In a Flash

....we were in and out. I have gotten myself in the habit of getting ready early because I'm afraid of running late now that the girls are tagging along. I carried the car seats instead of using the stroller because the elevators are always packed and the office is usually busy and has narrow halls and zero maneuvering room for my gigantic stroller. Of course I get there 25 minutes early and there is NO ONE! Not once in the months I've been going to this office have I walked on to the elevator alone and without a wait, nor has the waiting room been empty and quiet! As I'm struggling to push the door open with my butt my Dr.'s assistant is right there and grabs a car seat and tells me to go to her office while telling me I'm crazy for coming out with them on my own. The person she came out to get, the only other lady whose appointment was defiantly before mine, was told to go to the smaller waiting room. She must hate me. I'm 111 according to their scale and I'm quite happy with that. BP good and off to an exam room. Before I could even undress my wonderful doctor comes in looking for babies! She shushs me out of the way to undress while she fusses over the girls. Quick pap and I'm in her office. We talk and say our goodbyes as she doesn't do GYN. I think I'll see her partner Dr. K who helped deliver me. She was nice. She confirmed that they were di/di twins and no matter how much the rest of the world thinks they look alike, they're not identical. She thinks they look alike and that once Claire picks up some more weight I'll see it. I doubt that.

I'm healed enough to go back to regular life-if I remember what that is. She insists I send her regular pictures and she was tickled that one was named Claire. I was back in the car before my scheduled appointment and the cherry on top was they weren't collecting for parking! My last baby related visit to the hospital was the fastest, easiest and cheapest!

As for earlier in the day, the girls and I finally picked up their room and went through all the stuff that came from the hospital. We ended up with 3 diaper bags to go through! Bottles were washed, I found the leak under the sink and gathered laundry/trash/recycling. Tonight I'll hopefully head out for some more vitamins and vacuum bags before starting on the basement and laundry tomorrow! What a great day! I just wish DH wasn't suffering from separation anxiety.

Today is the Day

We're home.

With no Daddy in sight!

So far....fussiness! I'm pumping and blogging and hoping that the fussiness dissapates before my appointment. I've learned in my first 6 weeks of parenting that there are cries you can console and cure and some that just need to run their course. Today our content baby, Miss Emma, started in a fuss and hasn't stopped. Food, fresh clothes and even a full diaper and she still isn't satisfied! I really don't want to be that mother in the waiting room who is oblivious to the fact her child is scream while she is reading her magazine! I hate those...

More to come

Thank you Coka-Cola

Today we took the girls home for their first visit. With our delicious pizza I had a soda. Then another on the ride home. After having not pumped all day I was bursting with milk so I collected and bottles were dished out. The babies, thankful to be back in a familiar environment, chugged! What happened next?

Milk + Caffeine = Fussiness

DH thinks I didn't consume enough to have an effect. But as I see it, the girls usually zonk out after eating and this feed they were MORE awake after eating and almost two hours later they are still wide eyed! I think the long car ride and being in the sun and heat would have worn them out so I feel the only explanation is the soda I consumed. The problem is after not pumping all day, I had a lot of milk. I don't want to feed them that milk through the night, I'll never sleep! I also don't want to feed them formula because they don't like it, don't drink it all and they had it during the day. AND I don't want to be up all night pumping to have enough for them both! Why must soda be so sweet and delicious??

Now they settle down and are sleeping....maybe they knew I was writing about them?!

First Trip Home 8/30~5 weeks

Half Day Review

I accomplished everything on my list minus the car seat switch-GO ME! I was also able to get extra laundry done which leaves bed sheets and diapers for today. Oh boy! My first time washing diapers, this should be fun. I'm terribly worried about stains-I know it's bound to happen with something that is designed to catch poop but I like the fresh, clean look.

Yesterday's doctor visit went well. Emma gained a pound in two weeks! She is now 5 lbs 15 oz. Claire gained 9 oz. in two weeks-the bare minimum. As a result half her feeds are now straight formula. Has anyone ever put straight, high calorie formula into a breast-fed baby? No so fun and VERY messy! I desperately need a better technique. Her little mouth is flooded by formula, even with a slow flow nipple. I haven't found a nipple that works very well with her. She really doesn't like it, nor does she like bring most of it back up. I'm not sure this is the way to go with her but I'll give it a try. I've noticed that she is more actively nursing and on the breast longer since this recent switch. I love how the doctor tried her best to not sound like she was telling me my milk was crap. I was still very hurt and upset none the less. Implying that I am too tired and not taking care of myself is not going to get you anywhere with me. I think I handling two girls very well. Sure I could eat more and I'm making a stronger effort now but I really think her argument of lacking nutrition is lacking some merit! How can I grow one baby big and one small? Thoughts? Maybe Claire is just small like me, which I am beginning to think. I see what my mother went through with me now. When I was young I was always under weight, as was my mother. I wonder why doctors can't look at the parents and entertain the thought that the child just might be petite? My mother finally made it out of children's clothes in her 30's after two kids!! Ok, enough ranting.

Today is another first, I'm taking the girls to visit their Daddy at work. I need to figure out a system to settle two dogs while I take two kids out to the car! The big issue will be going to the teacher store, I'm not sure if we'll get to that. I'm not sure how to handle two infant carriers in a tiny store with narrow aisle AND pick out and carry what I need! DH left this morning and won't be home till late tonight. While he is making his appearance at locker night I need to find something to get into around here. I love my babies but all this sleeping isn't very entertaining!

Time for diapers, clothes, shower, pumping and getting started with our day!

Half Day Trial

It's now 9:04 a.m. and I'm pumping. No one is stirring and I'm amazed. Every intention I had of staying up after the 6 a.m. feeding flew out the window because my darling Claire decided that sleeping was not necessary last night. Her screams were immediately silenced once I held her which was nice, however I had to continue to hold her. Emma had other adventures last night, her first night in cloth. I pulled out the diapers yesterday after her bath and I'm pretty sure there is no looking back now. Goodbye expensive Pam.pers! Although I secretly already miss you at 3 a.m.!

Today is an adventure for me too! My first day without DH. It's only a half a day, then a full day tomorrow. In the next three hours alone I plan to:

- Feed E & C twice

- Shower and dress myself and the girls

- Strip the beds

- Get some laundry done, hopefully two loads!

- Install the other car seat

- Pull together the diaper bag, complete with immunization books-ugh

We'll see how it goes....DH will be home in time to accompany us to the doctors for weight checks and our second Hep B. I'm so leery of vaccines :(

Feeding Babies

How hard is it to get up and feed babies? Apparently very as I find myself sleeping through feedings. The girls are suppose to eat every 3 hours or on demand, so I set my alarm clock for every 3 through the night. Only I never hear it and sleep through. I've convinced myself that maybe it's not me, it's the alarm not going off!

As much as I want to beat myself up over this and try desperately to fix the situation, I can't help but notice that the girls don't seem to mind to much anymore. The longest they've gone is an hour past and they still aren't up screaming. So maybe the doctors aren't always right and I should just go with the flow and embrace that extra hour of slumber?

Boobs and Milk

I've decided that boobs should be like oranges. Everyone hop into the way-back machine with me. Remember the orange juice commercials where they stuck a straw into the orange? That's what I want! Stick a straw in my boob and just drain out the milk. This pumping and nursing and pumping is killing me, and my back! I'm hoping to start working out some next week. I need more yoga in my life. It's so hard to get back on the bandwagon after being off for so long. My Wii made fun of me for my extended absence! I'm really hoping that some exercise will strengthen my back and core muscles and all this pain will leave.

I finally set up my 6 week postpartum. Monday the 31st at 4:15. Genius me wasn't thinking in Mommy mode so I made this appointment when no childcare was available. So my first day with DH back to work and I'll be making my first trip out with the girls alone!! I'm confident though. I'm actually pretty nervous about the appointment. I am worried that my pain isn't gone yet. I know it can linger and I'm still healing but I feel that I shouldn't be this sore still. Of course running back and forth to the hospital for two weeks after my surgery probably didn't help my healing. I'm also curious what she'll say about the numbness. I think what is most upsetting is the realization that I'm going back to work and life is changing yet again. I don't feel ready, but my bank account sure does! I'm only going back 3 days a week but I am really fretting about it. I'm worried about my milk production and hopefully will remember to discuss that with her. I can barely keep up with the girls needs now, how will manage being at work? I can't seem to get ahead. I'm not opposed to using formula, I'd just prefer that they get bm since they were preemies and need to catch up. (Plus the latest article I read said breastfed babies have high IQ's and I wouldn't mind raising little geniuses!)

I fed a very fussy Claire 2 hours ago and she is still out! What a miracle! Pumping now, then another feeding in an hour. A pumping session and BED for two wonderful hours!! I saw an old friend tonight at my aunt's house while we were visiting with the girls. She is due a few days after my due date. Seeing her huge belly made me kinda sad. I didn't make it as far as I would have liked. I'll never have a belly again. I absolutely loved being pregnant, but I love our girls more! It was all so worth it and I'm trying my best not to be too down. Is it greedy to want to do it all over again?

Mother of the Year

I'll just collect my award and be on my way. HA!

Today we went to pick up a swing. Something has to calm Claire down and swinging her in her car seat seemed to work. (Of course after said purchase she seems to be calmer and we haven't taken it out of the box yet!!) I unbuckled her and took her out of her car sear at the store, plopped her into a swing just to double check and it seemed to work!! SLEEP HERE I COME! I sticker her back in her car seat and then we pick up the box and headed out only after paying more than we expected because I'm a moron and just looked at the price listed beneath the box. Everyone knows things are never stocked properly! I was just so excited to have something that may soothe her cries and that plugs in vs. sucking down D batteries! Load everyone back into the car and off we ride into the sunset, after a quick stop by Ar.by's for some chow because who can resist curly fries after such an adventure.

Have you figured out what is missing?? I forgot a fairly important step! Buckling Claire back into the car seat. Yes, my darling little screamer was securely held into her seat for roughly 20 miles by a receive blanket! No wonder she was so quiet on the way home! Her little head had fallen over and she was resting comfortably, no straps to restrict her movement or rub against her tiny chin! I'm a horrible mother and I feel worse because I don't feel that bad. She survived, I survived, DH didn't go bananas on me. I feel bad for just going with the flow and accepting that things happen. This approach of live and learn seems very good but I can't help but think I'm not taking things seriously enough. Right now I'm going to blame everything on sleep deprivation! So tonight when I took the girls just down the street to visit my Aunt & Uncle, I made sure they were tightly strapped in, and giggled the seats in their bases for good measure.

So here is another picture of the daughter who has me wrapped around her finger modeling the dress I finished up today. Try as I may, I can never make things to fit them. Oh well, she'll grow.

Seeing two pictures of Claire in two days reminds me.....I have another daughter! Another daughter who I have significantly less interaction with. I need to remedy that quickly! I guess DH going back to work will solve that, I'll be all alone with two babies....oh boy! It's still all I've dreamed(minus the colic)!

Exactly What I Wanted

This is exactly what I wanted, this is all I ever wanted! How horrible to hear it thrown in my face-jokingly or not. Ugh! I wanted a family and thanks to you we have tow beautiful daughters and $5k in debt to show!

So yes, I'm starting to crack. Claire hasn't slept in two nights, make that has screamed her head off for no reason and has only slept when cuddled tightly to me for short periods of time. We were thinking colic but it might have just been an upset tummy after seeing her diaper this morning! WOW! She seems to be back to her old self now HOORAY! I find myself feeling very out of my skin which I'm blaming on the lack of sleep. I'm not willing to admit that there is something wrong with me yet! Some nights I find myself taking REALLY LONG bathroom breaks to escape my bedroom. I'm so sick of that room and I'm still stuck there it seems. Next time we're out I'm going to buy some batteries for my pump. Hopefully then I won't be so tied to my bed and can feel a little better.

This morning I was whining to DH about my lack of sleep (less than 2 hours) and he came back with this is what you wanted. I was able to get a little more sleep but that comment has been festering in my head all morning. I'm grateful for all that he does, and he does soooo much. He has completely taken over meals, bottle washing and laundry! It's not that I want more of him, although watching him blissfully sleep though screaming babies is wearing on me too. How does he do it? How does anyone do it!? I won't wake him though unless I truly need him, he needs his sleep too. I miss my sleep and am so thankful for him taking over the 9 o'clock feeds, even if he does them in our room and wakes me up! I don't know how I will cope when he goes back to work.

He is out with the girls right now, showing them to some friends of his. The house is so quiet. I should get up and start on the house but the energy is lacking. Maybe after a shower I can get going. I need to tidy and want to work on some baby clothes! I've started making some piece for the girls and so far I think they actually look like something I could take them out in! It amazes me what a yard of fabric can do! I'll have to post some pictures.

DH and I have a date tonight! I'm so excited! Hopefully I will be over my tantrum by then. Sounds like he is back with the girls, off to play house!

Leigh, here's your picture. It only has Claire wrapped up, she was too fussy to put Emma in too. I sent it from my phone, sorry the quality is so poor.

The Bar Is Open

I'm the bar, I never close.

Nurse, pump, pump. Nurse, pump, pump. Nurse, pump, pump.

The girls' doctor, Dr. B., asked yesterday what else I do and the more I think about it the more I realize I'm the 24 hour diner. Not that I have a problem with that mind you, but it would be so nice if Emma was a stronger nurser and I could skip all the pumping for her! My nips would be eternally grateful! I try my best to pump every two hours, nursing every three and on demand. I have discovered that nobody likes lefty. Lefty doesn't seem to produce as much milk and the let down is a lot more labored. Right produced double the amount with a quarter of the effort. So weird. Life is about the boobs now! I do make it a point to do other things though, so I feel accomplished and as if I'm contributing to the house. Wednesday I picked up around the house and last night I took a weedwacker to the back yard. Since I've been on bedrest and we've had the babies, the yard has fallen to the bottom of our to-do list. It wasn't a jungle but it needed some TLC. As a result I am covered in bug bites, including a lovely on in the middle of my forehead!

The girls' appointment yesterday went wonderfully. Claire weighed in a 4 lbs. 8 oz., up 4 oz. in the past week. However, Miss Emma took home the gold weighing in at 5 lbs! She gained 12 oz. this past week! I blame the formula. Seeing such a gap confirmed to me that I am not nursing Claire well enough so I've stepped up her on demand feed and the Dr. suggest that we offer her formula after nursing. Dr. B isn't concerned yet, Claire is gaining weight well enough and it just might be that Claire is a smaller girl and meant to be more petite. I am thinking this is probably the case, she will be petite like me. We share a lot I've discovered. We're both fussy and demanding, petite, sucks her thumb, and she even rubs her head against the mattress to put flip her ear over and smash it against her head as I did. So all that leads me to believe that Emma will take after her father. She is already quiet and content, happy to sleep her day away. Her and DH have their bottle bonding time which I feel bad trying to break up so she'll nurse. Oh well. We're off to my parents so the dogs can romp around and I can sew my homemade moby wrap-I'm really excited, it's so easy and makes carrying the twins a breeze!

No Babies In There!

So....I was at my parents today checking in on their home and dog. They picked the hottest week of the summer to go on vacation-lucky them! While I'm in the bathroom I see the scale and couldn't hold myself back, especially after I promised to post a belly pic today! Mr. Scale told me that I've lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks doing absolutely nothing! I weighed in at 109 which means I have 14 lbs. to make my pre-pregnancy weight and 19 lbs. to make my pre-IVF weight! I didn't think it would be so easy. I have to admit I don't want it all to go though. I like the extra padding, it's nice not to be a stick! One of the perks of pregnancy is the addition of hips and thighs to my normally twiggish body! Hello new wardrobe! I tried on some of my pre-pregnancy pants and although the waist won't be much of an issue, getting them up to the waist is. I do however miss my abs. I'll have to research how to get them back, they seem to have vanished totally. I can't tighten my lower belly which I'm sure is totally normal. So without further ado...

So this is what a 36 week belly looks like-minus the babies ;)

Ewww...I just had to!

Guess what I just found....(warning, not suitable if you've recently eaten or plan on doing so in the near future)

This was taken two days after the c-section. With my still being quazi-drugged I thought maybe they left someone in! Don't you love the sexy granny panties? I should have taken pictures of my gorgeous corner room or all the bruising on the front of my stomach compliments of Claire being removed from her rib cage penthouse! I think tomorrow I will post another tummy picture complete with my post surgery body blues.

Sleepy Time

Sleepy time only exists in 2 hour intervals now, something I'm having a horrible time adjusting to. Such a hard time in fact that last night I only managed to rouse myself for one feeding at 2:30 a.m. because my dear Claire made her hunger heard! The other times I've simply slept through my alarm or have unconsciously picked up my phone to turn it off! Mother of the year right here!

Now I don't feel horrible-yet. DH was up and helped out, diaper duty and Emma's bottle. He was nice enough to let me wake up from the commotion instead of thrusting a baby in my sleeping face. This was just one night and I'm not letting it get to me. I didn't take my nap yesterday!! I did however drive myself to the grocery store. This was the first time in months that I had driven! It was a bit weird and I was terrified I was going to hit the neighbors car when I pulled out but I made it. By the time I was out of the neighborhood the sunroof was open and the radio on-just like old times. I was hellaciously cautious and driving at a near grandma appropriate speed but it was so nice to be out independently.

Once I was at the store I was stopped by virtually none of my co-workers. Whoever took my spot in the kitchen seemed to have everything under control. Being there made me realize two very important things. I am not vital to the survival of the company although I felt like I did everything under the sun and....I don't want to go back. I'm sure this is a new mom thing, but I'd rather be at home with the girls. I'm only going back 3 days a week for now and that just seems like a waste of time. I spent a good part of my shopping time and the 3 a.m. feeding really contemplating if I could avoid going back all together. I tried to find a way to survive on just one salary but this two car payments, mortgage, typical debt and pending IVF debt doesn't give us much wiggle room. I was contemplating selling a car because I've survived 5 months without driving or leaving the house and it would save us $100 on extra car seat bases! We could sell the house and move in with my in-laws or maybe just file for bankruptcy because I truly have everything I ever wanted anyhow. So there are really no solutions other than going back to work.

That train of thinking set off another of course. My degree. It's been a work in progress for way to many years now. I'm only a handful of classes away now but what is the sense in finishing if I don't want to work and the classes will tack on more debt?! That is out weighed by the fact that I have a need to have a really expensive piece of paper declaring my "smarts" to feel accomplished in life. I wonder what I will actually do with my degree other than argue with the history channel and travel shows the DH likes to watch. I guess only time will tell. I have more important things to focus on at the moment.

Pictures!! Emma

Emma is left alone :(

Emma's new bed.

Mommy and Emma, it scares me how much I look like my mother!

Daddy and Emma!

Emma getting rid of her NICU clothes to come home!!!

Pictures!!

Claire comes home!!Claire in her car seat.

Bath time Claire
Daddy and Claire
Claire leaving the hospital
The last picture of them together in the NICU.
Claire come home!

Emma's First Night

With Emma home Claire slept more soundly. Not so much rustling and noise as she slept which you would think would comfort me and let me sleep a little more but no. Three hours was my sleep total for the first night, only two hours consecutively. I'm obsessive. I kept checking on them, making sure they were in their spots, bundled tightly on their backs and breathing. After Claire came home they moved Emma down the hall with MacKenzie and in talking with her mother (who I have not the highest opinion of) I learned she lost a baby to SIDS which set me off in a panic. Ever since I've been checking the girls in the crib, car seat, even swaddled on the bed with me.

Today we had a doctor's appointment bright and early, the first ones in fact! Claire needs to gain more quickly but I think she is probably just taking after me. Both of them supposedly weigh 4lbs. 4 oz. but we're not buying those numbers. I doubt Emma gained 3 oz. in a day when it took Claire a week to gain 2 oz.! I also think that their lengths were off because they both have supposedly shrunk since birth. They both received their 2 week PKU's and were blood typed. HELL! Pure hell. DH took Emma out to another room while I dealt with Claire's part of the visit and I heard her scream! I felt so bad. Then it was Claire's turn and I had to witness the horror of my baby being milked for blood. It took everything I had not to tell that nurse to stop. She squeezed her for so long and so hard her hand cramped and she had to call in another nurse! Then she tells the other nurse that the new sticks don't work as well! So why did she use them on my babies?? So today's first was seeing Claire cry tears, not a fond memory.

In desperate need of food we stopped at Bobby Evans where everyone had to come see, ask and comment on the twins! Don't get me wrong, our girls or gorgeous and I love to hear it-just not with my mouth full of eggs! I am also well aware that they are "so tiny"; I did carry, deliver and am currently caring for them!! I will admit it is a nice reprieve from the odd and quizzical looks DH and I normally get from our age difference.

In other news our younger dog Kenton is finally warming up to the girls and acting like himself again. I am hoping the neighbor's girlfriend left him and that his "packing" today wasn't for vacation. Lastly, I've discovered that what I thought was a bruise is a stretch mark from the c-section. I go 33 weeks with no stretch marks and the section I didn't want left me with a scar AND a stretch mark! My thought is it came from all the digging they did to get to Claire. Oh well, hopefully it will fade or at least change color. Off to hopefully finish my wrap so I can start wearing babies!

Complete Set

EMMA IS HOME!

Rounds were hellaciously late today so we waited near the hospital and got lunch out with Claire. That being said it's now 4 p.m. and I haven't pumped in 12 hours-OUCH! No amount of nursing can fix this! More later.

Always Together

So the girl's social security cards came in the mail today. I was amazed that we received them so quickly. Mine didn't arrive as quickly after I changed my name. What was more interesting to me is that they are next to each other in the system, separated by only one number. Emma, born first, is before Claire as well. Of course my children will grow up to be fine, upstanding member of society but I can't help but think that having them together is very secure. Aren't you suppose to protect your SS number? What if Claire grows up and steal's Emma's identity? It wouldn't be that hard. She'll know all her personal information! I just needed something to ponder I guess.

Miss Emma was moved to a crib today during DH's morning visit. She's been maintaining her temp in the isolette so they've given her a second chance. As much as I want to be hopeful, I'm trying my best not to get my hopes up. I'm fearful that by the time I make it up there this evening that she'll be back in the isolette. Last night was really tough. She wouldn't nurse for me, but she gladly took a bottle from DH. I think I am jealous that he gets to see her more. I was really hurt and accepted that she might not nurse. She'll still get BM but it's not the same, at least not for me. I could make the effort to go see her more, but in doing so would lose time with Claire who is nursing. Of course Claire isn't allowed back in the NICU so I can't bring her along and tandem feed. I'm really fearful that we will have developed a strong bond with Claire and that Emma will fall to the wayside and not need us. That she will never have the same bond that Claire has with us. that will just be another pair of hands to feed and clothe her.

I need my baby home. Now. We need to be together as a family, always.