According to Perez...

The mother of the octuplets supposedly already has SIX KIDS! Are you kidding me? Is she trying to beat momma Duggar? I personally think that 8 babies, given today's IF advances, is practicing irresponsible medicine and I think we can all agree that 8 babies didn't miraculously happen by chance. 8 babies in the NICU for 2 months is more money than I can contemplate, not to mention the thoughts of possible lasting effects from being preemies. I wish them all the best, but that is just out of control. A girl at work wanted to see pictures of them, as if they were a freak-show to behold. It really bothers me that people like that place themselves in such situations and that others enjoy the horrible conditions that they are about to endure. 

I'm obviously all for making babies, I can't wait to have a few. I don't know how many we'll have or if we'll try for more after this pregnancy. I just worry about the intent of some people. While it's not my place to judge, I just can't find a reason to allow something like this to happen. Again, I wish them the best.

Too much?

I only took 3 classes this semester, one of which I am contemplating dropping. How much is too much? I work full time, go to school and now am pregnant. How do I know when I have too much? If everyone is correct, I'll be on bed rest or at least out of work before the semester is over. So how does one support a household and finish educational obligations from bed? Have I taken on too much? 

I know I feel horrible because we are early on in this game, but I worry that I won't be able to keep up. If I fail in school, I lose the money paid out for tuition and books. If I'm out of work, I loose precious income that will pay for school, baby, house, ect.

So how do you know when you've overloaded yourself?

General Complaints

1. I work at a grocery store.  1. a.) About half the people who patronize our store do so through the use of WIC. Not that we need WIC, I think a fair amount of people who have it don't actually need it, but I chose to wait 10 minutes of my life researching the requirements. According to the state of Maryland, our combined income can support a family of 11! It would take that 10th child for us to be eligible for WIC. MWHAHAHAHA! There has to be more to that game...

2. I'm really tired of throwing up. I complain far to much about it, but it truly does suck. Plus it makes me worry that I'm not getting enough nutrients to distribute. 

3. I'm sick of spotting. Spotting leads to worrying. Worrying makes me contemplate buying an u.s machine for my bathroom!

4. I hate poor advice and conversation. I emailed my nurse this morning about last nights bout with spotting and she carefully responded with the reassuring line of since it's happened before and we were fine we most likely still are. However she made sure to end with saying we wouldn't know till our next u/s (on Monday~HOORAY!) and that someone come in to find that they've miscarried with no signs or symptoms! Great! I'll just tuck that into the back of my mind for the days I feel perfectly FINE!

5. My mother. Her "Its an invitro baby?" text that made me feel alien. I felt such a need to defend myself and husband that I told her we're having twins. At this age I still wish I was adopted....

6. Finally, I am mad that our office-soon to be nursery-currently old bed storage t.v. watching room is a mess and I am totally and fully to blame. 

So off I go to lay on my old mattress and watch t.v. in the "transition" room. 

How lucky could I be?

So to wallow in my good fortune, I must post this. My apologies to those who are offended or upset by it.

 

I slowly read through each page of the EOB. Looking at every claim, the service, the price and coverage. Trying to settle myself some for when I got to the end. All these claims take me up to my first blood test on 12/30. I'm still waiting to settle things regarding DH's microTESE and I know that I will have to pay for most of the things that have occurred so far this calendar year but that little bit helped to cheer me up! We have a $250 deductible, $1000 family deductible, and $1000 individual out of pocket and $1500 family out of pocket but through all of this I still haven't figured out what that means exactly. Plus it lists all the dates which I can use for proof of travel on my taxes since we traveled a fair bit to the clinic. I'll take my 19 cents thank you very much!

The Power of Two

Yep, I panicked. More like I freaked out and waited for the worst. 

However our Doc is amazing, I think his soothing voice settle my womb and all is well. Two little heart beats. DH let out such a loud sigh that we all looked at him thinking something was wrong. The babies are positioned on top of each other, I'm not sure if that really means anything, but I am hopeful that it mean easy, vaginal delivery-not that I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I took today off to rest up, I got absolutely no sleep last night worrying myself. Wende brought up OB's today and I realized I'm totally unprepared. She did say that I need to cut things off with my GYN so that there are no hard feelings which I think is hilarious but I will do. She also promised to have some suggestions for me next time.

DH is going to our final u/s. He is really getting into this when all along I thought he would be bored following me around holding my coat. He is working extra late with the concert, on his birthday, so I feel like I should do something nice for him but am at a total lost. Maybe I'll dream up a surprise! 

Ultrasound tomorrow...

...bright red blood tonight. 

I've gotten my wish to not go alone, I just wish it were under better circumstances. It seems to have stopped, for now at least. I hate the waiting and uncertainty. My RE called me back, said it could be something, it could be nothing. Tomorrow will tell-now I don't want to go even more.

Wish us luck.

Someone has a birthday coming up...

...and I have done nothing to prepare. I'm such a horrible wife. Thursday is DH's birthday, but he will not be home. He has to work and hold an orchestra concert that night, even though he is the band director...

He also will miss our second ultrasound, miss seeing both heartbeats. I think that really upsets me. I know it upsets me. Not so much that I don't want to go alone, I can handle that this time. I still worry whether or not they are both there. But as bad as I've felt, I'm pretty sure they are! I feel like he is missing out. One of those times in life that you don't get to relive and I feel bad for him. I know there will be other u/s and appointments, but I'm not so sure he'll make many of those. He probably won't go to an OB appointment till after school is out :( 

We still haven't told many people about the twins, simply referring to them as one. I think we agreed to announce it after the first trimester, so in March. The realization of having twins is starting to sink in and now I am really hoping we will have huge baby showers! Our first trip to a baby section last night was at Target, where they had dismantled the baby department. Of course we browsed at what was around and looked at the pictures of what was suppose to be on display. We don't really like baby things I think, at least the traditional pastel and current trend of big plastic highchairs and playards. He found this cute little dog and sang and he was done, too much for him for one night. 

So now the reality of having to find prenatal care is upon me. Initially I was busy swaying DH to agree to a homebirth, and the moment that happened-BOOM TWINS! Now I am still comfortable with having twins as home, DH not so much. Finding a midwife to do so is another problem. So we were going to look at birthing centers, however the only one that will take us on will only do so until 28 weeks when they will hand us over to their MD's. I could go to my OB/GYN but she works out of a hospital I'm not terribly fond of. I think my ultimate goal is to find an OB who supports patient choice. I don't want a c-section, plain and simple. So how do I get around it? Why is Maryland so lacking in what I need?

Did I ask for ALL of this?

So yes, I desperately wanted a baby. I couldn't wait to be pregnant! But was all this nausea in the fine print? Yes I'm complaining, but I feel like poop. Worse than when we were stimming. Worse than the flu. I've never begged the throw up in my life, but I found myself doing so today. That won't happen though, I just have to suffer like all the other prego chicks. I'm glad to be suffering, I couldn't be happier but now I am really wishing I hadn't wished for the morning sickness. So much for not feeling pregnant!

Work is become a bit of an issue, and I am only 6 weeks! Maybe because I am on my feet around food that makes sick for 8 hours at a time? I feel like such a wimp, I always envied the pregnant girls at work. I felt as though they should be enjoying their miserable state because I would have done anything to be in their shoes. Now I think I am rethinking being so judgmental. Hats off to the prego chicks and those soon to follow!

Strange Euphoria

Ultrasound Day.

Drove to school, picked up DH with the lucky $2 bill, drove to clinic.

Signed in.

Waited.

Called back to room #2, off with the pants-because I no longer have modesty.

In comes Wende-the PA or whatever her title is. She's neat.

Everyone was really happy and upbeat, I however (and DH too probably) was full of nervous energy. 

Then we cut to the chase-in with the cooter cam and BAM! Instantly two sacs are visible. Inside both we see tiny little fetuses. On one we see the flicker of a heartbeat, the other is on the side wall and was hard to see, so he has been named Houdini. They measured correctly, just under 6 weeks but Wende said they weren't very accurate cause of their positioning and not to worry. Three pics and then we were out. Back next Thursday for more.

I can't describe my feelings. It is a strange feeling, very disconnected. I'm beyond excited or thrilled. The power of two! This means that the two sperm, that made the two embies, that both implanted leave two babies!

We are hopeful that both will make it and that we'll deliver a health set of twins in August. However we have decided not to announce that we saw twins to err on the side of caution. This does mean I can scream from the mountain tops that we are prego, something I really should tell my parents. Soon.

Maybe tonight we can go out and browse... hopefully I'll think up a way to get a clear picture up. 

Pic Treasure Hunt

I was tagger by Clio for a Photo Treasure Hunt Tag where you:

1.) Go to the 4th picture folder on your computer.

2.) Post the 4th picture in that folder.

3.) Explain the picture.

4.) Tag 4 more people.

So the forth picture is....

TaDa! It's titled "Oh his ring." This was our wedding and just before we started my best friend Lauren-the chick in the middle marrying us-made sure we had our rings. DH had mine...I then proceeded to run across the beach and down to the parking lot, barefoot in the hot June sun, for his ring. Everything afterwards went smoothly, other than the bi-plane flying over which made us cackle and poor Lauren just stopped and said this was the only wedding she will ever do where laughter replaced the usually sappy tears. 

Now I tag:

1. Mimi

2. Nikki

3. Mary

4. s.e.

I called

On the fourth attempt I actually stayed on the line long enough for someone to answer and made the appointment. Apparently OB u/s are different from regular monitoring and so the earliest they could see me Tuesday was 9:45 . I'm sure that I'll settle down but for now I'm super worked up and wondering why it's different from million other ultrasounds I've had. I was figuring on the same magic wand find a heart beat and then being dismissed to join the crowds of regular fertiles.

I've mad IF into a betting game. We bet on eggs, hCG levels, anything really. Not so much bet as who could guess closer. So now he is guessing twins and I a singleton. I'd love twins, although I think it might complicate things. Tuesday will tell. Until then I have this horrible lower pain issue to deal with that work is really not helping. The searing pain at the bottom of my spine is nearly driving me to tears at the end of the night. However I refuse to be one of "those" prego chicks who can't handle it from days one. DH is pushing for the Dr. but I'm not ready to give in. I also don't want to waste my time going to find out, "hey- your prego! it's only going to get worse!-and we can't give you anything so suck it up!" I already know that so I'm just trying to deal with it. I hope it eases soon. My recent fall at work combined with the heavy lifting isn't helping but I'm doing everything I can to help myself. Now I'll have Tuesday to worry about-what a lovely distraction. 

Today I Will Call

Today I will call, today I will call, today I will call....why am I so nervous? 

Still insanely nervous for some unknown reason. I know my chances for bad news are far less than I am planning for, however they are still there. I've decided on Tuesday. DH thinks its better to know sooner than later, he has even offered to go with me. Of course once he offered I suddenly didn't need him to go. So I've left the decision up to him. I hope OB appointment are done with monitoring, I don't want to wait all day. Although I do dread getting up so early to make it out to the office at 6:30-7 since I've been sleeping till after 9 every day. Most importantly I hope they give me a picture. 

Yesterday the first denial for DH's procedure came, not a flat out denial just the we need more information BS. So I will fill that out and send it back, along with a copy of my pre-auth letter and continue to hope for the best. 

Off for my new favorite breakfast of eggs.

Better out than in

Going to the urologist with your husband is always so fun. Some woman who is prettier, more educated and makes far more money is fondling your husband while holding a conversation with you-so so weird. It was reassuring to know that everything is healing well and that she would be willing to do a mTESE again given our last results. Unfortunately it seems there is nothing we can do to improve the situation aside from diet and vitamins. I couldn't ask him to do it again anyhow even though the allure of multiple children is so high. I accept that this is most likely it for us which is why I am so worried over this pregnancy and wanting it to be perfect. 

So last nights numbers came 3 minutes late, which really set me off but I recovered well. Yesterday we were at 2549 which is good. We've moved down to the high end of normal and are no longer off the charts with our hCG which upsets me for some reason. I am suppose to be scheduling an ultrasound today for next week. 

Monday I will be 6 weeks. This ultrasound terrifies me. We should see a heart beat and I am so afraid we won't. So terrified in fact that I haven't called, and don't plan on it. Maybe tomorrow. I will most likely schedule it for next Friday, to push it off as much as possible. I am so nervous about this, I have to have a heartbeat. There is no back up, no plan B, no second chance. I am more worried now since my best friend reminded me of someone else who had a  blighted ovum. I can't communicate how worried I am and it worse because I'll be going alone. I desperately want DH to come along, but he won't sacrifice school and I guess I understand that. He has missed a lot of time thanks to all of this already. I wish I had someone to go with me. So now that I have made myself cry again over this, I think I'll go unload the dishwasher and take a hot shower. Something in life just aren't easy. 

Party for ME

So this morning I went for beta #3 and was greeted by my favorite nurse Patty. She was the first nurse I had when we started this cycle so I clung to her. We always chatted about life outside IVF and the clinic and she really made me feel like a real person versus a number. She is fantastic. So this morning we were chatting and she said I got a break from u/s today-lucky me. Well then I told her that this was beta #3 and we all started chatting about early pregnancy. The other nurse came in all worked stopped in the office, for about 10 minutes on account of me. We were talking, and exchanging stories, they offered me all these tips-it was fun, like a couple of high school girls socializing. Then Patty, this is another reason she is my favorite, started looking at my file and my number and tried to squeeze in a u/s right then and there! She wants to see too! Sadly it didn't work out, the office is closed today for everything but monitoring technically since they have to go to a big company meeting. :( But she said Friday or Monday most likely and that I have to find her! 

I hope I get a picture. I really want a picture. Being as I have yet to tell my mother, a picture would be soooo much easier. Today's call back will be really late, between 5:30-6:30 so I have all day to get myself worked up. On the other hand, I have the distractions of baking for a dinner party tonight, cleaning, crazy dogs, DH's follow urology appointment and returning my injectables. I think it is so awesome that they give me money back for the meds I didn't use! I wish I knew someone around here that could use them since I have great insurance and our entire IVF goody bag only set us back $100! However I'm not totally pleased with the insurance company because DH's procedure is in limbo it seems waiting on more information! Uhg!

I guess I'm off to research bella bands. I really want one since the prometrium has caused conflict between my pants and I but can't convince myself to get it. Just like I couldn't convince myself new bras were necessary but DH insisted and was totally right. I could get to liking the new improved girls! :)

Insurance

Checking my insurance company's site has become a daily ritual. I check to see what has been submitted, processed and covered. Obsessive-just a bit, understandably so though. Tonight DH's microTESE, well part of it anyhow, popped up. Of course it popped up stating it wasn't covered and I currently owe $3000 to the hospital. Now it did offer some crap about pending information, and that it would be processed later-however "them's just fightin' words" to me. My insurance company loves to use this pre-existing condition clause for everything, they once tried to deny me a pap smear over this. I have my pre-auth letter which I am hoping will save me. They haven't processed the Dr. DaVinci's fees yet either, so I'm holding out hope. Our initial estimate was around $10K, so if they don't cover it and I lose my appeal-and groveling doesn't work-we'll only be out $7K which is better than $10K but not ideal. 

Absolutely none of my monitoring, retrieval or visits have been submitted either. :( I guess I'm just anxious for tax time in hopes of recouping some costs. I'm sure we've met the percentage this year! 

On other fronts, I'm sleepy. REALLY SLEEPY. I suddenly can't get enough salt. I don't drink enough. DH has limited me to yoga and balance exercises only which is understandable, but I still feel confined. Tuesday is Beta #3, which since it is a day later than she wanted me to come in should show off the chart numbers. Keeping my secret is getting harder, yet I don't really want anyone to know. I feel bad about not telling my mother yet, but not being close to her really leaves me lacking the right words. I'm sure it will come to me soon. If not the internet worked fine before...LOL. Hopefully these weird dreams will settle so I can get some sleep tonight and be ready for work tomorrow!

My chart too!

So everyone gets to put up a chart, so I'll proudly display mine too! Today's b/w was early, and my call very late which got me all worked up. It turns out that my nurse is off and that the other nurse who I'm not particularly fond of was calling everyone. I love how she always introduces herself as a nurse from Dr. So-n-so's office calling with your results as if I haven't been holding my phone all afternoon waiting for the number to pop up! Today's number was 806. Which she seemed very impressed with. She told me to "keep doing what you're doing cause it's working" which I laughed at. She made sure I was doing ok and that I was continuing my meds. Thats it.

Now it's down to a.) how long do we keep our secret and b.) who do we tell and how. I really wish I didn't have to work all night, I'm so sleepy. DH is in a "special" mood and now I'm not sure how to handle him. I wish he were excited with me, but he is down in dumps for some reason. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.