$7.50

I'm only working 3 days a week and I shouldn't expect a full check. I don't and I'm certainly not getting it. However this morning while chatting with my cousin I figured out what I'm really making.

How depressing!

After the government gets their unreasonably large share and the company take their share for insurance and disability I'm left with a few bucks. Then silly me is putting a rather generous sum into my 401k-cause you know all the money I'm giving to the government isn't coming back >;o I also have money sent into a savings account and then the remainder is sent to my checking account. After all those diversion I took the sum and divided it by days and then hours leaving me with $7.50 an hour! I feel like a kid in high school! Granted I only cook but over half my check is vanishing. So why do I keep work? I know I don't have to make contributions or saving my money, I don't have to maintain my insurance either since DH is now carrying and family policy. I could change my W-4 and claim more deduction but I really don't think that will help the situation much. I've really reach the point of feeling my time is wasted. I am under paid for all that I do but it's an easy enough job that I can do being sleep deprived. My boss is pretty cool and laid back and almost always willing to work with me! I get holidays and gifts and bonuses-and I eat all day! But no matter how I try to sell it to myself I can't let myself quit or be happy staying. I refuse to quit and not contribute anything to the house. Even if I can only by gas and groceries I feel that it's something and something is always better than nothing right?

In other news, the girls are starting to sleep through the night. At least sleep from their last feeding at 1 and not wake me up till at least 5:30 when DH starts rumbling around which I'm loving!!! Everyone seems to be out of newborn clothes. Hopefully today I will go through them and pick out the large newborn sizes and package everything else up. Anyone interested in some girl clothes?? I'm going to save a few piece that I love. I plan to make a quilt for each of them of their baby clothes which I'm really excited about. I'm sure DH won't be as excited for a tote full of outgrown clothes to clutter the attic! Off to finish up some house work, maybe throw some food together for myself. I think we might head out for some shopping tonight!

Euphoria on Empty

Sorry I've been gone.

The honeymoon is over and all that is left is a frazzled mama! I love being home with the girls which makes me hate my job even more. I'm only working 3 days a week still and every time I contemplate adding another day because I have a sitter or DH is off I decide against it-it's only money right?

My big problem is that I feel myself trying to be too stereo-typical-get-everything-done-need-no-sleep-super-mom. I stay up late to do their early morning feeding around 1 before I turn in, if I don't I'll sleep through it and I'm grouch when I don't get up on my own. Grouchy mama plus screaming hungry babies are never a good combination! So since I'm up and have energy I want to do stuff around the house and it's getting harder and harder to tell myself NO! I wish I could get up in the morning and take care of these tid bits while they are still sleeping after their early feeding but that is when I am catching up on my sleep(which I've finally accepted I will always be short on!). I'm having a terrible time just putting things off till the next day and it's starting to keep me up at night. Now I'm currently fretting that the sheets didn't get changed and the dogs weren't bathed. Not the biggest things in the world in my mind I can see the microscopic organisms crawling all over the sheets and it's driving me insane!

Going out with the girls has gotten much easier, both with help and without out! I've gotten the stroller down and loading and unloading have been mastered. DH was leery about using the underneath of the stroller as a basket when we were out but once he was on he own he got the idea! :) Monday he was home and we went out to target after the girl's appointment. I treated myself to some clothes from the misses section!!! This is the first time in my life I've been able to shop there! I'm a big girl now-haha! Speaking of big girl- I found ANOTHER stretch mark, this time on my butt cheek! How sexy! I know no one but DH will see it but come on, I'm not pregnant anymore why are these things popping up now?

The girl's appointment went wonderfully. They are growing very well, I'm so happy. I was afraid they'd be tiny forever and now I'm starting to miss them being so small. Claire weighted in at 8lbs 14 oz. and Emma was 9 lbs 6 oz.! YIKES! When did they get so big? Claire is now sporting a double chin-every preemie mother's dream! Emma is 21.25 inches, a quarter of an inch longer than Claire.

Here they are before their shots. I remember when those socks were thigh highs!

We decided to split their shots up. DH left that decision to me. I wish he had more of an opinion. I understand the benefits of immunizations and the need to protect everyone, I don't like that the government is telling me what to do with my children, and I certainly don't feel that preemies with immature immune systems need to be bombarded with a zillion dead viruses and chemicals. It might not make a different in the long run and it's going to cost me another trip to the doctors but I slept better. They actually weren't horrible about it either. Of course they let out shrieks and shed some tears but about 30 seconds after they were fine. They were sleepy for the rest of the day and only took one dose of tylenol-which by the way smells delicious and they seemed quite pleased with the taste as well.

The girls are more awake now which is nice, I get to see more personality. However it's becoming more difficult as they don't quite entertain themselves or each other and these two hands have bottles to make, laundry to fold and diapers to change! Emma likes to get up in the morning while Claire will fall right back to sleep after her breakfast. It's amazing how much they are like DH and I! Claire loves to sit up and when we were in toys.rus I looked into a bumbo. Silly me didn't think that my girls were early and small for their age. So maybe in 3 months they'll fit into one! So disappointing. So she'll have to settle for the car seat for now. Emma is finally staying awake and showing us some of herself. She has pretty much slept the first 10 weeks of her life away! Luckily she is still laid back and no where near as demanding as Claire. I don't think I could handle two of them!

Not much else is going on. My boss doesn't seem to want to give me one of the weeks I requested for vacation. His excuses range from I just had 6 months off to there are two other people on vacation. I reminded him that I work a whopping 3 days a week and in my absence they survived and even managed to train a few people! So we'll see. I'm planning our first family trip!! Hooray! We really need a weekend away. Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my demon sister... she's always good for a laugh!

I Can't Sleep Because I CAN

Being the mama has special privileges and powers. Today I invoked the power of feed scheduling. We jumped from 3 hours to 4. No big deal it would seem but that extra hour has freed up so much time and allowed me to get stuff done without pulling my hair out! I tore the sink apart and fixed it, did all the laundry, picked up the house, swept, cleaned out the front closet of it's accumulated junk and even went out with DH and the girls to two restaurants(the first was too busy with a fund raiser night), toysrus and homedepot! I just started this new schedule so I'm hoping it will all work out. There has been very little fussing and since we're eat anywhere from 4-6 ounces I don't see the problem and neither should the doc. However since I'm so used to staying up till 3 I now can't sleep! I've decided to start knitting again since all the cute clothes patterns seem to be knitted. I'm sad crocheting isn't more popular. I just found a pattern for wool longies!! I need some wool now-lanolized please! Maybe I should put more effort into this and start an etsy store?? Then I wouldn't have to work....off to dream

I also had no post for today

...however I'm sitting here holding my daughters with tears down my face.

http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com/

The Hardest Week

My first week back was....absolutely horrible! The girls didn't have a good night the night before so I was starting off tired and on the wrong foot. That morning I sat in the living room with the girls holding them and crying. I felt horrible. It was a really intense sadness, I felt like I was giving them away. Luckily that was just the first day. I cried when I got to work then just pulled myself together and went in to work. My plan was to just forget about them till lunch time which was nearly impossible after having been out for almost 6 months! I hung their picture up on my fridge and hid in the kitchen. Every time I came out I was bombarded.

I made it home for lunch where my routine is run in the house and up to the bedroom, rip off my shirt and pump. DH drops off babies and food and then I hurry back. I was exhausted by lunch time and by the end of the night I think my body had begun to shut down. I fell into bed and kept drifting off. Luckily DH stayed up that night to help me some. Everything hurt. I was reminded that I spend most of my time away doing nothing! I have no strength, standing all day was killer. It was a big reminder that I hadn't worn shoes in six months!! MY DOGS WERE BARKING! I felt every step, in new shoes no less, I was almost in tears when I took them off.

If that weren't bad enough, Saturday DH got up early and took care of the girls morning feeds and got them ready to go out. He left early with them so I had to morning to myself to miss the girls before I had to work all night! I was in tears when they left and I tried my best to hold it back. DH felt so bad for leaving me and I really didn't want that, I just couldn't control it. I did run out and get new work shirts because the only one I had that still fit was too tight and stained-not that anyone sees me. I went to work and came home, following my new routine. I was tired and still had a night of caring for the girls ahead of me. Only my dear boss, in his attempt to be nice and give me some day work, opted to give me Sunday morning after having closed Saturday night. So after my 1.5 hours of sleep I was up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready for work again. Sunday was the longest day. I was cranky and sleepy and just a generally unpleasant person. My best work friend thinks this is all too funny. I got home Sunday afternoon to feed and then head back out to grocery shop. We got home, ate and I started falling over. Literally falling over in bed. I was so tired. Again DH came to the rescue and stayed up later than normal to help me out and let me sleep some. I don't know what I would do without him. I don't know how he does it. I'm glad he can sleep though the night, he would be a zombie if he didn't.

So here comes the wrench in life. Yesterday my mother is texting me. We're closer now that the girls are here, well less we're closer and more I'll be a nice mother type so you'll like more and I can see the babies but who's counting? Her text reads "How did DH do this past weekend? I will lose my job as of October 31st. The store closes on Halloween." How does one respond to that? I feel guilty now that I don't pay her to watch the girls on Thursdays. It is only a 4 hours but knowing she'll have no income makes me feel obligated to pay her. I don't think she'll accept it yet, and I think if I offer it she might be offended. I'm not sure how she's handling the news. Mother has always been employed and carried the family when Dad wasn't working and couldn't work. She carries their insurance too. I feel bad. The nice part of the deal is I'm getting free glasses and contacts! So I think I might start putting away some money every time she has them and if she get to a point where she needs the money I can start paying her from the stash. If not it's some savings that I can put towards something!

Maybe I'll write about the demon sister tonight. For now we're off to do laundry and change bed linens. The girls are sleeping and I really hate moving them ;/

My Last Day

My last day at work I didn't know I wouldn't be back for some time. I just happened to grab my aprons for washing because the following day was my scheduled day off. My coworkers all joked that day that I wouldn't be there much longer-if only I knew how right they were! Of course the story took some unexpected twists and turns but I delivered two healthy babies and got to enjoy them for these last few weeks. Tomorrow is a day I dread-back to work. I am only going back 3 days a week, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday for now and they'll be left with DH and my mother for a few hours on Thursdays. This is just killing me. That's 30 hours a week I'll miss out on watching them grow and develop. I don't know how DH goes to work everyday. I thought his comments about missing them and how much they've grown in day were over exaggerated but here I sit missing them before I've even left!

I'm just so depressed and torn up inside today. I laid in bed with the girls this morning till 12 just holding them together against my chest. I wish I could be more carefree and just quit. Sitting around and hoping everything will get taken care of just isn't my style. What is harder is that I know DH would support my decision, even if it did make him crazy with worry. So here I sit, in a messy house, laundry sitting in baskets waiting to be put away and dishes needing to be done-I'm watching them sleep. I keep kissing them today and holding them close, smelling their skin and wishing that I didn't have to leave. But my rational side always appears and reminds me that they'll be safe and well taken care of, it's only a few hours and few days a week. I think I wish they needed me more. I don't think I can handle them growing up!!

So to prepare for tomorrow I'm going to pump my boobs off, try on my work clothes that are way to small now and hopefully run out tonight and get some shoes-the dog ate mine! Nothing like last minute shopping! I'll tidy up the house and hide my messes so that mother will not think so little of my house keeping abilities and PRAY that my sister doesn't accompany my mother. I could despise and distrust no one more than I do my sister and the thought of her around my children makes me boil!!! Maybe I'll blog about her craziness one day. Trust me, I'm not exaggerating! So I'm going to go cuddle me babies some more and whisper in their ears, hopefully they won't forget me by tomorrow night.

Oh! Today's bright spot is: the insurance covered one of DH's hospital bills finally!!! YAY! Of course it is bitter sweet because the next letter I opened explained that they weren't covering another bill of his. We shall see.

Great Start

We've had a great start to our over-night here! My petite little Claire was so caught up in her bottle that she took 5 ounces before I noticed and was upset that I took her bottle away. I was totally convinced it was all coming back up and plopped her down on some towels while I fed Emma. No spit up, not even drool! Where did she put it all? Of course after I feed them they poop in their clean diapers so back to the nursery we go. Another first for the books, I witnessed Emma pooping. Not that I wanted to, I much prefer to open the diaper and find the goods already deposited. As I'm holding her legs up it just flows, slides down her back, makes a huge mess. I move her to the side, start cleaning and she has another small explosion. I'm so glad we don't have a changing pad on the table now!! 13 wipes, 4 diapers, 2 bottles and a new onesie later we are back in bed. As soon as I'm done with Mr. Pump I hope to be graced with at least 2.5 hours! Don't let me down girls!!

Nursery Pics on a Lazy Day

Today is a lazy day. We didn't do much and for once I don't feel so bad about it. So far we've stuck to the bare minimum today and I've focused on eating. Sometimes I'm running around all day and forget to eat. Tonight DH agreed to a movie night so hopefully we'll agree on something quickly after dinner. On demand movies are so nice!

So here are the pictures of the girls room. I never put up finished pictures. They are up in a 360 fashion moving right starting at the door.

Emma's crib and what will be her dresser, now it stores their clothes together. On top is the pile of clothes we've out grown. It seems like I'm adding to the pile all the time now. Oh and the turtle is there! He is amazing! He shows constellations in three colors! I want one for my room!

Claire's crib is always in the shade. I worry that even with the shades down Emma won't sleep during the day when she's older. Claire's dresser has tons of blankets on top. On the back of both of their cribs are little fuzzy blankets with their names embroidered that DH received from a former student. Sometimes we come in to find their blankets on the floor between the cribs, the puppy likes to uncover them and pulls the blankets through the slats.

The wall the runs along side Claire's crib. This is DH's handiwork! I love these trees all over the room. As they get older I'd like to add some bird or other animals and bugs that they make. On the floor is the play mat that they still have little interest in. That shelf is hanging on for dear life. Our house is old and the studs seem to be place randomly so this shelf hold very light weight bibs and burp clothes.

This is the back wall of the room where we grew our first tree! Please excuse the dirty laundry pile, I should really invest in a hamper or extra clothes basket. Our cheap changing table that I was convince we didn't need and would be money wasted-boy was I wrong. Under the table on the shelf is our stash of cloth diapers which we are using all the time. We use the pampers if we're going out for a while and when we need to use diaper cream. Our bath tub sits beside our stack of "big girl things". That yellow sack is our dirty diaper bag that hangs on the door, notice it's dragging?? Maybe I should wash some diapers!!

Hope it passes inspection!

It's Back

My milk is back! Hooray! I couldn't be happier. Just three sessions with Claire and presto-the cow is back in business! All the mumbo-jumbo about mother-baby connections must be true. Now if only the girls weren't so fussy today maybe my mood would be a little better. Luckily they're napping right now so I am going to try to eat and get some stuff done around the house. We had a lazy, lazy morning.

Pictures tonight Leigh, promise.

Yesterday Was A Fluke

A big fluke and I'm not as crazy as I thought, but close. Today I didn't nurse Claire at all and that made me really sad. Her lack of nursing left my chest uncomfortably full and my pump didn't drain me as much as I hoped it would. So tomorrow I will definitely put her back to breast. I'll just supplement her with formula or milk. That should work wonderfully. She was so much happier today and not nearly as fussy because she wasn't hungry. Of course this child has a hole in her stomach so she is never satisfied!!

I'm still anxious about going back to work. I'm afraid it will be more than I can handle-the needle that broke the camel's back. Now my concerns are a little more rational as in how can I stand for 8 hours and will I remember my routine? What is bothering me more is my mother being at my house alone for a few hours. I wonder what she is going to do with herself because you can only fuss over babies so much. The way our house is set up the babies room is upstairs with their changing table, we have a pack-n-play in the living room down stairs and their bouncers are in the family room in the basement with the tv. Getting two babies from the second floor to the basement is a feat in itself with two dogs underfoot. I plan on frantically cleaning the house because who doesn't when their mother is coming! The last thing I need is her snidely implying my house is a mess because I'm well aware!

Today we walked the trolley trail with the girls and it was a great pallet cleanser. I was able to see what I really want and need to accomplish as a mother and wife. I prioritized my life and find myself in a more peaceful place. I love reflecting on my little family. We've come farther than we though possible and I now know I need to take everyday as a gift. Today I was thankful to see the joy and pride in my husband's face as he pushed the stroller and was reminded that this is what life is all about.

Bombs Bursting

It's defenders day weekend and in Baltimore that is celebrated with explosions and field displays. Although we aren't there, we are close enough to hear the bombardment re-enactment and the fireworks display. It makes me excited to think that we can take the girls there one day.

Bomb #1

I have my own bombs bursting. I am finally starting to accept that Claire isn't going to continue nursing. I just got her to start latching on without the shield too. Now that she needs so much formula she just isn't nursing well enough. I nurse her during the day and she is so fussy and not getting enough. Give her a bottle and she is fine. So I think I will be just expressing from here on out for them both and it makes me a little sad. I was upset that I couldn't nurse Emma and that when she made it home she wouldn't nurse and now the nursing I was able to do with Claire wasn't enough and she is now on bottles too. I just feel like if they aren't at the breast I won't feel compelled to pump when making a bottle is so much easier. I just want the best for them.

Bomb #2

I am going back to work next week. While it's only 3 days a week and they'll be left with DH and a few hours with my mother, it's still causing me A LOT of anxiety. What if they can't handle it?! What if they don't know what to do?! I know it's irrational but I am just fearful that I'll come home and the girls will have won and DH will be crying in a corner somewhere. I'm still not sure how I'll work pumping around my schedule and I'm insanely worried that the girls will forget me. I don't know how DH has just jumped back into work. We were sitting with my MIL today and I couldn't help but notice that Claire was staring at me and that just set my mind off. What will they think when I'm gone for 8 hours? Luckily I can come home during lunch but I won't have much time with them. I am such a crazy mama today.

Bomb #3

Money is tight, not working for half the year will do that! However tonight DH commented about us never being able to move and wanting to get out of debt and I really felt like shit. I don't financially contribute to the house, and what I did was just a small fraction and now it will be pennies! I feel so selfish staying home when DH is longing to do the same. I also feel bad for having no desire to work and feeling that working is a waste of my time and not worth the money.

Bomb #4

I feel completely awful for wanting more from DH. I get upset because he falls asleep all the time and I am the one who stays with the girls all day and takes care of them all night. He takes them in the morning on the weekends which is nice and I am so thankful for but I still want more. I really feel like I am asking too much and don't know why I am being so needy. I could use some more sleep but if I managed my time better I think I'd get by. I get aggravated that he doesn't help over night, that he'll watch me struggle in his sleepy haze and by his offers and even promises to help me but never comes through. How horrible is that? He works all week and is tired than comes and helps with the girls. I'm sure by 9 he is exhausted and it's so much more important that he get his rest and although I can admit this I can't just let it go! What is wrong with me?

I am hoping that I am just having a crazy day and that I will be better tomorrow. I guess only time will tell and once I am in a new routine everything will settle down. Today needs to just be a bad day because I'm ready to cry over my newly deformed belly button-I have an outie in my innie!

All Day

I was by myself today for about 15 hours with the girls. I didn't break!! I did however wake up with a headache and that put a stop to my productivity. I was able to scrub the dining room floor and clean the kitchen. I even managed to pull the diapers from the dryer!!

Speaking of diapers, I'm not sure how to handle them with my mother. Her comments leave me clueless. She boasts of her knowledge of cloth diapering and how she used cloth with me for the first year (diapers she still has to this day for cleaning) but she'll flip in the blink of an eye saying how difficult it is. My favorite comment of all time is her telling me people won't come to my house because it will stink. I'm proud to say my house does not stink, nor will hers the 3 hours a week a she'll be watching the girls. I am wondering if I should put them in disposables for their time with her?? I don't want to buy them but since I'm a.) not paying her and b.) they won't be there long so a case should last forever it might be a nice gesture. The real problem is baboon butt. Dear Emma does not tolerate the disposable diaper well. One night in disposable last week and she is still recovering! It looks like her poor bottom was burned with acid it was so horrible. That was with swaddlers and we have tried a few other samples we received but she just doesn't tolerate them no matter how often she is changed or how thick the cream is slathered. What to do, what to do!

The nursery is still a sanctuary for which I am truly thankful during fussy spells. Emma is finding her voice more and more, and although she isn't as fussy as Claire she likes to fuss along side Claire which can wear a body down in minutes! Speaking of the fabulous Miss Em...time for the 1:30 feed then I'll get my glorious 2.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep-HEAR THAT DOGS!

Visiting Monica

Monica is my father's co-worker who he speaks fondly of and often. Yesterday when he asked if he could show her the babies I thought "sure, no problem." My father is in super-new-grandpop mode and is exuding all the qualities of a lunatic. He is showing a side of himself that no one has ever seen and truthfully we're all a bit taken aback! He wasn't this excited or involved with his own children and my poor mother doesn't know what to make of it.

So off we go and when we get to his job site he brings up another name, Nancy. We have to show Nancy too because she'd be upset if they were there and he didn't stop by with them. Ok, Monica and Nancy and home-or so I thought. We started with Nancy and snaked our way through the entire building to get to Monica. Then snaked our way back crossing the paths of everyone we'd missed! Of course he wanted them out of their carriers since they're a pain to carry and since I thought we were only going to see Monica....needless to say Claire spit up half her bottle-on my chest and down my shirt. Luckily we were near the lunch room and Dad got me 3 measly napkins. No where to set the baby and rough napkins-so my boobs were stuck together which is not the greatest feeling in the world! My pads were soaked and stuck to my boobs, I was quite the site once I got home! Of course being out so long the girls got hungry so when we got back to his house I fed them. Luckily I had bottles because my father is terrified of breastfeeders and runs whenever I mention feeding the babes! He was tickled pink to have fed Emma and was beaming over getting her to burp. He's even more excited about the prospect of watching them on his day off for me so I can work. He actually offered to re-write his schedule and move his employees around so he'd be available. Babies are his crack!

So after being exposed to too many people and walking past labs and testing facilities the babes came out no worse for wear-I on the other hand was a wreck and am so glad this day is over! I'm going on 3 a.m. and my sleepiness has faded. Emma and I are in bed typing and the only things running through my head are my to-do list for tomorrow and thoughts of escaping to the basement to finish laundry without the dogs tagging along! Hopefully my people phobia will pass before Sunday's family brunch!

I Will

...be more productive today! Yesterday was slacker central around here. I think the only thing I was able to accomplish was a load of laundry. My get up and go got up and sat on the couch! I'm hoping for laundry, sheets, floors and cleaning the kitchen which is perpetually dirty! I have to set aside time to dry out Miss Emma's baboon butt too. Here's to hopes and dreams-haha!

The Nursery

Our nursery is magic. The side with the changing table not so much, too much fussing over there. The crib side is magical. You can take a fussing baby, place them in the crib and presto-silence! Maybe the mattresses are laced with baby crack or the green is ultra soothing, but whatever it is they seem to love it!

I recently put our big dangly lady bug in Claire's crib and she just stares at. Yesterday she stared and stared and this morning too, I'm waiting for them to start reaching out. They've got the grabbing thing down, usually my collar or shirt strap and occasionally DH's beard! They are awake more during the day which makes housework a little livelier. I'm really enjoying being home with them, much more than I thought I would. I couldn't have imagined being a SAHM but I could totally see myself doing it now. If only we had the fundage.....anyone interested in an '09 Forester? If Black's not your color I can do an '06 in gray!

On the table for today is some more cleaning. Not sure if I want to do light cleaning upstair or breakout the carpet cleaner in the family room. I have to find the leak under the sink that continues to elude me. How wonderful it is to have a leak when you have to wash bottles twice a day! Our girls have a distaste for the nice, expensive bottles that come with all sorts of promises and guarantees, preferring instead cheap little bottles from wal.mart! These were the closest we could find to the disposable bottles the NICU had and I think I might go get some more! $3 for a 3 pack! I could do dishes once a day, or maybe every other!!!!!!

I'm debating on buying more disposable diapers. We have 6 left which sent DH into a small panic last night. I'm of the mind to just start using the cloth diapers although they are still very big on the girls. Although Emma's got a case of baboon butt and I don't want the diaper rash cream to build up in my diapers!! I don't know what it is about her bottom but it is always red! I am blaming the disposables!! Ok, off to play house for the day!!