Drizzle

It's been a long few days. Fall is here and I've felt my mood dropping. Seasonal effective-probably not but winter is always long and hard for me. I do love fall however. I wish the girls were a bit older and we could do the pumpkin farm thing. I often find myself torn over doing things with them. They are still so young and small, but they won't be forever. As much as I want them to grow, I want them to stay small more.

So what have I been doing with myself. Maintaining my laziness though creativity. Some times a mama needs to eat, even if it means making the kids work for it!

Necessity is the mother of all invention!

But why couldn't I just wait till they were done eating and fast asleep? What lead me to this? Miss Claire is bottle energy, I can only imagine what she will be like as a toddler! She also knows my every move. Anytime I am near food, she wails.

Example A:
Sometimes the spoon will make it to my lips before she lets out her first shriek! I swear she wants me to starve! Dear sweet Emma will settle herself down, if she is awake at all. Even if she is she is usually quietly taking the world in.

Other than my Claire enforced diet program, not much has been happening around here. Today we have a doctor's appointment for our last shot. I decided to break them up and still feel better about it, even if it doesn't matter. It is of course drizzling, it is always raining when I take the girls by myself. I swear they know when they are going too. They thwart all my attempts to move their feedings! I had them set up to feed at 3:30 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. so we could have time to get ready, head out and make our 9 a.m. appointment without the fussies. Well last night they choose to sleep, which I am NOT complaining about! 3:30 a.m and 7:30 a.m. have turned to- you guessed it!- 5 a.m. and 9 a.m.! So we will again be fuss pots at the doctors, then get shots and be even fussier! I'll feed them in the car and hopefully they'll eat without a fight. Emma has a tendency to not eat during the day when her Daddy is at work. She'll chug it down for him, me-not so much. We'll come back home where I'll hopefully be able to eat!! Throw some clothes in the wash and settle in for a nap after our lunches. I have always been one to value my sleep and I used to get a strong 8-11 hours a night so this new torture of 4.5 hours, which is more than I had in the beginning, still isn't cutting it!

I also have to call and make reservations. When I attempt to make them online with two children it says the rooms exceed maximum capacity. We need a king bed. We are headed home to the shore with the girls. This will be our first stay with them and I'm planning on it going well. All week my mind has been racing with plans and what-if scenarios. I want no surprises, just peace and relaxation! Next weekend can't come soon enough! My big planning issues are bottle washing, scheduling pump time, and the stroller. All self explanatory. I think I'm going to take a basin to wash the bottles in, and possibly my own towels to dry them on. (Note to self: pick up more bottles-thanks Kenton for eating one!) I really don't want to be running back to the hotel every 4 hours to pump, and I don't want to skip pumpings to have to make them up at night. I wish my production weren't so sensitive to change!!! The stroller is a god-send. I swore I wasn't going to get one, then we found out we were having twins. So I picked out a cool and practical stroller, and love it. However it does draw a lot of attention, or maybe it's just the girls (why are people so shocked to see twins? I could understand higher order multiples but twins, really?). It's also long and if it's crowded, and DH hates a crowd, it's a little tricky to maneuver around people. If we go into the outlets, which we will because everyone needs clothes and I think I'm going to start getting the girls some x-mas presents, the stroller will be nearly impossible to use in a store and I hate leaving DH there to rock them. So I scoured e.bay and got a 'new to us' baby.bjorn for DH and planned on taking my wrap. The carrier has extra long straps so it's pretty much solely for him and actually says for small people NOT to use it. However I used it, and loved it. SO I scoured again! Hopefully the second one comes before me leave and I have time to wash it! They are the greatest things ever. What is better is that I got both of them, with shipping for less than half the cost of a new one!! GO ME! So before I get off to find some ill fitting clothes to wear, because I can't allow myself to trek to the doctors in sweats, I'll leave you with my new favorite picture of the girls.

Euphoria on Empty

Sorry I've been gone.

The honeymoon is over and all that is left is a frazzled mama! I love being home with the girls which makes me hate my job even more. I'm only working 3 days a week still and every time I contemplate adding another day because I have a sitter or DH is off I decide against it-it's only money right?

My big problem is that I feel myself trying to be too stereo-typical-get-everything-done-need-no-sleep-super-mom. I stay up late to do their early morning feeding around 1 before I turn in, if I don't I'll sleep through it and I'm grouch when I don't get up on my own. Grouchy mama plus screaming hungry babies are never a good combination! So since I'm up and have energy I want to do stuff around the house and it's getting harder and harder to tell myself NO! I wish I could get up in the morning and take care of these tid bits while they are still sleeping after their early feeding but that is when I am catching up on my sleep(which I've finally accepted I will always be short on!). I'm having a terrible time just putting things off till the next day and it's starting to keep me up at night. Now I'm currently fretting that the sheets didn't get changed and the dogs weren't bathed. Not the biggest things in the world in my mind I can see the microscopic organisms crawling all over the sheets and it's driving me insane!

Going out with the girls has gotten much easier, both with help and without out! I've gotten the stroller down and loading and unloading have been mastered. DH was leery about using the underneath of the stroller as a basket when we were out but once he was on he own he got the idea! :) Monday he was home and we went out to target after the girl's appointment. I treated myself to some clothes from the misses section!!! This is the first time in my life I've been able to shop there! I'm a big girl now-haha! Speaking of big girl- I found ANOTHER stretch mark, this time on my butt cheek! How sexy! I know no one but DH will see it but come on, I'm not pregnant anymore why are these things popping up now?

The girl's appointment went wonderfully. They are growing very well, I'm so happy. I was afraid they'd be tiny forever and now I'm starting to miss them being so small. Claire weighted in at 8lbs 14 oz. and Emma was 9 lbs 6 oz.! YIKES! When did they get so big? Claire is now sporting a double chin-every preemie mother's dream! Emma is 21.25 inches, a quarter of an inch longer than Claire.

Here they are before their shots. I remember when those socks were thigh highs!

We decided to split their shots up. DH left that decision to me. I wish he had more of an opinion. I understand the benefits of immunizations and the need to protect everyone, I don't like that the government is telling me what to do with my children, and I certainly don't feel that preemies with immature immune systems need to be bombarded with a zillion dead viruses and chemicals. It might not make a different in the long run and it's going to cost me another trip to the doctors but I slept better. They actually weren't horrible about it either. Of course they let out shrieks and shed some tears but about 30 seconds after they were fine. They were sleepy for the rest of the day and only took one dose of tylenol-which by the way smells delicious and they seemed quite pleased with the taste as well.

The girls are more awake now which is nice, I get to see more personality. However it's becoming more difficult as they don't quite entertain themselves or each other and these two hands have bottles to make, laundry to fold and diapers to change! Emma likes to get up in the morning while Claire will fall right back to sleep after her breakfast. It's amazing how much they are like DH and I! Claire loves to sit up and when we were in toys.rus I looked into a bumbo. Silly me didn't think that my girls were early and small for their age. So maybe in 3 months they'll fit into one! So disappointing. So she'll have to settle for the car seat for now. Emma is finally staying awake and showing us some of herself. She has pretty much slept the first 10 weeks of her life away! Luckily she is still laid back and no where near as demanding as Claire. I don't think I could handle two of them!

Not much else is going on. My boss doesn't seem to want to give me one of the weeks I requested for vacation. His excuses range from I just had 6 months off to there are two other people on vacation. I reminded him that I work a whopping 3 days a week and in my absence they survived and even managed to train a few people! So we'll see. I'm planning our first family trip!! Hooray! We really need a weekend away. Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my demon sister... she's always good for a laugh!

What has 2008 done for me?

We started 2008-unmarried, knowing I was perfectly fertile after 2 years of trying, and excited for the arrival of a new puppy. February brought the 0 sperm count and me watching DH lose all sense of masculinity. March was a fog of IF depression that had lingered on and off for months and a birthday I can't recall. April was the first RE visit, which offered little new information on the IF front and a referral to the urologist-Dr. DaVinci. IVF-ICSI was our only choice for bio-babies which really depressed me. IVF was something I wanted no part of. It was also there that dear Dr. Katz strongly suggested I put down my warrior woman ways and get married to save the $$$. It also brought fear the DH would crumble and not follow through. May is a distant memory of DH's urologist visit, his panicking and calling for information that he couldn't recall but that I couldn't forget. June was our Not-Wedding Wedding on the beach and the exciting news that the urologist was joining our RE's office! July was the month that Dr. DaVinci took off to film and do media tours while "moving" to the new office. It mean everything was getting pushed further back. August I called back to the urologist to make an appointment to magically find that they had been accepting appointments earlier but that I would now have to wait till September. September was the urologist follow-up that left us with really expensive vitamins and booby pills! October was the set-up of our cycle by me begging unnecessarily to my RE after my nurse told me no December cycles. November we skittishly began injectables. December was the fun of stimming, daily monitoring, insane E2 levels, retrieval, microTESE, OHSS, NO SPERM, lucky two sperm=lucky two embryos, disgusting prometrium, and finally the mythical BFP. 

Going out with a bang-HELL YEAH! This marks the end of a three year struggle,  the beginning of a new life, and the true strength of our relationship. I can't help but feel guilt, as though it's all been handed to me. I am truly grateful for that which we have accomplished together. I hope 2009 treats us, as well as all of you, very kindly. 

Christmas

Well what a day. 

I stayed up late christmas eve baking pumpkin rolls-which everyone seemed to love. That of course left me tired for christmas day when we had to get up extra early for presents and breakfast so we could get the rest of the cooking out of the way. This year we set a limit, with all the costs and potential costs of this cycle I couldn't justify indulging in material items to satisfy my anxiousness. It was really amazing how we were able to finagle so much from so little. The boys were gifted with new bones and two new toys from Santa Paws and were delighted. DH and I noticed we had two boxes that were exactly that same size, shape and wieght-what a coincidence! Yes, we bought each other the same gift. I'm just glad my mom also didn't get us the same thing! What would we have done with 3 covers for our Wii Fit?

We traveled first to the SIL's which was suppose to be relaxing for me as my family is bat-shit crazy. Well I was greeted by huge hugs don't ya know? After a cordial welcome, the MIL busts out with "So have you heard anything yet?" but I kept my cool. I lied of course and told her we wouldn't know till after the New Year. So that settled her, she went on to ask how I was feeling and yadda, yadda, yadda. Then after dinner SIL did the same thing when everyone vacated the dining room. Then proceeded to inquire why I wasn't POAS's and informed me that she would twice a day till she got a result she was pleased with. It must be nice to be a fertile-myrtle! Then the last blow was when my SIL's friend was leaving. V is a very nice woman and a great friend to the SIL, she came to hug me good bye-weird- and said she believed a congratulations was in order! No, not yet people! Just chill! I have only myself to blame for telling my SIL anything at all. She can never keep her big mouth closed! I wonder if she told them about the mess these suppositories make too or that I cried like a baby and hid from DH the morning we did our first Lupron shot?!  So we had to run to make it to our second dinner and I really started to lose it when we made it to the car. DH is so sweet, he is so attentive and worried over me now. I think he freaked out a little. But he understood and after a quick chat, off we were!

Then it was my cousin M's house-full of people! Yet my other prego cousin K was no where to be found. She is always late so I knew she would be arriving soon. We ate and everything was well. The in comes prego, who proceeds to throw down her 18 week ultrasound pics and goes of fin search of food. That was when everyone started to gather and ohh and ahh. Luckily my cousin M who I have confided in, but only piece of info without great detail, was there to talk to us and we all made fun of prego. We always make fun of prego, it was a pregnancy attack- I know what you all were thinking! My younger sister had a melt down that nearly ruined the evening but my cousin was able to diffuse the situation luckily. I had to wait around for everyone to leave to get all the details, but it was one of her typical, pointless explosions. She sat her self in a corner and continued to be a waste of space. I am so greatful of my cousin for not spilling the beans. I knew she wouldn't I was still worried that she would slip and my mother would find out. I never tell my mother anything, we have a distant relationship at best. I didn't even tell her we married, she found out 4th hand which didn't go over well. Although DH almost sank us when he referred to hospital bracelets which perked mother's ears but I continued to talk, non-stop for 10 minutes changing the topic multiple times to distract her!

So over all we had a good night I think. 

I still want to POAS, but like Clio I am nervous. This is our only chance and I know that disappointment will not be handled well. I am getting upset because I want chocolate and my face is breaking out. Both period symptoms from me, however the prometrium could be blamed for the acne, and my sudden desire to eat healthy and abandon junk food could explain the chocolate desire. I have no signs or symptoms and with Tuesday fast approaching, I'm getting myself way to worked up. I have been peeing an awful lot and having an insatiable appetite, both of which would be way to early to be attributed to pregnancy. I just want a sign, preferably a plus sign!

Enough

I've had enough, just take my money! So the financial guru at DH's urologist office calls wanting $4,000 and since this was her third call in two weeks, she was willing to talk to me. She always insists on talking to DH even though he always refers to me, so we chat. She want to know how we are paying and if she can take that for me over the phone right now. We'll no, no you can't. I don't like parting with my cash and you haven't given me $4k worth of service or proven to me that I really need to paying you $4k at all! 

Enter side stage: pre-auth

Well what about the pre-authorization I had sent to you three times last week. Oh you did receive it and it means bubkiss? WHY? She proceeds to tell me that he is having a procedure that is slightly different from a microdissection testicular sperm extraction. OH REALLY? That's news to us! So she gives me info for carecredit and I agree to call her back tomorrow. I hastily email Dr. DaVinci's assistant inquiring-again-specifically what we are paying for, and what he is scheduled for. She quickly responded with:

Your husband is scheduled for a Microdissection Testicular sperm extraction, which is $4000.00 for Dr. DaVinci's fee. There is also a facility fee and anesthesia fee from the Women's Pavilion, but someone should have called you from there directly. If not, there number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. They may be able to bill for the anesthesia and facility fee - but check with them if they have not called you yet. But, the actual procedure by Dr. DaVinci is not covered. It is an unlisted code and is a self pay procedure. If you have any other questions if that does not make sense, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

So now I'm not sure what to do or how I feel. I have pre-authorization from my insurance that covers unlisted procedures and specifies microdissection. I think I'm giving in. I would really like to know why it is not covered when we have pre-authorization, why she couldn't be bothered to get the information from the woman's pavilion like she said she would last month, and why I have to pay-in advance- for a procedure that might not occur. I'm sure getting a refund will be just as fun, and partial no doubt. The only small break I get today and that too is filled with MFI and IVF which is synonymous with aggravation, disappointment and hope. Plus I grabbed my "dressy" jacket so I am not confused with a student, which has happened in the recent past, and just realized that the only food that was to enter my system today along with my money and beloved juice box are in my other coat. 

Cue the pregnant chick!

My last minutes of personal time just hit a downer with the arrival of the pregnant girl, complete with the belly rubbing and back stretching. :( Not to worry, I'll be rubbing my belly after menopur tonight, and my back will be killing me from being on my feet for about 14 hours today! Did I mention I am exhausted? That I got NO SLEEP thanks to the night sweats/hot flashs that came compliments of crazy, sudden rise in my E! Or maybe it was lupron, I dunno. And the puppy ate my shoe, gosh I am so whiney! Sorry. 

Sometimes I wonder if these is all worth the fight. I want to go home. 

Tell me it's okay!

So after Friday nights shot, I got worried. I thought I did the wrong dose, but DH said no. Friday the nurse called while we were at the mall! So I wrote it down and left it on the table in the food court. So Friday we did 112.5 of gonal-F and 50 of menopur and I knew the menopur was correct. I called Saturday and then waited for the Dr. to call back but he wasn't in the office so he was no help. So I just did 112.5 again and off for our Saturday night date we went. Unlucky me was the recipient of 4 horrible shots that day, it was not DH's best shot-giving day and so now I have a scratch and more "freckles". This morning found out that I was indeed wrong for both days. It was suppose to be 75 units of gonal-F, and I almost cried. DH was there a had a look of horror on his face. 

"You have to listen to what your nurse tells you Mire-randa."-Dr. K.

I love his accent, he's so awesome and he did tell me that it turned out to be not so bad. Lucky me-additional bloating and swelling and eggs on a 97lb. frame! I will go back to writing on my hand. I do feel like an ass though. I was sad the whole way home, I feel like I've cursed myself. 

I didn't get a follie count, but there were alot! He only measured 14 or so of them and I was too upset over the meds to ask. He was his normal playful self though and I still got my fist-bump so I'm trying not to fret too much. 

In other depressing new, I re-worked my work schedule to have off for a Monday morning appointment that I now don't have. Moby, our massive carnie-fish, has a parasite hanging off of him. The cat was locked in the buffet for I don't know how long-without complaint! DH's concerts are this week, which involves me carting drugs around again and heavy lifting which will be fun with my tummy feeling so full and twingey. Head up though, I still have a week and a half left!

On My Own

So E2 was 90.7 today which she was please with, but it seems to low in comparison to everyone else. Gonal-F remained the same and they lowered my menopur to 50 units. For some reason I'm really bothered by that as it's only day 3 for stims, but I trust them. The shots went wonderfully, even if it was me, alone in the bathroom on the pot using the baby changing table as a counter. But only after having sterilized it with about 400 of the lovely little alcohol wipes! As a reward for my venture DH had bright orange Gerbera daisies and more Royal Dansk butter cookies waiting. What a fabulous life!

P.S.
I wrote in the cement, they erased, I waited till they left. I'm a rebel!