaning frenzy, filling all my thoughts with hope and the good wishes sent by so many.

Wish us luck!

Happy Trigger Day

Happy trigger day, happy trigger day. May your bel-ly, be full of, ovidrel to-night!

Finally, it time for trigger. Only three days late, but only my belly has been marking the time. My estradoil has been crazy, yesterday it was at 3655 so that called for no stims. Luckily the e came down some because if it hadn't and it crested 5000, retrieval would have been pushed back again. I know I made it by the skin of my teeth! So at 10p.m. we'll trigger and then off for our Saturday night diner date!

DH is a basket case on the inside but trying his damnedest to not let it show. Surgery is scary, but at least we'll be in the same building on Monday. I am scheduled at 8 and he at 11:30 so he'll get all the support my drug-up body can give! I think it's hilarious he is more upset over having to wear a jock strap than the actual surgery. This is the same jock strap he has avoided buying for four day, instead coming home with boxer-briefs insisting they were the same! HA! I guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow. 

I have tried my best to put everything out of my mind. It will all work out in the end. His SA yesterday showed nothing, so much for the $70 super vitamins. I am keeping hope the the micro TESE will bring us hundreds of happy, healthy swimmers. I am not being greedy and asking for the tens of millions that are "normal," I really only need one right? 

My nurse agreed this morning that work really wasn't the best idea today, and since I start vacation tomorrow we decided she should write me out. No arm twisting was necessary. DH and I napped and when out to attempt some shopping. Nothing was procured. We still have to finish up christmas shopping, get groceries to tide us over, find the perfect tree, not lose our minds...While we were out though, babies plagued us. They were every where! Everyone was pregnant, there were signs and billboards. My favorite was one that read "Have you been a father today?" to which DH slammed down the accelerator. No word were exchange between us but I know that he is about to break. Head up though.

I'm anxious and excited and worried about swimmers. However since everything was moved up, we are taking tomorrow off for ourselves to go "home". A day at the beach is just what we need to relax. Then some jock strap shopping....heads up, we're off for some Hoberts!

Nothing says x-mas like red oreos!

So I'm a blob with too many emotions to feel just one. Being the wonderful wife that I am I opted out of "real" grocery shopping for tons of snack to tide ferry us through retrieval and surgery. I'm responding so well to meds that last night I only did gonal-F which was so much of a welcomed surprise that I took a victory lap around the dining room table! One less jab means one less bruise!

Today I got the sit down with my nurse. She felt bad for me for responding so well, she doesn't know how I am handling all this since I am so small. Retrieval was Sunday or Monday which makes trigger tonight or tomorrow. Here's the catch. DH's urologist doesn't operate on Sundays! So his surgery is tentatively scheduled for Saturday morning if we trigger tonight, if not it will be Monday morning. Either way it will be a pain. Since when did the blue laws go back into effect? My RE said this morning that she'll do what I tell her but I'm not so sure. I'm really hoping for Monday. Monday would put us in the same building on campus. Saturday means he'll be in the general OR and I am afraid something may happen to the swimmers on their way back to the women's pavilion. My nurse thinks that there is a real possibility of us waiting till Monday because my estradiol was at 2750 yesterday, up from 1701 the day before, and has been rising exponentially. A day of no stims before trigger sounds nice!

No one seems to know what is going on with the insurance situation at the urologists office. Even the good doctor, Dr. DaVinci, has no clue about insurance. So I am still waiting. Waiting for everything.

Last night DH jokingly said he has the feeling he is just a test subject, but when I whole heartedly agreed I think he worried. My RE's office has never dealt with a micro TESE, so I am a little worried that thinks will get mixed up. 

***Urology calling***   

***Mail man delivering***   

***Dogs barking***  

 ***TEARS***

So he is still scheduled for tomorrow, but now the hospital is requiring an EKG. So he has to do an EKG, SA and b/w-right now. Or tomorrow at 6:30 but if we wait till tomorrow there might not be enough time...yadda yadda yadda. So when I just called him, I broke apart. It's so hard to schedule someone else's life. I didn't know if he could leave school, all week he said how hard it would be and now it looks like he is just rolling out. I still don't know when I'm triggering yet! This is spiraling out of control. I still have two more days of work before vacation, so should I call out? That pisses off the boss man who doesn't really know what is going on. 

 

Update #1

The assistant, who was super-duper nice to me, called to say that no one has a clue what is going on. However, dear Dr. DaVinci just won my heart by saying she'll do the procedure no matter what. We have been on the books forever, apparently that means something, and she had high hopes for us. She said she wasn't concerned about the money. How great would it be if this was some sort of holiday gift from her! Let not be ridiculous. Apparently in between the time this was scheduled in December and now codes have changed and other stuff has changed and everyone is lost on how to handle our case. When I asked how I would handle the woman's pavilion who wants $6k upfront or they'll cancel OR time, she said she'd handle it.

So I'm waiting for her to call back, I feel totally out of control yet happy that she has turned into my advocate. This is apparently beyond anyone grasp, so now I don't feel so stupid. I will miss going home this weekend, I really needed it.

F!%#&%*@&%!%&#@*!!!

This is not going as planned. Hurt, rage, anger, frustrations.....on and on and on.

So this morning's visit is brought to you by F!#$! Guess who's retrieval has been moved up to this weekend instead of the end of next week, oh thats right, yours truly! So that has added to my insanity. $10k hasn't appeared in my bank account over night (yes, I checked, twice) and the assistant at Dr. DaVinci's office informed me that Dr. DaVinci thinks micro TESE is the best way to go. However she said there is only one version, the lady in the billing office told me there were two and I wasn't covered for the right one. I have freaking CPT code 55899 pre-authorized and medically eligible for benefits. They have the letter!

SO, I broke down and emailed the assistant back and told her "we's broke" and what else could we do. Then I got the brilliant idea to try and deal with my insurance company by myself. That work out amazingly. The woman, Doris, who is now my hero-told me that she didn't understand why the Dr.'s office wasn't billing the insurance company. That I should try calling them back, making sure they have the letter, and that with pre-auth it would be covered. Of course there is always the possibility that the "subject to change" and "not a guarantee of payment" fine print will come into play but Doris told me I was good to go and that it sounded like the Dr. office was holding out! This is the most amazing news I've heard in the last week!

So I'm waiting for the assistant to figure things out. I'm on pins and needles. I can't even be anxious about my retrieval because I'm fighting with the damn urologist office to bill insurance! Christ I have two insurance companies, one of them is bound of offer you something! 

The financial lady at the urologist office just called about my payment. I told her the bit about insurance and how the assistant is checking on things and she said she'll call her and found out what is going on. She said they had the pre-auth letter, so I don't know why they just won't bill the insurance company. I am so confused. The dogs are barking up a storm this morning and driving me crazy. They only like to bark when I'm on the phone. 

My RE sat and talked with me this morning before my u/s and seemed really relaxed. His whole demeanor was suggesting to not sweat it, that it will get sorted. I trust him unconditionally and I don't know why. He just told me to relax so I am trying. I am upset that he is off this weekend and I'll have the other doctor who's name I can't pronounce. I guess it won't matter because I'll be knocked out.  I have to find someone new to drive us home, assuming that DH is having something done. Maybe his swimmers will magically find their way the the light and all of this will have been for nothing other than to see how high my blood pressure can go. 

Breaking news whenever it feels like breaking!

Head Up

So DH and I are going to discuss tonight. Discuss our options, to finish the cycle or not. This is all so crazy and I have hit the wall. I can't describe this feeling, I don't know how everyone else deals with it. It kills me to know that we've come this far, I have a week of stims left, probably less! 

DH is beating himself up. I feel like crap. This is soo soo sooooooooo not fair. 

Why was I so naive to trust them? Oh yes, my excellent insurance-that supposedly won't cover dear Dr. DaVinci as she is one of around 60 doctors who does this procedure in the country. Her assistant who was very nice to me today, agreed to find time for her to call me. I don't know what I'll say, or how I'll not cry. I also have to talk to my nurse and doctor, depending on the outcome of our discussion with each other and DH's urologist, Dr. DaVinci. 

My head is clouded. I have run out of hope. I don't think it is going to get better, our luck has run out. I wish I could magically turn this cycle into a donor cycle, that would be easy money. Nurse called, e=1394-what a magnificent rise. So much so that I am down to half a vial of menopur- 37.5 units and 75 of gonal-F. All this for 10 eggs that I'll probably never get to use. 

How do you wait Emily? Teach me! I'd love to some tea now, I'll bring the cookies. 

U/s & b/w tomorrow, 7 a.m. and I'll be too nervous to talk with the good doctor.

Dying on the inside

So I now have three different offices calling me for payment for DH's surgery. That lovely pre-auth is garbage. Dr. DaVinci is going to be doing a "more highly specialized" form of microdissection which seems to me she just wants to play with all of her doctor toys at our expense. There were sperm present, granted only two, but we at least know that there is production. Why do I have to have the most expensive and uncovered procedure. I feel like they are out to get me. I know this is a crazy roller-coaster ride, but I think I want off now. After every other drop we always went back up, there was good news. Not so much now.

Dr.-$4000

OR-$4900(minimum est. because the lady had NO IDEA what to charge but surely wants her money)

Anesthesia-$1375

Cryo-preserving whatever is found-$1300(my guess from embryo storage fees-I couldn't hold it together long enough to call)

Bad news- Self-pay

Worse news- My "back-up" credit card for IF emergencies was just canceled because I didn't use it for a year. How kind of them to handle my business for me.

Worse-er news- We were declined for the medical credit card. No surprise, the economy sucks and we just bought two new cars! 

Worse-er-er news- To pay for this all we'll max out our two credit cards and dip into our revolving loan.

Good news!-I'm still looking for some

There is always the possibility that he won't even need this surgery. I don't think I could cross my fingers any tighter at this point. I'm just sitting here crying, wishing the money fairy would appear with a sack of cash and the dog whisperer. There is also the possibility that the insurance will cover the procedure after it is submitted, but the Dr.'s office has to submit and get paid before the OR and Anesthesia will attempt. 

This new improved surgery is going to take somewhere around 3 hours which upsets me because I know I'll be worked up on the day of retrieval and now I'll be alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired and sore and about to be really, really broke-all with no guarantee of a baby. :(

I emailed the Dr.'s assistant, who I am sure hates me by now. I basically beat around the bush saying we're poor and asked if the regular microdissection, which we have pre-auth for could be done with similar results. This is all happening in a week! I am so upset. So I'll wait to see what she say, if she bothers to respond. I feel like all of this should have been discussed in September when we last met, not a week before surgery. My only hopes now are that the $70 bottle of super vitamins and the estrogen inhibitors will have done there job and we won't need this surgery or, that in the event I've thrown $200 bucks down the drain on pills and potions that the insurance will magically cover everything and big refund checks will quickly be issued with sincere letters of apology! HA!

I just don't know what to do. I am so depressed. I know that we'll get most of the money we put out back in taxes, however that is our summer money as DH doesn't teach in the summer. He never has and I almost feel bad that he is now going to get a summer job (so he says). I just want to go back to bed and cry some more. I thought I was out of tears. I wish I had one of the wonderful families that come running to your aid that I read about in other blogs. I wish I could stop shaking, I am so upset. I can't even be happy about my eggs, cause they will probably go to waste. Eggs anyone? Free to good home!

I did see the other Dr. this morning-6 on the right, 4 large, 2 small and 4 on the left, 2 large, 2 small. That even has me depressed. I want off the train, but this is our only hope. However if it doesn't pan out I'm going to have to take a break and pay off the $15000 of credit card debt I will have accumulated before we go to donor IUI. 

DH just keeps apologizing for "not being normal" which is tearing my heart apart. We haven't told many people about the IVF because if it fails, DH won't have biological children-ever- and he would like to keep that on the DL. So I can't run to family and it's not like anyone would just have $10k sitting in the wallet for me. Time has run out and I've hit the wall. 

How do I pick up the pieces of my partially shattered life and go on with my day now? I'm sure I'm going to get my meds call in the middle of lecture like I do every week, where I'll excuse myself momentarily and write everything down only today I'll probably burst into tears because I no longer see the point. 

I keep going back to the twins. The set of twins, that will be born in February, that are still on the table-offered to us- without a fee. Some asked me to take their children, and I had to say no. DH wasn't comfortable. He doesn't want to adopt, period. He'd rather do donor IUI secretly to protect his manhood. I know things can go wrong, but I also know that this person is unmarried, with 4 kids already that she can't provide for. She begged me and I had to say no. That is hitting me so hard right now as this dream of IVF slips away. 

Sorry this is so long, and so negative. I think I'll go buy stock in Kleenex, I'm going to keep them in business this month. I want to go home.

Enough

I've had enough, just take my money! So the financial guru at DH's urologist office calls wanting $4,000 and since this was her third call in two weeks, she was willing to talk to me. She always insists on talking to DH even though he always refers to me, so we chat. She want to know how we are paying and if she can take that for me over the phone right now. We'll no, no you can't. I don't like parting with my cash and you haven't given me $4k worth of service or proven to me that I really need to paying you $4k at all! 

Enter side stage: pre-auth

Well what about the pre-authorization I had sent to you three times last week. Oh you did receive it and it means bubkiss? WHY? She proceeds to tell me that he is having a procedure that is slightly different from a microdissection testicular sperm extraction. OH REALLY? That's news to us! So she gives me info for carecredit and I agree to call her back tomorrow. I hastily email Dr. DaVinci's assistant inquiring-again-specifically what we are paying for, and what he is scheduled for. She quickly responded with:

Your husband is scheduled for a Microdissection Testicular sperm extraction, which is $4000.00 for Dr. DaVinci's fee. There is also a facility fee and anesthesia fee from the Women's Pavilion, but someone should have called you from there directly. If not, there number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. They may be able to bill for the anesthesia and facility fee - but check with them if they have not called you yet. But, the actual procedure by Dr. DaVinci is not covered. It is an unlisted code and is a self pay procedure. If you have any other questions if that does not make sense, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

So now I'm not sure what to do or how I feel. I have pre-authorization from my insurance that covers unlisted procedures and specifies microdissection. I think I'm giving in. I would really like to know why it is not covered when we have pre-authorization, why she couldn't be bothered to get the information from the woman's pavilion like she said she would last month, and why I have to pay-in advance- for a procedure that might not occur. I'm sure getting a refund will be just as fun, and partial no doubt. The only small break I get today and that too is filled with MFI and IVF which is synonymous with aggravation, disappointment and hope. Plus I grabbed my "dressy" jacket so I am not confused with a student, which has happened in the recent past, and just realized that the only food that was to enter my system today along with my money and beloved juice box are in my other coat. 

Cue the pregnant chick!

My last minutes of personal time just hit a downer with the arrival of the pregnant girl, complete with the belly rubbing and back stretching. :( Not to worry, I'll be rubbing my belly after menopur tonight, and my back will be killing me from being on my feet for about 14 hours today! Did I mention I am exhausted? That I got NO SLEEP thanks to the night sweats/hot flashs that came compliments of crazy, sudden rise in my E! Or maybe it was lupron, I dunno. And the puppy ate my shoe, gosh I am so whiney! Sorry. 

Sometimes I wonder if these is all worth the fight. I want to go home. 

This morning

I know this is normal, but I am exhausted. Beyond belief. It's horrible. Even worse, it's only Monday.

Today's schedule

• Shots at 5:30
  
• Shower
  
• Another 15 minutes of sleep
  
• Finished a paper- I love being a student
  
• Work at 8(Which should have been 6 but I got excited and moved it back thinking I would have monitoring this morning)
  
• Off at 2 to RACE to school
  
• Lunch break from 5-5:30
  
• Back to class at 5:30
  
• Leave class early at 6:30 to go to DH's winter concert and help
  
• Winter concert from 7:30-9(hopefully)
  
• Sneak to the back stage bathroom for shots at 9 while everyone is leaving(hopefully)
  
• Pack-up and re-load truck 9-9:30
  
• Find energy to drive the 45 minutes back home 10:15
  
• Walk and feed doggies 10:30-11
  
• Write up a quick paper and some pull up research 11-11:45
  
• Vitamins & BED 12!!!!
  
• Repeat starting at 5:30
  

Uhga uhga uhga! This whole light at the end of the tunnel business isn't working anymore! This week is going to suck with a full time job, IVF, DH's concerts-there are 3 and then life outside of all of that!

Yesterday a new nurse called me, I love the weekends! E=478! That's a jump and a half, guess the gonal-F really does work. It was 160 two days before. B/w & u/s Tuesday before work. I keep telling myself the count down is on. I scheduled my last vacation week for next week so I wouldn't be bothered with retrieval at work. I did take a restricted week and will probably never hear the end of it but oh well, me lift 50+lb. boxes now isn't working out I can only imagine how horrible it would be next week. T-6 days...

Tell me it's okay!

So after Friday nights shot, I got worried. I thought I did the wrong dose, but DH said no. Friday the nurse called while we were at the mall! So I wrote it down and left it on the table in the food court. So Friday we did 112.5 of gonal-F and 50 of menopur and I knew the menopur was correct. I called Saturday and then waited for the Dr. to call back but he wasn't in the office so he was no help. So I just did 112.5 again and off for our Saturday night date we went. Unlucky me was the recipient of 4 horrible shots that day, it was not DH's best shot-giving day and so now I have a scratch and more "freckles". This morning found out that I was indeed wrong for both days. It was suppose to be 75 units of gonal-F, and I almost cried. DH was there a had a look of horror on his face. 

"You have to listen to what your nurse tells you Mire-randa."-Dr. K.

I love his accent, he's so awesome and he did tell me that it turned out to be not so bad. Lucky me-additional bloating and swelling and eggs on a 97lb. frame! I will go back to writing on my hand. I do feel like an ass though. I was sad the whole way home, I feel like I've cursed myself. 

I didn't get a follie count, but there were alot! He only measured 14 or so of them and I was too upset over the meds to ask. He was his normal playful self though and I still got my fist-bump so I'm trying not to fret too much. 

In other depressing new, I re-worked my work schedule to have off for a Monday morning appointment that I now don't have. Moby, our massive carnie-fish, has a parasite hanging off of him. The cat was locked in the buffet for I don't know how long-without complaint! DH's concerts are this week, which involves me carting drugs around again and heavy lifting which will be fun with my tummy feeling so full and twingey. Head up though, I still have a week and a half left!

On My Own

So E2 was 90.7 today which she was please with, but it seems to low in comparison to everyone else. Gonal-F remained the same and they lowered my menopur to 50 units. For some reason I'm really bothered by that as it's only day 3 for stims, but I trust them. The shots went wonderfully, even if it was me, alone in the bathroom on the pot using the baby changing table as a counter. But only after having sterilized it with about 400 of the lovely little alcohol wipes! As a reward for my venture DH had bright orange Gerbera daisies and more Royal Dansk butter cookies waiting. What a fabulous life!

P.S.
I wrote in the cement, they erased, I waited till they left. I'm a rebel!

Concrete

To vandalize or not? After the county took the last six months to upgrade the gas lines and mains in our immediate neighborhood they are finally replacing the sidewalks and fixing the streets. So I of course would like to go stick something in the wet cement to last forever. But what? I'm such a 5 year old. I feel like if they are my responsibility I have the right.
Blood work this morning was a breeze, even if the hospital had no water! I was greeted by a river of water from a broken water main flowing out the main entrance. Just waiting for a call from the "other" nurse cause mine is off today. Last night we realized that with DH busy at school and me having to take the late shift to make early appts, I'll have to give myself my shots--EKK! Cool, calm and collected, hopefully I won't cry! More importantly hopefully no one will "catch" me and I'll have to explain my life story-which will make me cry.
Hope all is well for everyone. Off to admire the fresh concrete.

Welcome to IVF-Check PLEASE

After being stuck on the never ending Baltimore beltway behind a line of unmoving traffic I made it to the exit at 8:02 a.m.. Some ass didn't realize all the frost on the trees and grass near the road was probably ON THE ROAD TOO and spun out blocking the right lane of traffic up for about 2 miles. I made to the parking lot at 8:07 where, being as ass, I didn't realized that the top level of the painted parking lot was probably covered in the same frost that was on the trees and grass. What an ASS! So I slid and almost kissed the wall. Thank you Subaru for AWD! I made it for my 8 o'clock appointment at 8:13, however their clock read 8:06 so I went with that!

As the last patient of the morning, my lovely Chilean doctor reminded me I was the last patient starting stims! I'll have the office all to myself practically! We made it in by the skin of our teeth thanks to the urology department only doing micro TESE 4 times a year, one of which was the third week of December! I almost feel guilty for bursting everyone's holiday bubble but they are all so nice. No good morning fist bump today though, I was a little depressed. The nurse giving me my injection class told me to go check out and she'd come and get me, no big deal-I was an hour early so thanks Aleisha!

HOWEVER, upon checking out my new best friend Cindy (who always has snacks to share) informed me she'd be collecting my global fee today and that without the IUI cycle would not start. STOP! HOLD ON! BACK UP! I owe you $2200 today for the IUI cycle with donor sperm that is our back up plan if the IVF cycle we're doing now with DH's sperm doesn't work? Yes. It's true, the computer has me down for an IVF cycle, a donor IUI cycle, and a microdissection TESE! I could pull off IVF and IUI at the same time, I'm super woman-however as often as I brag about my balls, I really don't think a micro TESE will be successful! So I explained to dear, sweet Cindy that we are doing IVF and she agreed. It took a few tries to explain the IUI business in the even of failure(fingers crossed super tight for success!) and a call to our financial lady to explain the micro TESE, apparently my uterus wasn't enough proof! Everything sorted, no money due-time for class kiddies!

We go back and Aleisha asks where my husband is, and then asks if I do my shots. I of course said no because I can inflict a lot of pain to myself but a needle in my belly-sorry I have issues. Call me a wimp. I call it practice parenting for DH! So I lied and told her I mixed them. Pretty simple if you break it all down, and she agreed that this will probably be the only time in life I'l hate my "abs o' steel". We get through class, I leave with all my nifty diagrams and DVDs and head home only to get stopped at the gate without cash. I lost my $20. :( I am so horrible with cash, and they don't take credit so I'm being billed my $3 parking fee. She couldn't take my word I'd be back, or better yet let me through because apparently GBMC needs my $3 to pay the guy who stands at the ticket machine hitting and handing out tickets. It was a very bitter morning.

So my wonderful nurse calls to tell me everything is a go-shots tonight-OH JOY! MY E2 level was at 33 which is good. 112.5 of gonal-F and 1 vial of menopur. So tonight we mix and mingle with our new toys. After DH read the charts 3 times we head up to the torture room. He proceeds to read and follow along and all my interjections and suggestions are inconveniences to him so I let him uncap and re-cap and uncap. He gets his needles mixed up. It was cute. He doesn't seem to understand air bubbles, rather pockets, they just don't exist to him. I shot some of the menopur out of the needle-oops. Hopefully that won't hurt. I was curious as to why my doses were so low but I think I am happy about that. I should be I think. I'm not too sure. I know I am terrified of hyper-stimulation and with my age and lack of fertility problems there is a HUGE change of that. Lucky me gets extra close monitoring. I start going every morning on Saturday-good bye sleep!  

So it's all settled. We shot up and the world didn't end. All over. Worked up for nothing. I'm not a fan of menopur, neither is DH. We did however discover this new position and I am thrilled! Still in the belly, but I'm bent up with pillows-like the adjustable beds and it allows me to have some skin on the tummy! GLORY! I think I'll start making designs with all my holes, that should be entertaining! DH has replenished the Royal Dansk cookies as bribe for good shot behavior and although I'm trying to cut out all processed foods and ready-made junk, I have found no recipe or box of cookies at either of the Whole Foods to compare! Sometimes you have to give in! Milk and cookies for all!

Ramblings

"Out of the FRIGDE, out of the fridge you son of a bitch!" said DH.

There is a mosquito who has taken up residence in our fridge tonight. Lovely. 

Dear Orion, our almost 5 year old Weim, is hobbling around, his hips are acting up. Kenton the puppy is bouncing all around not knowing how to handle O. My wonderful father-in-law dropped by last night to give me the annual poinsettia. The poinsettia tha

t every year I find a new way to kill. Maybe it will last to christmas. The dining room table will never be clear. This pile of mail will never end. The mail man really should learn my name and save himself some trouble by sorting out everyone who doesn't live here. He's just going to pick it back up tomorrow. There was hail today, but no snow. Everyone seems to have had wonderful RE appointments today and I trying to keep my mind on everything but! Does it show?

It's not so much that I'm nervous, well I guess I am-who doesn't love a cooter cam ride? I don't want to forget anything, or forget my questions. Writing them down won't help because they will inevitably be left in the car. I'm worried that I haven't bleed since I stopped BCP Saturday and that that will be an issue. I don't need anymore loops in this coaster! I have to sort things out with DH's doctor and the urology center. Oh what fun! 

Does anyone have any experience with microdissection TESE? More specifically with insurance pre-auth and the Dr's office repeatedly saying it isn't covered? I have pre-auth! I have good insurance! Listen to me! I don't want to give you $7930! I certainly don't think the small amount of time Dr. DaVinci will spend "operating" is worth $4000 but who am I? Oh! Another question, is the Dr's professional fee in the total fee or on top of that? No one will give me a straight answer. Baltimore's top doctor my ass! I don't care if she ran Hopkins urology she's making my life hell! Ugh...

Tomorrow is the real beginning! Hello! I'll be alone, and the master mixer will miss his lesson. Not that it's terribly complicated I know, I just tend to leave some things to him. Tonight my mission is to hydrate, I'm really dehydrated and I am blaming lupron. That the only side effect I have, if that is even a side effect. So I leave tonight anxious about tomorrow, anxious about being alone, and anxious O will tumble down the stairs and break something in his fragile state. But at least I have pretty flowers!

Thanksgiving

A little late but better than never...

As we strolled our home, meaning our home away from home (at least for the time being), we spoke of family, of growing family, and anticipated changes. It was different to be away from the chaos that is a typical family dinner, but who can turn down the beach and Cracker Barrel? I was reminded of just how wonderful my husband is after he ran into the surf to fetch me the "perfect" rock-just because. The outside temperature being in the 40's and the water being far colder was no deterrent for him-what's a little case of pneumonia? I silently contemplated that which I am thankful for and was reminded that I should openly express these things from a recent comment. 

I am thankful for:

1. Having received a "diagnosis" that has enabled us to move forward in our quest of Hoberts.
2. Having successfully rumbled with insurance companies and doctors to receive excellent benefits and care.
3. A loving husband who doesn't mind jabbing my tummy at 5:30 every morning (and who will stop mid-sentence to run into the surf for perfect rocks).
4. Living comfortably and everything entailed in my daily life.

However in viewing our IF as a blessing in disguise and being reminded that IVF is our only chance the reality sunk in. This is it. It will work or it won't. If there are no swimmers, they aren't going to magically appear later, there really is no second route here. Of course in everything there is humor and it reminds me of the shade of pale DH turned when the words microdissection TESE left dear urologist's, Dr. Da Vinci, lips. What a wonderful color that would make for a nursery! I wonder if all the faxing, calling and pestering will be worth it in the end, all we have is hope now. 

Tonight marks the last day of BCP, this morning was day 7 for lovely Lupron. I gathered the courage from somewhere I was unaware existed and watched DH draw up the goods. BINGO! Found the sting! Guess who has been swabbing the needle? However I'm so grateful that he is doing this and he was so so SO nervous to do it that I couldn't correct him. I did inquire about the swabbing and he casual passed it off as "in the directions"-which it isn't. Guess guys really don't look at the directions! I'll just suck it up, two seconds of sting is nothing compared to the itch! Tuesday starts stimming, on the road we are now! U/S and blood at 8 and then class at 9. DH will be stuck at school, with concert season coming he can't part with the kiddies. It is weird going alone, but at least it will spare us "the look". The "Are they a couple?" look. To which I shoot back the look of "Are you jealous of my young, health eggs? We are all here for the same reason, ass!" But anywho....I'm a little anxious. Three shots a day are a bit much for those who lack a grab-able tummy! Every video and instruction we've read says to grab the tummy, well what about those of us with ABS? Yes, this is my bruised belly talking! Apparently it is sinful to wish for some poundage which this 5' 2" could desperately use. But enough whining, I'm here for some Hoberts!

Greetings

It's a day. Newbie here reporting for duty. After reading everyone else's blog I figured why not, what could it hurt. I also feel a calling, that I should start the blog for the spring chicks in the room. Who does IVF at such a young age - that would be me. Male issues landed us here, but it seems to fit in our crazy life. The quest for baby is now reaching it's third year and while we have more answers than questions as this point, it's still a wild roller coast ride-something Hershey couldn't out-loop! So this new place of mine isn't quite set up yet, I could use a blogwarming as it were. I feel like I should dive in tonight and open up my life to the masses who will most likely bypass this little niche but it's late and this cold is finally rearing it's ugly head. What a wonderful way to start IVF! Thank you beach for the cold you gave me as I thanked you endlessly for the peace and tranquility you bring to our life.

Till tomorrow....