Walnut Brownie Celebration

So much for dieting right?

Tonight we had walnut brownies instead of the cake I planned to bake. Why a cake? Because the girls are a year old, as in year ago today sperm met egg. I know, how corny, but I think it's neat. I can tell you the exact day the girls were conceived, lets see a fertile do that!

But the mini celebration that has been raging through my head today reminded me of where we were this night last year, thinking that our cycle was a failure and that we would never have children. I have never, and I wonder if I ever will again, see my husband cry so hard and show such raw emotion. I remember trying to calm him, but how do you calm someone who has just had that news delivered? The silence in our house that night, the dread that filled our bedroom, my constant motion and over exertion to keep going and not deal with reality-it feels like it was just yesterday.

I drove us home, you know right after retrieval-HA!, put him to bed, fed him and ran out to get his drugs. Then I waited for him to sleep. I left him. I locked myself in the basement stairwell and tried so hard to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't give up hope. I was hoping for a miracle and that is exactly what I got. Two to be exact. I couldn't be any happier. I can't get enough sniffs, kisses or cuddles in. I even love dirty diapers, how sick is that? DH still carries around the lucky two dollar bill. I'm seriously thinking we'll frame it.

Today I just stared at them for a bit. I wondered how we got here, if I could remember each step, each person we met along the way. My weirdest thought today, which totally screams IVF-er, was wondering how many cells they are now. How silly is that? I'd definitely label them grade A! I feel bad, I sent word of their birth but never sent out the announcements. Holiday pictures will have to do!

Hopefully I'll get some pictures of the girls in front of the tree tomorrow. It took two days but we got it up and decorated. DH picked out a wonderful tree this year, it's full and dense. Did I mention he also picked out our ornament this year? It was raining Sunday morning and after dragging the girls in and out of the car a few times I was spent. He takes such great care of us! Oh, and Mr. Wonderful is also doing the christmas shopping for the girls! I hate stores, especially this time of year. He, however, is a great shopper. He can stay on task and knows all the out of the way places to find just what he needs! I don't know what I'd do without him. I did manage to make the girls stockings, and today I cut out fronts for matching night gowns. I dunno if I'll finish them. I'll leave you with some pictures of our weekend!

Mother called them grinch shoes, I called them elf boots. I'm really please with them. I was upset that I forgot to put in the loops to hang them, not that we hang our stockings!

Our ornament for 2009-we went with "family christmas" as our theme this year.

Our nap this afternoon. Look at how big my babies are! Claire is on top at 14lbs 3 oz and Emma is 13 lbs 8 oz! Jeeze!!

Claire's smashed ear. She did this all the time when she was first born, she would rub her head into the mattress just like I do! I didn't think they would still get stuck-I was wrong!

Hope everyone is have a good week. I think I'll make cookies tomorrow and finish putting out decorations. I figure if I finish before christmas I won't be a bad mom!

Are Multiples Sooo Horrible?

So we watched, everyone did. DH believes that Jon is just being negatively portrayed and that the directors are trying to portray Kate as a saint. She's not, I never said she was. I never said Jon was horrible, only that permanently leaving his kids made me think less of him and gave the impression that he was disconnecting himself from the family. Kate leaves for book tours and the like as DH pointed out, but she comes back. If Jon moves far away, as in the reported NY endeavor, there is no coming back. He'll turn into the weekend daddy, the holiday daddy, the "here's a late birthday card" daddy. It just really makes me sad. I don't think the kids are so much to blame as Kate tries to reiterate, I think it's her addiction to fame and fortune. But are multiples sooo horrible? Are they that devastating to a relationship?

The vast majority of statistics point to the higher divorce rate of parents of multiples, but I don't understand why. Especially in IF cases where just having a child was a difficult feat. When we went in for transfer and did both of our embies, I wasn't thinking "what if both of these stick and we can't handle it? What if we get divorced over this?" I was elated it worked!! We had a chance! When do you lose that frame of mind? When is the honeymoon over? How can anyone blame their children for their divorce?? I think it has to be a combination of the stresses of a large family that destroy the marriage. Money, resources, and parenting skills. When any of there run short, there would be an imbalance but it has nothing to do with the children that you worked so tirelessly to attain. 

As a result I'm convinced more than ever to have a plan for when the twins arrive. Even if the plan is tossed to the side or altered, and not because I don't think we'd make a great team. I just feel a pressing need to alleviate the stress of two infants as much as possible. Maybe I'm naive to think that it will never happen to us, and we're golden. I just feel that you should really know your partner before you take such a plunge. J & K had kids right after marriage, but DH and I have been together for 5 years and known each other much longer. I feel I know him well enough to predict how he will parent and handle the girls when they come, and I feel totally comfortable with what I foresee. 

Kate mentioned something about not wanting to do it alone and who can blame her? Eight children is a huge responsibility for two people. However after the show last night, DH just rolled over and assured me that he would never leave. That was all I needed, I knew he meant it. I think the show really got to him, as much as he hates watching. So I took a potty break, let out some tears, and went to bed knowing I have strong relationship that is ready for whatever two little babies can throw at us.

The Boot and Band Practice

DH is at band practice. It was so cute to see him walk around with his bass clarinet and new ligature. He was so excited.

He was excited after our ultrasound today too. I think he must have looked at the pics about 12 times before we left the office! After having spotting again on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday it was a real relief to see two happy babies! Both are measuring on time, is that what you say? Their heartbeats were 165 and 168. One even moved for us, I was so happy. I was truly convinced that today would only show us one baby. Not that I wouldn't have been happy with that, but you understand.

We were booted today. While we were waiting for our ultrasound, everyone filed in it seemed. We were all chatting and excited. I think that whenever there is success at a clinic they must have some real sense of pride and attachment. It was nice to have everyone there, to feel important. Of course I had no pants on so it was a little weird for me. We got the name of an OB/perinatologist so I can dump my OB/GYN. All of our paperwork was handed over, it was like graduation all over again. Being the last patients of the day, it was nice not to be rushed and I really felt the sincerity of their words. 

On the other hand, I am not ready to leave. I no longer have my Tina who I can e-mail and call for the most mundane things. There will be no Cindy to make me laugh and give me work slips, no casual Amy smiles. I don't know this new Dr. and although she came highly recommended, she's a stranger and we all know about stranger danger! Plus she is on the hospital OB board and I am afraid that I will pushed into a C-section. Wende told me that vaginal is always the goal, but how many 5'2", 97 lb. woman have given birth to twins without some sort of fight? Yes I have youth and health on my side, but I'm literally petrified of a C-section-of being pretty much lied to to get one. Terms like medically necessary and safety are so vague, tell me my baby is half dead and I'm game! I have this whole list of things I don't want, but I wonder how much control I will really have. I don't want to have to fight, or constantly switch OBs. I also don't know if I'll be able to really read someone in the first meeting. So now I have all this to ponder while DH is off tooting his horn. I'm going back to laying down and trying to keep something in my system. 

Today is the beginning of week 9, our walnuts have become strawberries and are giving me a fit today! Pictures later-hopefully. 

Strange Euphoria

Ultrasound Day.

Drove to school, picked up DH with the lucky $2 bill, drove to clinic.

Signed in.

Waited.

Called back to room #2, off with the pants-because I no longer have modesty.

In comes Wende-the PA or whatever her title is. She's neat.

Everyone was really happy and upbeat, I however (and DH too probably) was full of nervous energy. 

Then we cut to the chase-in with the cooter cam and BAM! Instantly two sacs are visible. Inside both we see tiny little fetuses. On one we see the flicker of a heartbeat, the other is on the side wall and was hard to see, so he has been named Houdini. They measured correctly, just under 6 weeks but Wende said they weren't very accurate cause of their positioning and not to worry. Three pics and then we were out. Back next Thursday for more.

I can't describe my feelings. It is a strange feeling, very disconnected. I'm beyond excited or thrilled. The power of two! This means that the two sperm, that made the two embies, that both implanted leave two babies!

We are hopeful that both will make it and that we'll deliver a health set of twins in August. However we have decided not to announce that we saw twins to err on the side of caution. This does mean I can scream from the mountain tops that we are prego, something I really should tell my parents. Soon.

Maybe tonight we can go out and browse... hopefully I'll think up a way to get a clear picture up. 

What has 2008 done for me?

We started 2008-unmarried, knowing I was perfectly fertile after 2 years of trying, and excited for the arrival of a new puppy. February brought the 0 sperm count and me watching DH lose all sense of masculinity. March was a fog of IF depression that had lingered on and off for months and a birthday I can't recall. April was the first RE visit, which offered little new information on the IF front and a referral to the urologist-Dr. DaVinci. IVF-ICSI was our only choice for bio-babies which really depressed me. IVF was something I wanted no part of. It was also there that dear Dr. Katz strongly suggested I put down my warrior woman ways and get married to save the $$$. It also brought fear the DH would crumble and not follow through. May is a distant memory of DH's urologist visit, his panicking and calling for information that he couldn't recall but that I couldn't forget. June was our Not-Wedding Wedding on the beach and the exciting news that the urologist was joining our RE's office! July was the month that Dr. DaVinci took off to film and do media tours while "moving" to the new office. It mean everything was getting pushed further back. August I called back to the urologist to make an appointment to magically find that they had been accepting appointments earlier but that I would now have to wait till September. September was the urologist follow-up that left us with really expensive vitamins and booby pills! October was the set-up of our cycle by me begging unnecessarily to my RE after my nurse told me no December cycles. November we skittishly began injectables. December was the fun of stimming, daily monitoring, insane E2 levels, retrieval, microTESE, OHSS, NO SPERM, lucky two sperm=lucky two embryos, disgusting prometrium, and finally the mythical BFP. 

Going out with a bang-HELL YEAH! This marks the end of a three year struggle,  the beginning of a new life, and the true strength of our relationship. I can't help but feel guilt, as though it's all been handed to me. I am truly grateful for that which we have accomplished together. I hope 2009 treats us, as well as all of you, very kindly. 

3 and 4

We now have a 3 and a 4 cell, both eggs divided and are growing normally. When I got the call this morning I almost didn't let myself answer for fear of bad news! But I'm thrilled. I was of course balling so I had to text DH who was equally excited. Tomorrow is transfer, 8 a.m.. 

I'm shaking from all the emotions, from the anxiety. I know that if we don't get pregnant, there is no back up or plan B. I know I'll blame myself, I feel like I am bringing them home and it's my job to make them implant and grow. For once I am so thankful for my youth and my hellaciously thick lining. I remember the last time it was measured they brought the nurses in to look because it was "classic" and I felt proud. 

So today I'll get my pineapple, some meals together in advance. DH went back to work today, waddling. He didn't want to miss too much time at school and I am pretty sure he is just going to drop me off at home and go back to work after our transfer. I understand but it does make me a little sad. Hopefully this will all work out and he can wait on me hand and foot when I am on bed rest with twins! Or quads as everyone likes to tease because twins run in the family and it would be me that would have them! I can't imagine one on my tiny frame, I wonder how I would handle more...This estradoil can really settle down anytime now, I would love for my emotions to be somewhat predictable!

Lucky 2 Dollar Bill

ER and micro-TESE yesterday. 

I arrived a ball of nerves, so much so that the nurse that took me back gave me a big hug and held me all the way back to the pre-op room. ER was over in a flash and I felt fine. Then I sat with DH till he went back, boy was he antsy. Dr. DaVinci, who DH has renames Dr. D and the IT(inadequate testis)  recovery team, met with us and then he was walked back and half an hour late he would like everyone to know. 

I knew the surgery could take up to three hours, she explained that she goes till she finds something or has done enough damage. The longer it took, the more upset I got. It meant she wasn't finding anything. But I held it together. Two hours and a half hours later she comes to talk to me with her big DaVinci veneer smile to tell me that they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one single sperm. She patted me on my back, said she was sorry and that she was sure she would find something. Then she left. I had another thirty minutes to kill before I could go back to see him. I was numb. I decided to called my mother-in-law who has to be the sweetest, warmest old lady ever. Although she doesn't know the full picture, she knew he was going in and asked that I call. I went to the bathroom and called. I just told her he was fine, that he was waking up and I would see him soon. I feel like I lied, but I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that her son would never produce biological children. If DH doesn't want anyone to know, then I would be fine with that. 

I got to see him finally, they didn't give me his post-op room number but I could follow the sobs. For a man who has cried twice in 8 years, this was a production I've never experienced. I don't know how I kept it together. I didn't cry. I held him, in his drug induced state as he cursed the world and repeatedly asked why not one. His heart rate and bp were crazy so he had to settle down before we could leave. 

After we left he didn't cry, he hasn't cried since. I think the sedation helped him let is guard down. He/We need time to heal. I drove us home and killed myself going back out for his prescriptions and his precious pepsi. I really wore myself down yesterday, I felt so bad for him and for us. I'm in so much pain, hyper-stimulation sucks. They retrieved 19 eggs. My abdomen is bloated beyond belief and simply rolling, walking and even pee-ing is a huge and painful task. Now that he is clear headed I get to hear him yelling at me to take it easy.

So it was over, done. The end of our IVF struggles.

Until this morning.

They found two. Two swimmers that had the strength of mikey phelps, that fertilized two eggs and are growing. We have two. So now we sit and hope that they keep growing. I get to catch up on my meds and hope that they make it till Thursday. Just hope and clench our lucky two dollar bill.