No one told me...

...all the weird feelings that pregnancy brings only intensify and multiply. At 16 weeks, I'm almost dreading what the following weeks will bring. I really enjoy feeling the babies move, however I find myself worrying when I don't feel them for some time or can't differentiate their movement from other unmentionables. Everything seems to be following "the book" and there have been no alarms raised. We're just biding our time till Thursday's mega ultrasound.

Week 16, you're the best! While I've been nauseous I HAVE NOT thrown up! This being the first week free of puking I feel a celebration is in order! However week 16 also brought a larger belly, I know this is to be expected-duh I'm pregnant, but it felt like it grew ALOT overnight. I feel like my once tight, 6 pack tummy is being stretched beyond belief and that I truly may experience my muscles tearing on the inside. It's the worst underneath, closest to my pubic bone. I've tried to convince myself that I just have to pee, but peeing doesn't always help. The newest, weirdest feeling is that of my skin/body "folding" where my ribcage and belly meet. Having always been tiny, this is new and I am constantly trying to sit up and re-situate myself to make this go away but I don't think it will. I'm also tired physically. Again I know that there are two, blah blah blah, but I just worry that this is all going to grow exponentially worse! Is that irrational? Right now I am tolerably uncomfortable and I can only imagine how awful I will feel in the middle of the summer when my shanty size tummy grows to be mansion! I think it's safe to say that I am deathly afraid to getting "so big" and being "all belly". I'm thinking of investing in a specially made walker to hold up the tummy for me so I don't topple over, does anyone know a good carpenter? I need to go home.

Thoughts?

So with sex on the brain...I've been thinking about sex. More specifically the sex of the babies which I have to wait another week to hopefully find out. We are at odds over what we're having, DH is positive that it will be two of the same and most likely girls. I have no clue, that whole shtick about "just knowing"-that's a lie. I am totally clueless and just hoping for at least one little man. But now I've moved on to trying to rationalize this and find supports for my arguments. I found myself supporting DH, which upsets me a bit. I figure that if he has low testosterone, that maybe he only makes the "girl sperm" and we'll only ever have girls so a second round of IVF craziness for the purpose of trying for a boy is crazy. The thought of doing it again at all is crazy, I really don't think I could. But does it make sense that someone with low testosterone would only produce girls? I've attempted to google this of course but what do you ask google? 

And here is the most recent picture at 16 weeks 2 days, compliments of photo booth. It's very hard to use a laptop camera in my house with all the windows. The bump doesn't look too big, but I'm really starting to feel it. Mother implied that I look comparable to her co-workers prego daughters, who are 7 months along. We have such a strenuous relationship at times. But she did decide to throw me a shower-before the babies come! Sadly it is the weekend of my anniversary and my SIL's birthday so attendance is already dwindling and I won't be going away as planned! Beggars can't be choosers I guess.

Fornication=BLISS

Fornication for the sake of fornication! We really had sex tonight! It was GREAT! 

4 months can really wear a woman down!

WHAT? NO ULTRASOUND!??!

As I predicted, with DH tagging along there was no ultrasound yesterday. I figured as much and this morning felt disappointed. But he did get to hear the heartbeat for the first time which was cute. As the Dr was leaving the room we exchanged looks which caught the nurse's eye and sent me laughing. They were worried something was wrong, but I didn't want to admit that they had broken my husbands heart by not doing an u/s today. After they left DH confirmed that the swishing was the babies' hearts, I had forgotten he hadn't heard that before. We went into the Dr's office, had a chit-chat and were off to make our next appointment. The anomaly scan which is scheduled to last 90 minutes-at 7:30 in the morning! DH has made it a priority to be there and find out what we're having. I think he could care less about fingers and toes at this point. I have to eat before which should be fun. Getting up at 6 craming something down that will hoefully stay and taking a drive to lie down and kill my back on that slightly inclined table! GREAT! The next two weeks are going to drive him mad so I'll reflect on that while I struggle to stay awake.

In other news....my house is a mess. Since becoming pregnant I've stopped doing everything. It's not out of oh-I'm-pregnant-can't-lift-a-finger syndrome, I just have no energy. If I take care of the house before I go to work, I'm a zombie all night. Everyone says the babies are just sucking the life out of me, and I'm starting to believe if. No matter how much I sleep at night, I'm always tired. I know it's a phase and it will pass, but someone tell that to my dining room table!

Today I text DH about our need to start looking for birth classes and the like to which I received "ok". Maybe I'm over reacting, but I really wanted him to be interested and he doesn't seem to be. I think he might be perfectly content reading a book in a corner while I deliver the babies. Then I watch the dreaded baby shows and wonder why he's not like those Dads. I should just give him time I guess. He was fairly interested in me feeling movement so maybe he is still working himself up. Only time will tell.

My Worm

My dear worm found out her husband's mTESE was a failure, and my heart is bleeding for her. I sat at my table and cried, it's just not fair. It's not fair it happens, it's not fair it can't be fixed. I hate the doctors for giving us so much hope, I hate the world for not being fair and just. I can't imagine her pain although I've been there before. 

I also feel incredibly guilty, like I led her on. I now feel like I sensationalized my story, that if it worked for us...you get the idea. I still consider our mTESE a failure and although a miracle did happen, it's nothing I would put money on or go through again. I can't believe my husband is even willing to do so. 

But here I am, feeling incredible guilty for our success. Twins from worst tissue Dr.D had ever seen. I had the audacity to feel bad for wasting so many eggs. But I had something and today I am more than ever grateful for it. I can't help but think that yesterday I was pretty much throwing a tantrum about being a "baby carrier" and losing my individuality and today I can't be happier about. 

So to my worm, I'm sorry. I know there are children in your future, just not in the conventional manner. The infertility game is a gamble and maybe the next time the odds will be in your favor. 

Wanna See A White Boy Jump?

Then watch as his pregnant wife is knocked into the street!

I shouldn't laugh, it really had the potential for disaster. We were walking the dogs, I had slow and faithful and DH had Mr. Energy himself. I was walking street side, he fence side. We came to a big privacy fence and our little ball of energy Kenton walked right up to the dog barking behind the fence. Well this upset the big scary dog who charged the fence and sent all 70 pounds Kenton flying back, into me! Bam, I flew into the street. While trying to collect my pride and not cry over my scrapped up palm, DH is nearly screaming my name on this very quite, tree-lined street. Of course today my shoulder and hip are sore, but I'm glad I can look back and laugh! 

Yesterday I celebrated St. Patrick's day with some Italian food, I'm a German girl so I guess it really doesn't matter. No Guinness here... :( I did manage to finally call the insurance company to see why they have yet to cover DH's surgery. Turns out the Dr's office never sent in their paperwork! So I naturally called the Dr's office and they claim to have never received paperwork! So I threw my hands up and went shopping. I'll tackle that tomorrow. Today I have work, a major headache, and need to get myself all geared up and worried for the Dr's tomorrow. It's so weird to have gone an entire month without an office visit, a call, new meds, a ultrasound or b/w. I feel relatively normal, and that is very strange! However I'm concerned about all the cramping I've been having, the constant headaches and the sex of the babies. I'm also worried about my sex life and my cribs coming back in stock but I don't think she can fix either of those!

Almost forgot...

What do you think?

Boys? Girls? One of each?

I'm hoping for one of each, DH thinks two girls which I do believe would kill me!

Christ you know it ain't easy...

So Monday was my birthday, sadly I was wished a happy birthday by my insurance agent before my mother-weird. Sunday we went home and took the dogs. Orion loved the beach, he always does. We walked up to the water and he just plopped down and rolled around. We had delicious pizza and the boys behaved themselves very well in the crowds.

Monday I had to work, lucky me! But a lady I work with bought me a cake and everyone has very congratulatory. Monday night we went to the melting pot for a much needed slow, relaxing dinner to celebrate my birthday. Fondue solves all I've decided, and the babies liked it too. They liked it so much I had to order another plate of dessert. DH downed an entire bottle of wine because the following day was his band assessments, which he nailed. I'm so proud of him.

However with all the happiness and being content in life, I'm just not feeling it. I'm constantly worried. I'm worried about work, about being cut. Hours are being cut like crazy and although I am full-time and I don't mind the extra time off to catch up on sleep, I'm worried how much my average hours worked is going to drop and how it will cut my maternity pay. Speaking of being out, I'm more and more anxious to not work. I'm always so exhausted and I know I need to work, but then I worry that I'm doing more harm than good. I notice I start cramping at work, I don't get enough to drink and I'm certainly not eating enough-worry, worry, worry! 

Thursday is our next visit, I'll be 15 weeks and 3 days. DH is attending this time which makes me happy. I'm worried still that there won't be an ultrasound. After this visit I start going bi-weekly and I'm afraid they'll just wait till I'm closer to 20 weeks for the anatomy scan or further along to determine the sex. I will really suck if DH goes and it's just a quick in and out. I'll be so disappointed. I'm really anxious to see that they are both still growing and measuring on time and I'm dying to know the sex. 

I'm also tired of being the baby carrier. I know people are just curious, but I'm still a person. Ask how I'm feeling, not the babies. Notice me, not the bump. Most important, I'm NOT BUDDAH! I'm only 14 weeks and I know  it's only going to get worse so I'm trying to just go with the flow. 

Dinner and Ice Cream

DH made dinner....and I didn't throw it up! The cycle is broken! Hooray!

And to celebrate we went out for ice cream!....and I didn't throw it up!

And I'm hungry again! Week 13, you're the best! If only the morning part of the morning sickness would skadaddle!