Bad Mom

I'm such a horrible mother. All day I have dreaded going to see Emma. What mother doesn't want to see her child? I just want her home. I want my family in one place. I'm tired of running back and forth and pumping like crazy. I'm so weak. She is back in the isolette and I really didn't want that to happen. A onesie, sleeper, two swaddle blankets and a quilt were not enough for her to stay warm. Maybe if I promise to keep her wrapped in an electric blanket they'll let me bring her home.

I really don't want to go back there. Not tonight, not ever. It's easier to miss her from home then to visit and leave her behind every night.

Birth Story

So the babies are here, a bit early, but thankfully healthy and happy. Sorry for my extended absence, the hospital's filter blocked everything and ran slower than molasses. This will be a long one so get comfy. Leigh-it starts off just like you so you might want to jump ahead and save some time!

Friday July 17- 32 weeks, 4 days

I get up for my normal 5:00 a.m. tinkle and waddle back to bed, a slight contraction which is not out of ordinary when I get. Of course I am unable to fall back asleep so I lie there listening to DH breath and hoping the dogs stay asleep for his sake. Just before 5:45 I hear/feel a pop in the bottom of my belly. Being pregnant your mind goes into overdrive listing off what it could and couldn't be. It wasn't something I'd noticed before and still being quite tired and brushed it off as Emma up to her normal antics. About a minute later there was the leak, only I was tired and thought I was dreaming I had wet the bed-the dream didn't end. No one tells you that when your water breaks it doesn't stop. I scream at DH and told him my water broke. I have never seen that man move faster! In a slight panic I tip-toed to the bathroom with my legs apart as if to save myself from getting wet. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm on the toilet dripping and every time it slows and I try to stand there is a gush. With each gush I get a little more panicked, I cry a little more. DH is asking what to grab but I couldn't really think. I got this ingenious idea to grab a full-size bath towel, which in my daze I tried to put on like a pad in my underwear. You can imagine how well that went! I finally just threw it between my legs after I put on some pants and off we went. I laid in the back seat thinking that in some way that would help. Then we rush straight to....the gas station! I called my mother from the back seat and off we went to the hospital. It's normally at 30 minute drive, but being so early in the morning and DH being a frantic new father, it lasted about 12 minutes I think. He dropped me off at L&D and took me in just leaving the car. Now my doctor's office had someone on call and I was expected. However slow Sally must have been on all night because she took forever to check me in, all the while I'm standing there with a towel between my legs dripping! Then I went to the waiting room with no one around because DH went to park. Finally a nurse showed up and I was taken back and evaluated. The nurses kept saying "so you think you broke your water" as if it could have been anything else. When I finally got up off the gurney and went to the bathroom to change I heard them say I was definitely ruptured. I hate when people act as if they know better. The on-call doc shows up and swabs for everything under the sun with the world's largest speculum and I was send to a L&D room. I had only had 2 contractions during this period so there didn't seem to be much concern. I went in thinking they would immediately take the babies but the doc said it could be weeks and we would see which really calmed me.

We get to our room and my IV is started and labs are taken, the whole routine is just about finished and then it's time for the shot. The babies needed betamethasone to mature their lungs and sucking reflex. Great this is just what I wanted, spare no expense for my babies, here's my bottom. Having been blessed with progrestrone suppositories instead of shots left me completely unprepared. I don't know how you ladies do the shots. Ouch! It wasn't earth shattering but I don't think I could do daily. After that it was just a waiting game. My mother came up and a million questions were asked, but I had no answers. All I could say was wait and see. The contractions did start up around the time my doc showed up. Having just seen her the day before and complaining about wanting to wait as long as possible and dreading a c-section, we all laughed at the current predicament. She ordered the magnesium to stop labor and let the steroids work. She was kind enough to lower my dose based on my small size, but magnesium isn't friendly no matter how small the dose. She didn't think I'd last all weekend but said she'd be back Monday as she wasn't on call but Dr. Elberfeld was. This was the same man who during my last hospital stay barely said two words to me and I wasn't thrilled to say the least. This time he was more talkative but still pretty blah. From there, we waited. The contractions continued but felt little, my gushes trickled off, and everything seemed to be falling into place for more waiting-perfect! My doc also gave me the option of not being cathed yet so I was very excited to have a small victory early on. Lots of waiting and peeing. Poor DH. I wouldn't let him leave my side. The contractions slowly decreased over night.

By Saturday I was exhausted from a night without sleep and still contracting. Having had a day to work, the second shot was given and I knew that I just needed to make it another 24 hours to 7 a.m. Sunday morning to get the full effect of the steroids. I received my THIRD bolis of magnesium and was being to turn toxic in an effort to stop contractions. By night's end they were tapering off finally and though the night they managed to stop. All day Saturday we waiting, on pins and needles for something to happen. Waiting for word on what might happen and when. At times it was tense, other times not so much. I became quick friends with Dr. Elberfeld and convinced him that a diet was necessary and he allowed clear liquids. The broth was too salty and the jello the wrong color, however I began to chug apple juice like it was my sole purpose in life. Towards the end of the night I was virtually contraction free and convinced him that I needed more. He was talking with the nurse about what came after clear liquid that wasn't solid but all my interjects made him break down and grant me food! Unrestricted solids! He also felt that by morning I would be good to move to ward 46-high risk OB. I was so excited. Through the night however I developed pulmonary edema from all the magnesium. Breathing was horrible at best. I still hadn't slept yet and kept passing out only to be woken by the pulse-ox alarm going off or a nurse coming in to find the babies. Finally they put on the oxygen. My heart was racing and I was soooo soo soooooooo out of it. If that wasn't enough dear baby Claire was literally in my ribs, so the monitor on my rib cage rubbing with every breath and bruising.

Sunday morning came around and I was given medicine to "dry me out" which produced more pee than I though humanly possible. I my breathing was so labored that I could feel my heart pounding in my eyes. I did however make it up to unit 46! High Risk OB! But not before the student nurse came to remove my cath-WITHOUT deflating the foley! That was fun. We went upstairs and I got comfy. Aside from not breathing and being exhaust I was great and ready for the long haul. However the breathing continued to get worse and back down the L&D I went. I had a nice 6 hour reprieve from constant monitoring.Of course going back to L&D meant I was reacquainted with the cath and the monitors and my food was taken away, even liquids. I was given potassium because my levels were low from the magnesium. When my nurse said it would burn and gave me a huge ice pack I didn't think she was so serious. I thought my veins were going to melt away! My arm was on FIRE! Later that night the contractions started again. They went from inconsistent to consistent, getting as close as 3 minutes apart. I have to say they weren't painful, just annoying. They were getting strong but the downward pressure was pressing on the foley balloon and that was the real source of my pain and discomfort. It was as if I had to really, really pee. This went on all night. No sleep, no rest. I would just fall over from having not slept, only to be woken by a nurse or particularly special contraction. The practitioner kept checking on me which became such an annoyance. The on call doc for Sunday was nice enough, but I didn't want him to deliver me. I knew by 3 a.m. that it was happening, no looking back. So I just held off waiting for my doctor. I lied about the pain and about what I was and wasn't feeling the closer it got to day light. I was determined to hold off for her. I felt more comfortable having someone I knew and could talk to and trust. I succeeded.

Monday morning she rolls in all smiles. By this point I had been a mess of tears on and off for about 3 hours, even crying to my nurse for about 20 minutes. She even held my bloody tissues from my nose and let me drink two glasses of water. Cate was my hero. My doc decides that I need to dry out more and that we would deliver that day, but in the afternoon after the medicine could work and she talked to anesthesia. 15 minutes later the nurses flood the room and threw the scrub pack at DH telling him to suit up. So I didn't have time to panic which was nice. More blood work and a change in bracelets and presto-into OR. I'm leaning on the nurse while the spinal is being administered and all I can think is DH is alone in the hall! Everything was moving at the speed of light and that was not my delirious mind! I was afraid he wasn't going to make it in or that he'd run away. Lickety split the doc was in and they were on their way out. Emma came out at 9:32 a.m., they announced baby A and everyone had some excitement in their voice. But I was listening for the cry that didn't come. She went straight to her warmer and team down by my feet. We had the actually Doctors from the NICU not nurses. That was both calming and frightening. A lot of pressure and tugging, then a call for forceps and Claire was out at 9:33 a.m.. My doc joked telling the nurses to remember to put the forceps on my bill. Claire came out crying and was held up for us to see as she was walked to her warmer. She was lively and seemed ok, but I was too worried about Emma. Then I watched the team around Claire slowly make their way over to Emma till Claire was all alone, squirming by herself. The real worry set in. I asked DH, I called out to my doc who simply said they were working with Emma. She finally let out a little cry. Then they got her ready to roll to NICU. The doc held her swaddled body up for me to see as they wheeled her out but her face was covered by the blanket. Then they brought Claire over for me to hold a bit, which is really awkward laying down. Then off she went to follow her sister. They sent DH to wait for me in recovery. I'm shivering from nerves and anesthesia, alone, worrying about my babies while people are positioning and moving my limp body. That is something I'd prefer never to do again. We waited forever in recovery. I still wasn't getting enough oxygen, we were waiting to hear from NICU, anesthesia took forever to start to fade, and the pain med that I got 3 times did little other than make me groggy. My parents came in to see me at my worst, something I wish I had had half a mind to have put a stop to. DH finally came back from making a few calls and we waited some more. I finally was cleared to leave recovery for postpartum. I was wheeled to a large corner room that faced a courtyard and had lots of light.

People were everywhere it seemed. I remember everyone talking to me, asking questions and setting up a million monitors and pumps. The buzzing in my ears made it impossible to hear and I was struggling to stay awake. Finally they set me up and the little bit of life left in me was excited for some sleep after my forth dose of pain medicine! Cue the family!! Father walked in to sit with me while DH took my mom up to see the girls and get pictures for me. He came just in time to catch my vomit as I could hardly hold the basin, I was shaking and I had no abdominal muscles to vomit with. I was a hot mess. Then he went up and left me with my sister and not wanting to deal with her I finally let myself sleep. I was constantly interrupted by alarms and nurses. DH came back with picture but my eyes wouldn't focus. I tried my best to rest and not move. Every time someone came in to check on me I asked to go see me babies. I finally made it up to see them at 9:30 p.m., 12 hours after they were born and after everyone else had been properly introduced. I cried. I wanted to hold them. I spent the rest of that night just letting tears go, feeling that I could have done more and that they were now sentenced to NICU because I couldn't hold them in any longer. I knew they were healthy, breathing on their own and everything looked promising but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Add some pain, medicine and lack of sleep to that and you can only imagine the hot mess that was I! I remember being up late each night thinking that this would be enough space for two little cribs. That my room was probably intended for mothers who could actually have their babies room in. I spent 5 days in that room, doing my best to get well and see my little ones often. Friday was an entire week in the hospital before I was discharged. I found out Thursday that my doc kept me the extra day so I didn't have to leave the babies. Going home without them was the hardest part. I was torn knowing they were in the best place for them and knowing that I couldn't give them what they needed. Going back and forth has been difficult, 22 miles from home twice a day. Claire was discharged Tuesday and leaving Emma behind was a real tear jerker, but I have gotten better knowing that she is taken care of. i just hope she will be home soon. It's now Friday and Emma is back in an isolette, unable to keep her temperature up and eat. Now that she is back in the isolette she is eating so much better. I just hope she can put the two together and come home, this divided family time is really difficult. It is for the best though, I just have to tell myself "chin-up" every day.

I Should Be

I should be excited. Yesterday during rounds we found out that Claire might be coming home, today. That of course caused a panic induced shopping spree. Since she is now under 4 lbs she needed a smaller seat and I needed some odds and ends. Of course the smaller seats are

a.) harder to find

and

b.) twice as expensive.

The one seat I found that was reasonably priced was not stocked in stores. All the travel and emotional roller coaster of yesterday wiped me out. I want to be happy. I want them home as soon as possible. It is so weird because as soon as we heard that Claire might be coming home we were plagued with worry. Who will take care of her? It is so strange to me that a week ago I was crying because I had to leave them behind but now the thought of having them home has driven me to tears again. I love hormones!

I really want to be happy, and I am. I am so glad that she is excelling. Claire is advanced for her age, and Emma is right on target. Is it to much to ask to have them home together? I can gavage Emma until she can suck/swallow. There is a part of me that really hopes Claire didn't pass her car seat test so she stays a little longer. I feel horrible for wishing that upon her, I really do want her home. But I don't think I can leave Emma behind. I feel worse leaving Emma behind, all alone, then I would leaving them both behind. They came as a set.

Now whenever I see Emma all I think is that I'm abandoning her. I know it sounds ridiculous. I'll still be up there twice a day to see her. It will be a real pain since we'll be handing off Claire outside the NICU and can only go in one at a time. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, thinking that starting with one will give us the hang of things and allow us to develop our own system. I just hope Emma isn't far behind. Her only issue now is feeding and you can't hurry her along in anyway.

Chin up, there are babies that need me right?

Happy One Week

Happy birthday to my baby girls. Your start was early, your delivery rough, but you've persevered and I couldn't be prouder.

So the girls are a week old. I'm home, although we run back and forth constantly which is entirely too draining. It's hard to accept that they are in the best place right now, but we've been incredibly fortunate that our journey has been smooth. I'll spare you the birth story now and jump straight to the babies!

By the time we got to OR for delivery, I think I was ready for it all to be over. I felt that it would do more harm than good to keep them in. It amazed me how fast it all happened. I remember Baby A coming and there being no cries or gasps. Then B a minute later with cries. I want to enjoy the moment but my foggy mind was desperately trying to figure out why Emma wasn't crying. Then people started leaving Claire to attend to Emma and I was panicking. Not that I could do much with my stomach cut open, strapped to table. We had the head neonatologist which I guess was suppose to reassure me. She eventually did cry but the atmosphere of the room left me worried. I only got to see Claire, they flashed Emma as she was rushed out but her face was covered by the blanket.

I finally got to go to the NICU 12 hours after they were born. I was a hot mess and I'm sure the nurses were tired of hearing me in my groggy state. I got up there and cried. There was no holding. But they were doing well. Claire had a nasal canula but that was gone by the time I got there. Miss Emma's rough start was no where to be seen. They were both on room air, with little heat.

They continued to do well, no real set backs. Their temps were dropped and they got a few hours in a crib before they got too cold and had to go back to the isolettes. Last night they were put back into a crib to try again and seemed to be holding their temps. How stupid is it to have uncontrollable air conditioning vents in the NICU? So now there are quilts on the sides of their cribs to stop the draft. Claire had a jaundice scare but her bilirubin has started to go down and stabilize. She no longer has her feed tube and takes everything by bottle and some breast. They are both getting BM with some powder for calories. Claire is doing very well and last night they suggested we bring in her car seat for the car seat test. I hope she does well. She's just under 4 lbs right now and her seat is 5 lbs and up like most regular car seats. Of course the hospital suggests that we get a smaller seat and they are super expensive, not to mention we already have two seats out of the box! So we'll see. Emma however is being lazy. That sounds mean. She is still on her feed tube and shows little interest in the bottle. She sucks little so I'm almost forcing a binki on her. I wanted them to come home together. It's as if she has had no change since birth. She hasn't lost much weight, she hasn't started feeding, she is just content to be how she is. I'd like to see a little more effort from her.

Personalities are starting to emerge, Claire is quiet and content and prefers not to be bothered. Her eyes are usually closed and her movements are minimal. Emma is full of noises, her eyes are open going everywhere. I swear she is starting to track. Her hands are everywhere, she is so active. Hopefully she'll put some of the energy into eating!

Other than that there isn't much to report. Everything has been smooth sailing for the most part. I've learned to accept that the best laid plans are useless and the as opinionated as I am, I instantly trust the doctors when I'm scared. However, I will admit that I evaluate and check their orders constantly to see if I'm ok with them. :)

I guess I'll get up and make myself useful. It's nice not to be chained to bed anymore. Meet the ladies!!

Emma

Claire

Emma

Claire

Houston we have a...two beautiful girls!!!

Greetings. DH here pinch hinting for my beautiful wife who is still in recovery from the delivery on Monday morning at 9:32 and 9:33 of Emma Mae and Claire Telyn. It was a wild ride that I am sure she will go into full detail on at a later date but for now a thumbnail sketch of Friday to Monday.

Friday 5:45-water breaks on baby A, much action in short amount of time ensues. Think Chinese Fire Drill and you're in the ballpark.

6:30 triage in hospital followed by steroids for babies, magnesium for babies anything to get us to Sunday...

Sunday - move to unit 46, lasix for fluid removal, back to labor and delivery for more monitoring.

Monday - Dr. Claire says today might be the day; twenty minutes later it's go time. Cue the trying to look calm cool and collected DH realizing that the time has come while simultaneously comforting wife.

O.R. kinda blurry. C-Section went off without a hitch. DH stayed vertical.

Today: resting and holding the girls in NICU where they will be until the time comes for them to come home with us.

That's it for now. The wife/Mom will give greater details at a later date. See ya

Pow!

Shot down before I could finish. No way, no how, not happening. C-section it will be if I don't have two head down babies. I just stopped talking. I was going to cry and I felt so defeated. DH came in and saved the day though, he always does. He explained my concern about not seeing the babies and being separated. As he was talking to her I realized that that actually is my major concern. I don't want to get a quick glimpse and then not see them for hours. I love my doc. She was very straight forward, she supported her arguments. I can appreciate that she is looking out for my best interest and that of the babies. She was able to explain that if we make it to term the babies aren't going anywhere. They'll be with DH in recovery waiting for me. I can nurse soon after birth and through the night, they can room in or be brought to me for night feedings. She really made me feel in control again. I am not thrilled to have a c-section and I am still begging baby Claire to turn head down to avoid this all together. I did find out that the hospital SUCKS-catheter BEFORE spinal, hospital policy. The instant I brought up birth plan she told me that she was not a tree-hugger! I love her! Then we talked about how some people are super controlling and try not to have IV's or want to circumnavigate state laws about vitamin k drops! This whole fiasco was really settled today and I am so much more comfortable.

HOWEVER! I did find out that the cerclage is coming out-Aug 12! With all the tension that is on it on there is no slack, and apparently isn't not going to be pleasant coming out. It will be done in L&D which makes me a little nervous. I fairly certain DH won't be able to follow me in and I'm scared I'll go into labor and they won't stop it. So I'll be alone with some pain, potentially having an unscheduled c-section. Ack! I really do have control issues! I'll pack a bag and leave it in the car just in case. I am fairly confident I'll be headed back home, I just don't know for how long. I'm putting myself back on strict bed rest, I want these babies well done! I also gained some more weight-go figure! I'm now up to 134lbs! Before we started IVF I was 92 lbs! That's amazing to me! I didn't think I would ever be this big! Hopefully some of it will stick around, I would love to shop for regular sizes!

My good news came in the form of a picture today. We're not a traditional couple, so why should our babies be? We custom ordered their coming home outfits! They were shipped today!

We want them to individuals, no identical outfits and this is border line. However we were able to have the colors spin in different directions which is just enough of a difference. These paired with tiny little jeans. We are both so excited. I could see DH dressing them in these everyday, wearing his own tie dye to match! DH is disappointed that they don't make red converse crib shoes, so much so he has though about white shoes with red fabric paint! I'm getting so excited!

Walking Contradiction

Thats how I feel. I was willing to do anything to get pregnant. The meeting tomorrow to discuss our delivery and do everything in my power to avoid a c-section seems like such a contradiction. I'd do anything to get them in, but I'm suddenly pick about their exit? But how can I calm myself? Who wants surgery, especially surgery that could be viewed as unnecessary? Am I wrong for wanting my doc to not take the easy way out? If she flat out refuses anything other than a c-section should I just accept it and lay down my demands for a c-section and hope they are respected? When am I allowed to decided what is best for my children and I? Is it worth it to seek out another doctor this late in the game? One who will respect my wishes and agrees with my philosophies? I feel so unsettled. I really like my doctor. She is best, she came highly recommended and I trust her. I have allowed myself to get too worked up and now I am questioning my decision to trust in this woman before we've even talked. I'm so defensive and this is really the wrong foot to go in on.

I also feel that DH should be more involved. I want his opinion, however I want his opinion to reflect mine. Yes we both want what's best for the children, however he is of the mind to follow the experts. Last night I found myself wondering if I am granted a shot at a regular delivery, will he live up to my expectations in a labor partner? This is something we haven't planned nor prepared for. Will I have enough support? I'm sure he'll be great, I just wonder if it something he is prepared for and interested in doing.

Over lunch today he said he'd make sure all my wishes were carried out. It was nice to hear, but I wish 'we' had wishes for him to over see. I feel like he is leaving everything up to me and I just wish he had opinions to share. I don't want to push him away or have him feeling left out. He's not a bystander, why should he feel/act as one? Ugh. I'm so unsettled and nervous. I'm not sure how to approach this, or how I will handle not having my wishes taken into consideration if that is the case. I'm hopeful that presenting medically sound supporting evidence will help my case. I want her to know that I search medical documents and journals, not some tree-hugger book from the library by the great earth mother. I really hate this limbo I've put myself in.

On the upside we now have flowers and more trees in the nursery. The extra infant seat attachment arrived today and the awesome diaper bag shouldn't be far behind! We're still waiting for the second car seat which I have a feeling we'll be buying. I would feel horrible and ungrateful going to my cousin asking where it is, even if my aunt was suppose to buy it for her. Finishing baby blankets are on tap for tonight's entertainment. Here's to hoping tomorrow isn't a bust.

A Tree Grows at 32 Weeks

So the wall were plain, too plain. DH and I spent today growing a tree in the nursery! It's gorgeous and I can't kill it!

And since today is 32 weeks, I decided to include myself in the pictures.

My sister-in-law thinks I am officially huge and I am beginning to agree. I can't being to imagine how much larger I'll get. The tree was really fun to build and luckily DH helped so it looks like a tree. I'm not much for the artsy stuff. I'm horrible at placement, balance...blah blah blah. However since we've finished the tree and it looks wonderful AND was easy and fun to do, we've decided we need more. Maybe another tree and some flowers, or a vine-anything! I'm sure we'll be heading out soon to peruse around the craft store.

Again I find myself dreading my next appointment. I am always anxious only at this appointment I intend to discuss my unwillingness to deliver via c-section. I refuse to have one unnecessarily or out of standard procedure. I really am willing and open to her thoughts and reasons but from what I read, it's not a necessity and I'm willing to take a little risk. So hopefully I will persuade her to my side and she'll let me go vaginal or I will leave understanding the necessity behind the procedure.

In other news, we have flies. A ridiculous amount of flies and since we've only put up one air conditioner, they seem to be flocking to the cold room too. I'm thinking that there must be a hole in a screen somewhere because I'm pretty sure there isn't anything rotting in my house LOL! The girls have been quite active for the last two days which is fun and annoying at the same time. I wish they would learn my ribs are sensitive! I think all their movement has contributed to my spike in BHC. Again, they are annoying but not painful or alarming-just a reminder that time is ticking and space is at a premium on the inside!

What a lovely week!

To recap week 31:

* Car broken into

* Cleaned/prepared nursery

* Relaxed with DH

* Beach trip

* Spare rib dinner with the inlaws and the sinking toilet

* Chocolate milk

Confused, no need to be. Knocking at 3 AM is never good, especially when you peek out our bedroom window to find 5 police cars, police scattered about with flashlights AND your car hanging wide open! Someone broke into our car, stole everything under the sun but was caught, chased and captured. Only as he ran he threw everything so nothing was recovered. I've decided he was a stinky, thirsty, sea turtle loving bum. Why you ask? Not because he made out with DH's ipod or my phone charger, but because he stole the sleeping bag, neck pillow, some CD's (but he left the Beatles-no taste!), lint roller, 12 pk of pepsi, jasmine-vanilla air fresheners, perfume, weimaraner bumper stickers and my sea turtle that hung from my mirror as my fertility good luck charm! What the hell does a person need with all that? How do you run with a pack of soda and a sleeping bag? I was most upset about the turtle, Tom, and spent the rest of the night flipping around in bed fearful that I would instantly go into labor without him around for protection!

We then clean the nursery. DH laundered everything and I put it all away. I feel so much better knowing the cribs are made and everything is in its place. Now all we need are babies to put it to use! Still need to pick up the pack-n-plays from my aunt and we're awaiting the arrival of the mythical car seat from my cousin/aunt/someone. I hope it comes. It's only available online and I'd like them to match.

DH and I relaxed. It was nice. No to-do list, no going out, no shopping-just sitting around being bums. He was actually not as excited as I thought he would be. The lack of forward motion upset him! Who knew? I thought I was over working him!

Then we hit the beach. It was wonderful. Almost 80 degrees, partially cloudy, really windy and rough sea. Perfect beach weather for the great white whale here! We were unable to find coming home outfits for the girls and I think the combination of dehydration and long car rides was more than I was ready for. I spent the rest of the evening contracting up a storm. The kind you should immediately call in, fearful of the well being of your unborn children. However selfish me hates hospital stays so I chugged water. More than one should chug! I peed all night! But eventually it settled itself as I knew it would. I will admit I feel horribly guilty and selfish not rushing to the hospital, 13 contractions in an hour is a bit much.

So I've been taking it easy. I've noticed since our little day trip my feet have started to swell. Nothing really noticeable, just puffier than before. Friday was rough. We went to the inlaws. DH fixed MIL's computer while I chatted with FIL. He's shopping skills amaze me. a box of cereal for 33 cents! Of course he loaded us up with his most recent finds while the girls were gnawing on my ribs. I felt like I buffet as I sat with FIL.

Last night I decided that our toilet is sinking. I no longer am able to just sit down, its more of a fall onto to seat. It has to be getting lower. It's ridiculous. I try my best to gracefully fall, especially when DH is around. I love providing entertainment! I guess this is just par for the course. However all was made better this morning when we went to the store and my favorite chocolate milk was IN STOCK! This delicious elixir could bring about world peace I'm convinced. I had some with breakfast, will have some with lunch, and then dinner. I will run out tomorrow no matter how hard I try to ration and may even shed a tear when I send DH out for more and it is again out of stock. I love support local business, I just wish they were capable to mass production sometimes. We drove past the farmers market because we were cashless and came home to find the nectarine I intended to eat with lunch was bad. Now I'm even more upset we miss the market. Ugh. So much for planning. Wow long recap of such an uneventful week! I'll go back to fretting now!

31 Weeks

I really didn't think I'd make it this far, but I'm so glad we have. Week 30 ended miserably. I was up most of last night with contractions. I debated waking DH up, but I knew if I did so too soon and they tapered off that he would be up worrying all night. I would have a few then they would space, I could get comfy and start to drift off but that would of course be interrupted! I'm blaming my eventful 4th of July weekend. For a lady on bedrest I must confessed that I enjoyed my time out way too much. We went to the parade where I laid on a beach towel in the sun, then walked up to the fair where my father got us in. The money we saved on admission I ate. We made a new addition to the family, Ramon-the most interesting fish in the tank! He is tiny compared to our whales! We finished the evening with fireworks and it was cold! July 4th and I was shivering with goosebumps!

I think my anxiety is really stepping up. Last night's contraction business didn't help. I'm not ready. It's not so much that we don't have anything, we pretty much have it all-sans my rocking chair! I'm excited to meet the babies finally and be a regular person again. I do have a huge issue with being carved up like a thanksgiving turkey. I have tried my best and succeeded in pushing the c-section out of my mind. Recently its all that has been on my mind and I'm really starting to crack. I still don't understand why I can't deliver Emma (who is a good little girl and facing head down) and then have a breech delivery with Claire. Or a breech extraction. Or jump up and down on the bed till she falls out! I really, really dread birth day. So much so the I can't even focus on joy of having babies finally! How do people deal with this?

I was thinking while we were waiting for fireworks that everything about this pregnancy is pre-planned and expected. I knew if the IVF was successful when my due date would be. I knew that it moved up 2-3 weeks once we saw twins. The only surprise we had was finding out the sexes and I wish we would have waited now. Maybe that would have given me something to be excited about once they've ripped my children from and taken them away to be "check-out" and "cleaned-off". I could marvel over the surprise of their sexes while my new family is whisked away and I send my husband to follow them while I lay on table in a cold room with my insides hanging out. I've been such a negative nancy the last few days, sorry to drag you all down. Hopefully another trip to the beach will lift my spirits.

To the Pharmacy!

I've been put on re.pliva which is an iron supplement the size of my head. Ok, perhaps not my head but at least the size of a cough drop! They're huge! And now that I have them in my possession, they remind me totally of birth control which really makes me laugh. All the pills are labels by day in a blister pack bill fold with different colored absorption pills for the last week. But to secure said iron, DH nearly lost his mind and our town it's pharmacy!

On our way home from the Dr. DH dropped it off at the local pharmacy, where I have dropped off prescriptions my entire life without problem. He was told two hours, three hours later we arrived and he was told 15 minutes. Well he was not a happy camper about this and had a small fit. So we went out to fill my snowball request and he picked up some groceries-plenty of time to fill right? Wrong. DH was VERY UPSET. So he took back the prescription.

The next day we went to the other pharmacy where we fill our "fertility needs" and I am apparently a "fertility patient" which means I can talk to Sally and no one else. I call in a refill for prenate using the auto system and she calls me back to let me know I need to talk to her. DH dropped off my iron prescription with whomever was out from and left. I called to check that it was ready before we headed over from our baby shopping excursion and was immediately sent back to who else-Sally. Who again informed me that we needed to see her, no one else because she handles the fertility patients! The whole time I'm waving my hands in the car because it's iron for Pete's sake! Lots of fertile people are anemic! At last she found it and it was filled waiting for me. It had been mixed in with the regular folks-HORROR!

However when DH went into pick it up some cut in front of him in line and he wasn't to pleased with that. The guy was a real jerk too and DH was already mentally exhausted from following me around baby shopping. I think from now on I'll handle the pharmacy trips!

I think the babies are in the midst of change, they were awake ALL DAY yesterday which was very weird. I know we traveled a bit but ALL DAY was totally out of the ordinary. Of course I haven't been able to sleep at night, which I did when we were away. But that stopped as soon as I got home. I usually try to sleep from 5-9 in the morning but they are usually awake, but not this morning! So I am hoping they are finding a new pattern that is more like the real world and less like my uterus!

Breakfast time!

Home!!!

Where to start?? Well the shower went better than I anticipated. The recliner was still there, in all it's La-Z-Boy glory. I joked with my father that he'll never be able to sit in it again because his baby having days were over. Aside from a small panic attack before gift opening I handled it well. I waited patiently for the cake, which was absolutely delicious. I need to upload that picture to show. We had good food and a good turn out. Everyone was pestering me for names as soon as we walked in the door! So without further hesitation the babies will be:

Baby A: Emma Mae

Baby B: Claire Telyn

More importantly, my girls made out like bandits!

Not pictured is the Con.tours Op.tions Tandem Stroller which I love and can't wait to use, the other car seat that is in the mail and a mystery gift waiting for personalization. The lady from work who said she was bringing fried chicken never showed, no surprise. However I was looking forward to her gift, she promised to get the other matching full size car seat for the one she bought us months ago. Oh well. We received virtually everything we need, including big ticket items like the stroller and breast pump. We managed to only get two duplicate items-amazing!

Our anniversary was Tuesday, so to celebrate we went to the beach-home for us. It was wonderful and so relaxing. We ate at our normal haunt and treated ourself to our favorite restaurant for a celebratory dinner. DH had his fair share of wine and I gave the babies a sip each. We made it back to our room safe and sound. Below is the official week 30 picture that is finally NOT in my bedroom prison cell! How is that for a "pregnant glow"??

Today we hit the doctors on our way home from the beach. My belly came in measuring 39" which means I'm done right?? LOL. I put on 8 lbs. from last visit for a bold 128. Cervix and cerclage is holding up well and she even gifted me some more movement so guess who is headed back to the beach?? The babies measured almost identical at 3lbs. 7 oz. and 3 lbs. 8 oz. showing even, steady growth and had good fluid measurements. The downside to all this is Claire is still breech and time is ticking. My c-section will be at week 38 and I'm none to pleased. I'll forget all this in 5 years so says my OB, but until then I'll worry my pretty little butt off!

Today DH almost blew up the pharmacy, but that story can wait till tomorrow...