Egg Donor??

So far before we had children, before we discovered our infertility issues, and I think before we were seriously dating, I always wanted to be an egg donor. I felt like it was the closest thing I could do to give someone the child they wanted. I would love to just give someone a child, especially myself, but who could give away a baby? Certainly not me. But I can surely lend you some eggs!

With all the things that have happened over the last 4 years it has slipped to the back of my mind and totally off the radar till this morning. I am a fan of our clinic on FB and they posted something about needing egg donors! So I fired off a letter to my nurse asking her for some info and sneaking in a cute picture of the girls. DH and I will talk tonight. I think I am an candidate since we have MFI and I am fine. I hope I can donate. Cross that off the bucket list and collect a check! What could be better. Perhaps I could do it a few times. Maybe even make enough to pay off some debt and save for another round of IVF for ourselves. That would be amazing. But I am not getting my hopes up. I full expect to be turned down since I was previously a patient. But seriously, I'm young, healthy, and make beautiful babies! Who wouldn't want me??

So this will be at the forefront of my mind as I have lunch with my mother. Ugh. I still have no idea where we will go. I need to sign her cards. I should dress the girls up. I still need to throw diapers in the wash and do a million other things. There is a severe case of baby-itis going through me now and it's a total distraction! My cousin is 37 weeks today and just went in for a NST since she has been contracting and that just has me white knuckled. I am really afraid that seeing her with her new baby, and then caring for her new baby will depress me. Don't get me wrong I am totally excited for her and can't wait to meet Hammy but it will also serve as a reminder that I cannot just romp around and make another baby. Does that ever go away? I am so thankful to have my girls and should really focus my attention on their party.

I am still at a total loss for a theme, a cake, what to get them, blah blah blah. Right I am leaning towards an Eri.cCarle theme. Maybe the caterpillar made of cupcakes instead of a cake? I wish there was a guide book for planning birthdays, that would be wonderful right now!

Walnut Brownie Celebration

So much for dieting right?

Tonight we had walnut brownies instead of the cake I planned to bake. Why a cake? Because the girls are a year old, as in year ago today sperm met egg. I know, how corny, but I think it's neat. I can tell you the exact day the girls were conceived, lets see a fertile do that!

But the mini celebration that has been raging through my head today reminded me of where we were this night last year, thinking that our cycle was a failure and that we would never have children. I have never, and I wonder if I ever will again, see my husband cry so hard and show such raw emotion. I remember trying to calm him, but how do you calm someone who has just had that news delivered? The silence in our house that night, the dread that filled our bedroom, my constant motion and over exertion to keep going and not deal with reality-it feels like it was just yesterday.

I drove us home, you know right after retrieval-HA!, put him to bed, fed him and ran out to get his drugs. Then I waited for him to sleep. I left him. I locked myself in the basement stairwell and tried so hard to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't give up hope. I was hoping for a miracle and that is exactly what I got. Two to be exact. I couldn't be any happier. I can't get enough sniffs, kisses or cuddles in. I even love dirty diapers, how sick is that? DH still carries around the lucky two dollar bill. I'm seriously thinking we'll frame it.

Today I just stared at them for a bit. I wondered how we got here, if I could remember each step, each person we met along the way. My weirdest thought today, which totally screams IVF-er, was wondering how many cells they are now. How silly is that? I'd definitely label them grade A! I feel bad, I sent word of their birth but never sent out the announcements. Holiday pictures will have to do!

Hopefully I'll get some pictures of the girls in front of the tree tomorrow. It took two days but we got it up and decorated. DH picked out a wonderful tree this year, it's full and dense. Did I mention he also picked out our ornament this year? It was raining Sunday morning and after dragging the girls in and out of the car a few times I was spent. He takes such great care of us! Oh, and Mr. Wonderful is also doing the christmas shopping for the girls! I hate stores, especially this time of year. He, however, is a great shopper. He can stay on task and knows all the out of the way places to find just what he needs! I don't know what I'd do without him. I did manage to make the girls stockings, and today I cut out fronts for matching night gowns. I dunno if I'll finish them. I'll leave you with some pictures of our weekend!

Mother called them grinch shoes, I called them elf boots. I'm really please with them. I was upset that I forgot to put in the loops to hang them, not that we hang our stockings!

Our ornament for 2009-we went with "family christmas" as our theme this year.

Our nap this afternoon. Look at how big my babies are! Claire is on top at 14lbs 3 oz and Emma is 13 lbs 8 oz! Jeeze!!

Claire's smashed ear. She did this all the time when she was first born, she would rub her head into the mattress just like I do! I didn't think they would still get stuck-I was wrong!

Hope everyone is have a good week. I think I'll make cookies tomorrow and finish putting out decorations. I figure if I finish before christmas I won't be a bad mom!

Its Sunny

It will remain sunny. I was reminded today of what horrible odds we've over come. We shouldn't have biological children, nature didn't intend for that. However two sperm left us with two embabies, which both stuck around leaving us with twins! All thanks to the two dollar bill of course! I think I might frame it. I went back today a read my old blogs, reminiscing in our journey down the IF path. We could all write incredible books, shows, movies...

But enough tears. It was all a reminder of why I am trapped here in bed. It reenforced that it is well worth it, no matter how cranky I may get. Trust me, I am indeed getting cranky-poor DH. One month in to bed rest and I think I am handling it pretty well over all. I don't think the boredom can be totally escaped. Luckily I have friends and family to talk to, shopping to do, and a wedding album to put together. Really, I'm going to make the album! I'm working to accept the backache as part of the process. I'd kill to know someone who would rub my back each night. It's starting to cost me sleep at night which is no fun. My happy foam mattress is suppose to fight off all backaches! Thus far in my sentence I've handled some medical bills, fought constantly with insurance companies, set up new insurance plans, and decided what color I am next going to paint my bedroom as a consolation prize for over coming bed rest and delivering healthy babies! I'm starting to feel "big". Little tasks like dealing with toe nails and shaving are starting to take more effort. I don't know if I can ask DH to handle these things, but summer is coming and I cannot stand hair legs rubbing together! Weird that it doesn't bother me in the winter LOL!

Wednesday is the next growth scan and visit. I hoping for no cervical changes and lots of growth. I am still really leery of being able to complete the glucose test. I am really happy that it is the end of the school year and DH is taking half a day to take me to my appointment. I need to get my list of questions together and find all my bargaining chips. My Dr will bargain with me to some degree and right now I am itching for a date night! I'm thinking a movie night at the drive-in to see UP! Or whatever else is playing, I just need out! 

Without any further delay...

Week 26! T-98 days and counting!

My chart too!

So everyone gets to put up a chart, so I'll proudly display mine too! Today's b/w was early, and my call very late which got me all worked up. It turns out that my nurse is off and that the other nurse who I'm not particularly fond of was calling everyone. I love how she always introduces herself as a nurse from Dr. So-n-so's office calling with your results as if I haven't been holding my phone all afternoon waiting for the number to pop up! Today's number was 806. Which she seemed very impressed with. She told me to "keep doing what you're doing cause it's working" which I laughed at. She made sure I was doing ok and that I was continuing my meds. Thats it.

Now it's down to a.) how long do we keep our secret and b.) who do we tell and how. I really wish I didn't have to work all night, I'm so sleepy. DH is in a "special" mood and now I'm not sure how to handle him. I wish he were excited with me, but he is down in dumps for some reason. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. 

What has 2008 done for me?

We started 2008-unmarried, knowing I was perfectly fertile after 2 years of trying, and excited for the arrival of a new puppy. February brought the 0 sperm count and me watching DH lose all sense of masculinity. March was a fog of IF depression that had lingered on and off for months and a birthday I can't recall. April was the first RE visit, which offered little new information on the IF front and a referral to the urologist-Dr. DaVinci. IVF-ICSI was our only choice for bio-babies which really depressed me. IVF was something I wanted no part of. It was also there that dear Dr. Katz strongly suggested I put down my warrior woman ways and get married to save the $$$. It also brought fear the DH would crumble and not follow through. May is a distant memory of DH's urologist visit, his panicking and calling for information that he couldn't recall but that I couldn't forget. June was our Not-Wedding Wedding on the beach and the exciting news that the urologist was joining our RE's office! July was the month that Dr. DaVinci took off to film and do media tours while "moving" to the new office. It mean everything was getting pushed further back. August I called back to the urologist to make an appointment to magically find that they had been accepting appointments earlier but that I would now have to wait till September. September was the urologist follow-up that left us with really expensive vitamins and booby pills! October was the set-up of our cycle by me begging unnecessarily to my RE after my nurse told me no December cycles. November we skittishly began injectables. December was the fun of stimming, daily monitoring, insane E2 levels, retrieval, microTESE, OHSS, NO SPERM, lucky two sperm=lucky two embryos, disgusting prometrium, and finally the mythical BFP. 

Going out with a bang-HELL YEAH! This marks the end of a three year struggle,  the beginning of a new life, and the true strength of our relationship. I can't help but feel guilt, as though it's all been handed to me. I am truly grateful for that which we have accomplished together. I hope 2009 treats us, as well as all of you, very kindly. 

Lucky 2 Dollar Bill

ER and micro-TESE yesterday. 

I arrived a ball of nerves, so much so that the nurse that took me back gave me a big hug and held me all the way back to the pre-op room. ER was over in a flash and I felt fine. Then I sat with DH till he went back, boy was he antsy. Dr. DaVinci, who DH has renames Dr. D and the IT(inadequate testis)  recovery team, met with us and then he was walked back and half an hour late he would like everyone to know. 

I knew the surgery could take up to three hours, she explained that she goes till she finds something or has done enough damage. The longer it took, the more upset I got. It meant she wasn't finding anything. But I held it together. Two hours and a half hours later she comes to talk to me with her big DaVinci veneer smile to tell me that they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one single sperm. She patted me on my back, said she was sorry and that she was sure she would find something. Then she left. I had another thirty minutes to kill before I could go back to see him. I was numb. I decided to called my mother-in-law who has to be the sweetest, warmest old lady ever. Although she doesn't know the full picture, she knew he was going in and asked that I call. I went to the bathroom and called. I just told her he was fine, that he was waking up and I would see him soon. I feel like I lied, but I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that her son would never produce biological children. If DH doesn't want anyone to know, then I would be fine with that. 

I got to see him finally, they didn't give me his post-op room number but I could follow the sobs. For a man who has cried twice in 8 years, this was a production I've never experienced. I don't know how I kept it together. I didn't cry. I held him, in his drug induced state as he cursed the world and repeatedly asked why not one. His heart rate and bp were crazy so he had to settle down before we could leave. 

After we left he didn't cry, he hasn't cried since. I think the sedation helped him let is guard down. He/We need time to heal. I drove us home and killed myself going back out for his prescriptions and his precious pepsi. I really wore myself down yesterday, I felt so bad for him and for us. I'm in so much pain, hyper-stimulation sucks. They retrieved 19 eggs. My abdomen is bloated beyond belief and simply rolling, walking and even pee-ing is a huge and painful task. Now that he is clear headed I get to hear him yelling at me to take it easy.

So it was over, done. The end of our IVF struggles.

Until this morning.

They found two. Two swimmers that had the strength of mikey phelps, that fertilized two eggs and are growing. We have two. So now we sit and hope that they keep growing. I get to catch up on my meds and hope that they make it till Thursday. Just hope and clench our lucky two dollar bill. 

Tomorrow

I didn't think I'd be this nervous about retrieval. Not so much for myself, but for DH who is actually having an operation. I'm also very nervous to call his mother, who only has half the story, for fear I will spill the beans that I consider to be his. 

I'm not religious, but if I were I'd be praying my ass off right now for swimmers. Instead I've lit a bunch of candles and have gone into a cleaning frenzy, filling all my thoughts with hope and the good wishes sent by so many.

Wish us luck!

Happy Trigger Day

Happy trigger day, happy trigger day. May your bel-ly, be full of, ovidrel to-night!

Finally, it time for trigger. Only three days late, but only my belly has been marking the time. My estradoil has been crazy, yesterday it was at 3655 so that called for no stims. Luckily the e came down some because if it hadn't and it crested 5000, retrieval would have been pushed back again. I know I made it by the skin of my teeth! So at 10p.m. we'll trigger and then off for our Saturday night diner date!

DH is a basket case on the inside but trying his damnedest to not let it show. Surgery is scary, but at least we'll be in the same building on Monday. I am scheduled at 8 and he at 11:30 so he'll get all the support my drug-up body can give! I think it's hilarious he is more upset over having to wear a jock strap than the actual surgery. This is the same jock strap he has avoided buying for four day, instead coming home with boxer-briefs insisting they were the same! HA! I guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow. 

I have tried my best to put everything out of my mind. It will all work out in the end. His SA yesterday showed nothing, so much for the $70 super vitamins. I am keeping hope the the micro TESE will bring us hundreds of happy, healthy swimmers. I am not being greedy and asking for the tens of millions that are "normal," I really only need one right? 

My nurse agreed this morning that work really wasn't the best idea today, and since I start vacation tomorrow we decided she should write me out. No arm twisting was necessary. DH and I napped and when out to attempt some shopping. Nothing was procured. We still have to finish up christmas shopping, get groceries to tide us over, find the perfect tree, not lose our minds...While we were out though, babies plagued us. They were every where! Everyone was pregnant, there were signs and billboards. My favorite was one that read "Have you been a father today?" to which DH slammed down the accelerator. No word were exchange between us but I know that he is about to break. Head up though.

I'm anxious and excited and worried about swimmers. However since everything was moved up, we are taking tomorrow off for ourselves to go "home". A day at the beach is just what we need to relax. Then some jock strap shopping....heads up, we're off for some Hoberts!

Update #1

The assistant, who was super-duper nice to me, called to say that no one has a clue what is going on. However, dear Dr. DaVinci just won my heart by saying she'll do the procedure no matter what. We have been on the books forever, apparently that means something, and she had high hopes for us. She said she wasn't concerned about the money. How great would it be if this was some sort of holiday gift from her! Let not be ridiculous. Apparently in between the time this was scheduled in December and now codes have changed and other stuff has changed and everyone is lost on how to handle our case. When I asked how I would handle the woman's pavilion who wants $6k upfront or they'll cancel OR time, she said she'd handle it.

So I'm waiting for her to call back, I feel totally out of control yet happy that she has turned into my advocate. This is apparently beyond anyone grasp, so now I don't feel so stupid. I will miss going home this weekend, I really needed it.

F!%#&%*@&%!%&#@*!!!

This is not going as planned. Hurt, rage, anger, frustrations.....on and on and on.

So this morning's visit is brought to you by F!#$! Guess who's retrieval has been moved up to this weekend instead of the end of next week, oh thats right, yours truly! So that has added to my insanity. $10k hasn't appeared in my bank account over night (yes, I checked, twice) and the assistant at Dr. DaVinci's office informed me that Dr. DaVinci thinks micro TESE is the best way to go. However she said there is only one version, the lady in the billing office told me there were two and I wasn't covered for the right one. I have freaking CPT code 55899 pre-authorized and medically eligible for benefits. They have the letter!

SO, I broke down and emailed the assistant back and told her "we's broke" and what else could we do. Then I got the brilliant idea to try and deal with my insurance company by myself. That work out amazingly. The woman, Doris, who is now my hero-told me that she didn't understand why the Dr.'s office wasn't billing the insurance company. That I should try calling them back, making sure they have the letter, and that with pre-auth it would be covered. Of course there is always the possibility that the "subject to change" and "not a guarantee of payment" fine print will come into play but Doris told me I was good to go and that it sounded like the Dr. office was holding out! This is the most amazing news I've heard in the last week!

So I'm waiting for the assistant to figure things out. I'm on pins and needles. I can't even be anxious about my retrieval because I'm fighting with the damn urologist office to bill insurance! Christ I have two insurance companies, one of them is bound of offer you something! 

The financial lady at the urologist office just called about my payment. I told her the bit about insurance and how the assistant is checking on things and she said she'll call her and found out what is going on. She said they had the pre-auth letter, so I don't know why they just won't bill the insurance company. I am so confused. The dogs are barking up a storm this morning and driving me crazy. They only like to bark when I'm on the phone. 

My RE sat and talked with me this morning before my u/s and seemed really relaxed. His whole demeanor was suggesting to not sweat it, that it will get sorted. I trust him unconditionally and I don't know why. He just told me to relax so I am trying. I am upset that he is off this weekend and I'll have the other doctor who's name I can't pronounce. I guess it won't matter because I'll be knocked out.  I have to find someone new to drive us home, assuming that DH is having something done. Maybe his swimmers will magically find their way the the light and all of this will have been for nothing other than to see how high my blood pressure can go. 

Breaking news whenever it feels like breaking!

Head Up

So DH and I are going to discuss tonight. Discuss our options, to finish the cycle or not. This is all so crazy and I have hit the wall. I can't describe this feeling, I don't know how everyone else deals with it. It kills me to know that we've come this far, I have a week of stims left, probably less! 

DH is beating himself up. I feel like crap. This is soo soo sooooooooo not fair. 

Why was I so naive to trust them? Oh yes, my excellent insurance-that supposedly won't cover dear Dr. DaVinci as she is one of around 60 doctors who does this procedure in the country. Her assistant who was very nice to me today, agreed to find time for her to call me. I don't know what I'll say, or how I'll not cry. I also have to talk to my nurse and doctor, depending on the outcome of our discussion with each other and DH's urologist, Dr. DaVinci. 

My head is clouded. I have run out of hope. I don't think it is going to get better, our luck has run out. I wish I could magically turn this cycle into a donor cycle, that would be easy money. Nurse called, e=1394-what a magnificent rise. So much so that I am down to half a vial of menopur- 37.5 units and 75 of gonal-F. All this for 10 eggs that I'll probably never get to use. 

How do you wait Emily? Teach me! I'd love to some tea now, I'll bring the cookies. 

U/s & b/w tomorrow, 7 a.m. and I'll be too nervous to talk with the good doctor.

Dying on the inside

So I now have three different offices calling me for payment for DH's surgery. That lovely pre-auth is garbage. Dr. DaVinci is going to be doing a "more highly specialized" form of microdissection which seems to me she just wants to play with all of her doctor toys at our expense. There were sperm present, granted only two, but we at least know that there is production. Why do I have to have the most expensive and uncovered procedure. I feel like they are out to get me. I know this is a crazy roller-coaster ride, but I think I want off now. After every other drop we always went back up, there was good news. Not so much now.

Dr.-$4000

OR-$4900(minimum est. because the lady had NO IDEA what to charge but surely wants her money)

Anesthesia-$1375

Cryo-preserving whatever is found-$1300(my guess from embryo storage fees-I couldn't hold it together long enough to call)

Bad news- Self-pay

Worse news- My "back-up" credit card for IF emergencies was just canceled because I didn't use it for a year. How kind of them to handle my business for me.

Worse-er news- We were declined for the medical credit card. No surprise, the economy sucks and we just bought two new cars! 

Worse-er-er news- To pay for this all we'll max out our two credit cards and dip into our revolving loan.

Good news!-I'm still looking for some

There is always the possibility that he won't even need this surgery. I don't think I could cross my fingers any tighter at this point. I'm just sitting here crying, wishing the money fairy would appear with a sack of cash and the dog whisperer. There is also the possibility that the insurance will cover the procedure after it is submitted, but the Dr.'s office has to submit and get paid before the OR and Anesthesia will attempt. 

This new improved surgery is going to take somewhere around 3 hours which upsets me because I know I'll be worked up on the day of retrieval and now I'll be alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired and sore and about to be really, really broke-all with no guarantee of a baby. :(

I emailed the Dr.'s assistant, who I am sure hates me by now. I basically beat around the bush saying we're poor and asked if the regular microdissection, which we have pre-auth for could be done with similar results. This is all happening in a week! I am so upset. So I'll wait to see what she say, if she bothers to respond. I feel like all of this should have been discussed in September when we last met, not a week before surgery. My only hopes now are that the $70 bottle of super vitamins and the estrogen inhibitors will have done there job and we won't need this surgery or, that in the event I've thrown $200 bucks down the drain on pills and potions that the insurance will magically cover everything and big refund checks will quickly be issued with sincere letters of apology! HA!

I just don't know what to do. I am so depressed. I know that we'll get most of the money we put out back in taxes, however that is our summer money as DH doesn't teach in the summer. He never has and I almost feel bad that he is now going to get a summer job (so he says). I just want to go back to bed and cry some more. I thought I was out of tears. I wish I had one of the wonderful families that come running to your aid that I read about in other blogs. I wish I could stop shaking, I am so upset. I can't even be happy about my eggs, cause they will probably go to waste. Eggs anyone? Free to good home!

I did see the other Dr. this morning-6 on the right, 4 large, 2 small and 4 on the left, 2 large, 2 small. That even has me depressed. I want off the train, but this is our only hope. However if it doesn't pan out I'm going to have to take a break and pay off the $15000 of credit card debt I will have accumulated before we go to donor IUI. 

DH just keeps apologizing for "not being normal" which is tearing my heart apart. We haven't told many people about the IVF because if it fails, DH won't have biological children-ever- and he would like to keep that on the DL. So I can't run to family and it's not like anyone would just have $10k sitting in the wallet for me. Time has run out and I've hit the wall. 

How do I pick up the pieces of my partially shattered life and go on with my day now? I'm sure I'm going to get my meds call in the middle of lecture like I do every week, where I'll excuse myself momentarily and write everything down only today I'll probably burst into tears because I no longer see the point. 

I keep going back to the twins. The set of twins, that will be born in February, that are still on the table-offered to us- without a fee. Some asked me to take their children, and I had to say no. DH wasn't comfortable. He doesn't want to adopt, period. He'd rather do donor IUI secretly to protect his manhood. I know things can go wrong, but I also know that this person is unmarried, with 4 kids already that she can't provide for. She begged me and I had to say no. That is hitting me so hard right now as this dream of IVF slips away. 

Sorry this is so long, and so negative. I think I'll go buy stock in Kleenex, I'm going to keep them in business this month. I want to go home.

Enough

I've had enough, just take my money! So the financial guru at DH's urologist office calls wanting $4,000 and since this was her third call in two weeks, she was willing to talk to me. She always insists on talking to DH even though he always refers to me, so we chat. She want to know how we are paying and if she can take that for me over the phone right now. We'll no, no you can't. I don't like parting with my cash and you haven't given me $4k worth of service or proven to me that I really need to paying you $4k at all! 

Enter side stage: pre-auth

Well what about the pre-authorization I had sent to you three times last week. Oh you did receive it and it means bubkiss? WHY? She proceeds to tell me that he is having a procedure that is slightly different from a microdissection testicular sperm extraction. OH REALLY? That's news to us! So she gives me info for carecredit and I agree to call her back tomorrow. I hastily email Dr. DaVinci's assistant inquiring-again-specifically what we are paying for, and what he is scheduled for. She quickly responded with:

Your husband is scheduled for a Microdissection Testicular sperm extraction, which is $4000.00 for Dr. DaVinci's fee. There is also a facility fee and anesthesia fee from the Women's Pavilion, but someone should have called you from there directly. If not, there number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. They may be able to bill for the anesthesia and facility fee - but check with them if they have not called you yet. But, the actual procedure by Dr. DaVinci is not covered. It is an unlisted code and is a self pay procedure. If you have any other questions if that does not make sense, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

So now I'm not sure what to do or how I feel. I have pre-authorization from my insurance that covers unlisted procedures and specifies microdissection. I think I'm giving in. I would really like to know why it is not covered when we have pre-authorization, why she couldn't be bothered to get the information from the woman's pavilion like she said she would last month, and why I have to pay-in advance- for a procedure that might not occur. I'm sure getting a refund will be just as fun, and partial no doubt. The only small break I get today and that too is filled with MFI and IVF which is synonymous with aggravation, disappointment and hope. Plus I grabbed my "dressy" jacket so I am not confused with a student, which has happened in the recent past, and just realized that the only food that was to enter my system today along with my money and beloved juice box are in my other coat. 

Cue the pregnant chick!

My last minutes of personal time just hit a downer with the arrival of the pregnant girl, complete with the belly rubbing and back stretching. :( Not to worry, I'll be rubbing my belly after menopur tonight, and my back will be killing me from being on my feet for about 14 hours today! Did I mention I am exhausted? That I got NO SLEEP thanks to the night sweats/hot flashs that came compliments of crazy, sudden rise in my E! Or maybe it was lupron, I dunno. And the puppy ate my shoe, gosh I am so whiney! Sorry. 

Sometimes I wonder if these is all worth the fight. I want to go home. 

This morning

I know this is normal, but I am exhausted. Beyond belief. It's horrible. Even worse, it's only Monday.

Today's schedule

• Shots at 5:30
  
• Shower
  
• Another 15 minutes of sleep
  
• Finished a paper- I love being a student
  
• Work at 8(Which should have been 6 but I got excited and moved it back thinking I would have monitoring this morning)
  
• Off at 2 to RACE to school
  
• Lunch break from 5-5:30
  
• Back to class at 5:30
  
• Leave class early at 6:30 to go to DH's winter concert and help
  
• Winter concert from 7:30-9(hopefully)
  
• Sneak to the back stage bathroom for shots at 9 while everyone is leaving(hopefully)
  
• Pack-up and re-load truck 9-9:30
  
• Find energy to drive the 45 minutes back home 10:15
  
• Walk and feed doggies 10:30-11
  
• Write up a quick paper and some pull up research 11-11:45
  
• Vitamins & BED 12!!!!
  
• Repeat starting at 5:30
  

Uhga uhga uhga! This whole light at the end of the tunnel business isn't working anymore! This week is going to suck with a full time job, IVF, DH's concerts-there are 3 and then life outside of all of that!

Yesterday a new nurse called me, I love the weekends! E=478! That's a jump and a half, guess the gonal-F really does work. It was 160 two days before. B/w & u/s Tuesday before work. I keep telling myself the count down is on. I scheduled my last vacation week for next week so I wouldn't be bothered with retrieval at work. I did take a restricted week and will probably never hear the end of it but oh well, me lift 50+lb. boxes now isn't working out I can only imagine how horrible it would be next week. T-6 days...

Tell me it's okay!

So after Friday nights shot, I got worried. I thought I did the wrong dose, but DH said no. Friday the nurse called while we were at the mall! So I wrote it down and left it on the table in the food court. So Friday we did 112.5 of gonal-F and 50 of menopur and I knew the menopur was correct. I called Saturday and then waited for the Dr. to call back but he wasn't in the office so he was no help. So I just did 112.5 again and off for our Saturday night date we went. Unlucky me was the recipient of 4 horrible shots that day, it was not DH's best shot-giving day and so now I have a scratch and more "freckles". This morning found out that I was indeed wrong for both days. It was suppose to be 75 units of gonal-F, and I almost cried. DH was there a had a look of horror on his face. 

"You have to listen to what your nurse tells you Mire-randa."-Dr. K.

I love his accent, he's so awesome and he did tell me that it turned out to be not so bad. Lucky me-additional bloating and swelling and eggs on a 97lb. frame! I will go back to writing on my hand. I do feel like an ass though. I was sad the whole way home, I feel like I've cursed myself. 

I didn't get a follie count, but there were alot! He only measured 14 or so of them and I was too upset over the meds to ask. He was his normal playful self though and I still got my fist-bump so I'm trying not to fret too much. 

In other depressing new, I re-worked my work schedule to have off for a Monday morning appointment that I now don't have. Moby, our massive carnie-fish, has a parasite hanging off of him. The cat was locked in the buffet for I don't know how long-without complaint! DH's concerts are this week, which involves me carting drugs around again and heavy lifting which will be fun with my tummy feeling so full and twingey. Head up though, I still have a week and a half left!

On My Own

So E2 was 90.7 today which she was please with, but it seems to low in comparison to everyone else. Gonal-F remained the same and they lowered my menopur to 50 units. For some reason I'm really bothered by that as it's only day 3 for stims, but I trust them. The shots went wonderfully, even if it was me, alone in the bathroom on the pot using the baby changing table as a counter. But only after having sterilized it with about 400 of the lovely little alcohol wipes! As a reward for my venture DH had bright orange Gerbera daisies and more Royal Dansk butter cookies waiting. What a fabulous life!

P.S.
I wrote in the cement, they erased, I waited till they left. I'm a rebel!

Concrete

To vandalize or not? After the county took the last six months to upgrade the gas lines and mains in our immediate neighborhood they are finally replacing the sidewalks and fixing the streets. So I of course would like to go stick something in the wet cement to last forever. But what? I'm such a 5 year old. I feel like if they are my responsibility I have the right.
Blood work this morning was a breeze, even if the hospital had no water! I was greeted by a river of water from a broken water main flowing out the main entrance. Just waiting for a call from the "other" nurse cause mine is off today. Last night we realized that with DH busy at school and me having to take the late shift to make early appts, I'll have to give myself my shots--EKK! Cool, calm and collected, hopefully I won't cry! More importantly hopefully no one will "catch" me and I'll have to explain my life story-which will make me cry.
Hope all is well for everyone. Off to admire the fresh concrete.

Welcome to IVF-Check PLEASE

After being stuck on the never ending Baltimore beltway behind a line of unmoving traffic I made it to the exit at 8:02 a.m.. Some ass didn't realize all the frost on the trees and grass near the road was probably ON THE ROAD TOO and spun out blocking the right lane of traffic up for about 2 miles. I made to the parking lot at 8:07 where, being as ass, I didn't realized that the top level of the painted parking lot was probably covered in the same frost that was on the trees and grass. What an ASS! So I slid and almost kissed the wall. Thank you Subaru for AWD! I made it for my 8 o'clock appointment at 8:13, however their clock read 8:06 so I went with that!

As the last patient of the morning, my lovely Chilean doctor reminded me I was the last patient starting stims! I'll have the office all to myself practically! We made it in by the skin of our teeth thanks to the urology department only doing micro TESE 4 times a year, one of which was the third week of December! I almost feel guilty for bursting everyone's holiday bubble but they are all so nice. No good morning fist bump today though, I was a little depressed. The nurse giving me my injection class told me to go check out and she'd come and get me, no big deal-I was an hour early so thanks Aleisha!

HOWEVER, upon checking out my new best friend Cindy (who always has snacks to share) informed me she'd be collecting my global fee today and that without the IUI cycle would not start. STOP! HOLD ON! BACK UP! I owe you $2200 today for the IUI cycle with donor sperm that is our back up plan if the IVF cycle we're doing now with DH's sperm doesn't work? Yes. It's true, the computer has me down for an IVF cycle, a donor IUI cycle, and a microdissection TESE! I could pull off IVF and IUI at the same time, I'm super woman-however as often as I brag about my balls, I really don't think a micro TESE will be successful! So I explained to dear, sweet Cindy that we are doing IVF and she agreed. It took a few tries to explain the IUI business in the even of failure(fingers crossed super tight for success!) and a call to our financial lady to explain the micro TESE, apparently my uterus wasn't enough proof! Everything sorted, no money due-time for class kiddies!

We go back and Aleisha asks where my husband is, and then asks if I do my shots. I of course said no because I can inflict a lot of pain to myself but a needle in my belly-sorry I have issues. Call me a wimp. I call it practice parenting for DH! So I lied and told her I mixed them. Pretty simple if you break it all down, and she agreed that this will probably be the only time in life I'l hate my "abs o' steel". We get through class, I leave with all my nifty diagrams and DVDs and head home only to get stopped at the gate without cash. I lost my $20. :( I am so horrible with cash, and they don't take credit so I'm being billed my $3 parking fee. She couldn't take my word I'd be back, or better yet let me through because apparently GBMC needs my $3 to pay the guy who stands at the ticket machine hitting and handing out tickets. It was a very bitter morning.

So my wonderful nurse calls to tell me everything is a go-shots tonight-OH JOY! MY E2 level was at 33 which is good. 112.5 of gonal-F and 1 vial of menopur. So tonight we mix and mingle with our new toys. After DH read the charts 3 times we head up to the torture room. He proceeds to read and follow along and all my interjections and suggestions are inconveniences to him so I let him uncap and re-cap and uncap. He gets his needles mixed up. It was cute. He doesn't seem to understand air bubbles, rather pockets, they just don't exist to him. I shot some of the menopur out of the needle-oops. Hopefully that won't hurt. I was curious as to why my doses were so low but I think I am happy about that. I should be I think. I'm not too sure. I know I am terrified of hyper-stimulation and with my age and lack of fertility problems there is a HUGE change of that. Lucky me gets extra close monitoring. I start going every morning on Saturday-good bye sleep!  

So it's all settled. We shot up and the world didn't end. All over. Worked up for nothing. I'm not a fan of menopur, neither is DH. We did however discover this new position and I am thrilled! Still in the belly, but I'm bent up with pillows-like the adjustable beds and it allows me to have some skin on the tummy! GLORY! I think I'll start making designs with all my holes, that should be entertaining! DH has replenished the Royal Dansk cookies as bribe for good shot behavior and although I'm trying to cut out all processed foods and ready-made junk, I have found no recipe or box of cookies at either of the Whole Foods to compare! Sometimes you have to give in! Milk and cookies for all!

Ramblings

"Out of the FRIGDE, out of the fridge you son of a bitch!" said DH.

There is a mosquito who has taken up residence in our fridge tonight. Lovely. 

Dear Orion, our almost 5 year old Weim, is hobbling around, his hips are acting up. Kenton the puppy is bouncing all around not knowing how to handle O. My wonderful father-in-law dropped by last night to give me the annual poinsettia. The poinsettia tha

t every year I find a new way to kill. Maybe it will last to christmas. The dining room table will never be clear. This pile of mail will never end. The mail man really should learn my name and save himself some trouble by sorting out everyone who doesn't live here. He's just going to pick it back up tomorrow. There was hail today, but no snow. Everyone seems to have had wonderful RE appointments today and I trying to keep my mind on everything but! Does it show?

It's not so much that I'm nervous, well I guess I am-who doesn't love a cooter cam ride? I don't want to forget anything, or forget my questions. Writing them down won't help because they will inevitably be left in the car. I'm worried that I haven't bleed since I stopped BCP Saturday and that that will be an issue. I don't need anymore loops in this coaster! I have to sort things out with DH's doctor and the urology center. Oh what fun! 

Does anyone have any experience with microdissection TESE? More specifically with insurance pre-auth and the Dr's office repeatedly saying it isn't covered? I have pre-auth! I have good insurance! Listen to me! I don't want to give you $7930! I certainly don't think the small amount of time Dr. DaVinci will spend "operating" is worth $4000 but who am I? Oh! Another question, is the Dr's professional fee in the total fee or on top of that? No one will give me a straight answer. Baltimore's top doctor my ass! I don't care if she ran Hopkins urology she's making my life hell! Ugh...

Tomorrow is the real beginning! Hello! I'll be alone, and the master mixer will miss his lesson. Not that it's terribly complicated I know, I just tend to leave some things to him. Tonight my mission is to hydrate, I'm really dehydrated and I am blaming lupron. That the only side effect I have, if that is even a side effect. So I leave tonight anxious about tomorrow, anxious about being alone, and anxious O will tumble down the stairs and break something in his fragile state. But at least I have pretty flowers!

Thanksgiving

A little late but better than never...

As we strolled our home, meaning our home away from home (at least for the time being), we spoke of family, of growing family, and anticipated changes. It was different to be away from the chaos that is a typical family dinner, but who can turn down the beach and Cracker Barrel? I was reminded of just how wonderful my husband is after he ran into the surf to fetch me the "perfect" rock-just because. The outside temperature being in the 40's and the water being far colder was no deterrent for him-what's a little case of pneumonia? I silently contemplated that which I am thankful for and was reminded that I should openly express these things from a recent comment. 

I am thankful for:

1. Having received a "diagnosis" that has enabled us to move forward in our quest of Hoberts.
2. Having successfully rumbled with insurance companies and doctors to receive excellent benefits and care.
3. A loving husband who doesn't mind jabbing my tummy at 5:30 every morning (and who will stop mid-sentence to run into the surf for perfect rocks).
4. Living comfortably and everything entailed in my daily life.

However in viewing our IF as a blessing in disguise and being reminded that IVF is our only chance the reality sunk in. This is it. It will work or it won't. If there are no swimmers, they aren't going to magically appear later, there really is no second route here. Of course in everything there is humor and it reminds me of the shade of pale DH turned when the words microdissection TESE left dear urologist's, Dr. Da Vinci, lips. What a wonderful color that would make for a nursery! I wonder if all the faxing, calling and pestering will be worth it in the end, all we have is hope now. 

Tonight marks the last day of BCP, this morning was day 7 for lovely Lupron. I gathered the courage from somewhere I was unaware existed and watched DH draw up the goods. BINGO! Found the sting! Guess who has been swabbing the needle? However I'm so grateful that he is doing this and he was so so SO nervous to do it that I couldn't correct him. I did inquire about the swabbing and he casual passed it off as "in the directions"-which it isn't. Guess guys really don't look at the directions! I'll just suck it up, two seconds of sting is nothing compared to the itch! Tuesday starts stimming, on the road we are now! U/S and blood at 8 and then class at 9. DH will be stuck at school, with concert season coming he can't part with the kiddies. It is weird going alone, but at least it will spare us "the look". The "Are they a couple?" look. To which I shoot back the look of "Are you jealous of my young, health eggs? We are all here for the same reason, ass!" But anywho....I'm a little anxious. Three shots a day are a bit much for those who lack a grab-able tummy! Every video and instruction we've read says to grab the tummy, well what about those of us with ABS? Yes, this is my bruised belly talking! Apparently it is sinful to wish for some poundage which this 5' 2" could desperately use. But enough whining, I'm here for some Hoberts!