Wanna See A White Boy Jump?

Then watch as his pregnant wife is knocked into the street!

I shouldn't laugh, it really had the potential for disaster. We were walking the dogs, I had slow and faithful and DH had Mr. Energy himself. I was walking street side, he fence side. We came to a big privacy fence and our little ball of energy Kenton walked right up to the dog barking behind the fence. Well this upset the big scary dog who charged the fence and sent all 70 pounds Kenton flying back, into me! Bam, I flew into the street. While trying to collect my pride and not cry over my scrapped up palm, DH is nearly screaming my name on this very quite, tree-lined street. Of course today my shoulder and hip are sore, but I'm glad I can look back and laugh! 

Yesterday I celebrated St. Patrick's day with some Italian food, I'm a German girl so I guess it really doesn't matter. No Guinness here... :( I did manage to finally call the insurance company to see why they have yet to cover DH's surgery. Turns out the Dr's office never sent in their paperwork! So I naturally called the Dr's office and they claim to have never received paperwork! So I threw my hands up and went shopping. I'll tackle that tomorrow. Today I have work, a major headache, and need to get myself all geared up and worried for the Dr's tomorrow. It's so weird to have gone an entire month without an office visit, a call, new meds, a ultrasound or b/w. I feel relatively normal, and that is very strange! However I'm concerned about all the cramping I've been having, the constant headaches and the sex of the babies. I'm also worried about my sex life and my cribs coming back in stock but I don't think she can fix either of those!

Better out than in

Going to the urologist with your husband is always so fun. Some woman who is prettier, more educated and makes far more money is fondling your husband while holding a conversation with you-so so weird. It was reassuring to know that everything is healing well and that she would be willing to do a mTESE again given our last results. Unfortunately it seems there is nothing we can do to improve the situation aside from diet and vitamins. I couldn't ask him to do it again anyhow even though the allure of multiple children is so high. I accept that this is most likely it for us which is why I am so worried over this pregnancy and wanting it to be perfect. 

So last nights numbers came 3 minutes late, which really set me off but I recovered well. Yesterday we were at 2549 which is good. We've moved down to the high end of normal and are no longer off the charts with our hCG which upsets me for some reason. I am suppose to be scheduling an ultrasound today for next week. 

Monday I will be 6 weeks. This ultrasound terrifies me. We should see a heart beat and I am so afraid we won't. So terrified in fact that I haven't called, and don't plan on it. Maybe tomorrow. I will most likely schedule it for next Friday, to push it off as much as possible. I am so nervous about this, I have to have a heartbeat. There is no back up, no plan B, no second chance. I am more worried now since my best friend reminded me of someone else who had a  blighted ovum. I can't communicate how worried I am and it worse because I'll be going alone. I desperately want DH to come along, but he won't sacrifice school and I guess I understand that. He has missed a lot of time thanks to all of this already. I wish I had someone to go with me. So now that I have made myself cry again over this, I think I'll go unload the dishwasher and take a hot shower. Something in life just aren't easy. 

Insurance

Checking my insurance company's site has become a daily ritual. I check to see what has been submitted, processed and covered. Obsessive-just a bit, understandably so though. Tonight DH's microTESE, well part of it anyhow, popped up. Of course it popped up stating it wasn't covered and I currently owe $3000 to the hospital. Now it did offer some crap about pending information, and that it would be processed later-however "them's just fightin' words" to me. My insurance company loves to use this pre-existing condition clause for everything, they once tried to deny me a pap smear over this. I have my pre-auth letter which I am hoping will save me. They haven't processed the Dr. DaVinci's fees yet either, so I'm holding out hope. Our initial estimate was around $10K, so if they don't cover it and I lose my appeal-and groveling doesn't work-we'll only be out $7K which is better than $10K but not ideal. 

Absolutely none of my monitoring, retrieval or visits have been submitted either. :( I guess I'm just anxious for tax time in hopes of recouping some costs. I'm sure we've met the percentage this year! 

On other fronts, I'm sleepy. REALLY SLEEPY. I suddenly can't get enough salt. I don't drink enough. DH has limited me to yoga and balance exercises only which is understandable, but I still feel confined. Tuesday is Beta #3, which since it is a day later than she wanted me to come in should show off the chart numbers. Keeping my secret is getting harder, yet I don't really want anyone to know. I feel bad about not telling my mother yet, but not being close to her really leaves me lacking the right words. I'm sure it will come to me soon. If not the internet worked fine before...LOL. Hopefully these weird dreams will settle so I can get some sleep tonight and be ready for work tomorrow!

What has 2008 done for me?

We started 2008-unmarried, knowing I was perfectly fertile after 2 years of trying, and excited for the arrival of a new puppy. February brought the 0 sperm count and me watching DH lose all sense of masculinity. March was a fog of IF depression that had lingered on and off for months and a birthday I can't recall. April was the first RE visit, which offered little new information on the IF front and a referral to the urologist-Dr. DaVinci. IVF-ICSI was our only choice for bio-babies which really depressed me. IVF was something I wanted no part of. It was also there that dear Dr. Katz strongly suggested I put down my warrior woman ways and get married to save the $$$. It also brought fear the DH would crumble and not follow through. May is a distant memory of DH's urologist visit, his panicking and calling for information that he couldn't recall but that I couldn't forget. June was our Not-Wedding Wedding on the beach and the exciting news that the urologist was joining our RE's office! July was the month that Dr. DaVinci took off to film and do media tours while "moving" to the new office. It mean everything was getting pushed further back. August I called back to the urologist to make an appointment to magically find that they had been accepting appointments earlier but that I would now have to wait till September. September was the urologist follow-up that left us with really expensive vitamins and booby pills! October was the set-up of our cycle by me begging unnecessarily to my RE after my nurse told me no December cycles. November we skittishly began injectables. December was the fun of stimming, daily monitoring, insane E2 levels, retrieval, microTESE, OHSS, NO SPERM, lucky two sperm=lucky two embryos, disgusting prometrium, and finally the mythical BFP. 

Going out with a bang-HELL YEAH! This marks the end of a three year struggle,  the beginning of a new life, and the true strength of our relationship. I can't help but feel guilt, as though it's all been handed to me. I am truly grateful for that which we have accomplished together. I hope 2009 treats us, as well as all of you, very kindly. 

Lucky 2 Dollar Bill

ER and micro-TESE yesterday. 

I arrived a ball of nerves, so much so that the nurse that took me back gave me a big hug and held me all the way back to the pre-op room. ER was over in a flash and I felt fine. Then I sat with DH till he went back, boy was he antsy. Dr. DaVinci, who DH has renames Dr. D and the IT(inadequate testis)  recovery team, met with us and then he was walked back and half an hour late he would like everyone to know. 

I knew the surgery could take up to three hours, she explained that she goes till she finds something or has done enough damage. The longer it took, the more upset I got. It meant she wasn't finding anything. But I held it together. Two hours and a half hours later she comes to talk to me with her big DaVinci veneer smile to tell me that they found nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not one single sperm. She patted me on my back, said she was sorry and that she was sure she would find something. Then she left. I had another thirty minutes to kill before I could go back to see him. I was numb. I decided to called my mother-in-law who has to be the sweetest, warmest old lady ever. Although she doesn't know the full picture, she knew he was going in and asked that I call. I went to the bathroom and called. I just told her he was fine, that he was waking up and I would see him soon. I feel like I lied, but I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that her son would never produce biological children. If DH doesn't want anyone to know, then I would be fine with that. 

I got to see him finally, they didn't give me his post-op room number but I could follow the sobs. For a man who has cried twice in 8 years, this was a production I've never experienced. I don't know how I kept it together. I didn't cry. I held him, in his drug induced state as he cursed the world and repeatedly asked why not one. His heart rate and bp were crazy so he had to settle down before we could leave. 

After we left he didn't cry, he hasn't cried since. I think the sedation helped him let is guard down. He/We need time to heal. I drove us home and killed myself going back out for his prescriptions and his precious pepsi. I really wore myself down yesterday, I felt so bad for him and for us. I'm in so much pain, hyper-stimulation sucks. They retrieved 19 eggs. My abdomen is bloated beyond belief and simply rolling, walking and even pee-ing is a huge and painful task. Now that he is clear headed I get to hear him yelling at me to take it easy.

So it was over, done. The end of our IVF struggles.

Until this morning.

They found two. Two swimmers that had the strength of mikey phelps, that fertilized two eggs and are growing. We have two. So now we sit and hope that they keep growing. I get to catch up on my meds and hope that they make it till Thursday. Just hope and clench our lucky two dollar bill. 

Happy Trigger Day

Happy trigger day, happy trigger day. May your bel-ly, be full of, ovidrel to-night!

Finally, it time for trigger. Only three days late, but only my belly has been marking the time. My estradoil has been crazy, yesterday it was at 3655 so that called for no stims. Luckily the e came down some because if it hadn't and it crested 5000, retrieval would have been pushed back again. I know I made it by the skin of my teeth! So at 10p.m. we'll trigger and then off for our Saturday night diner date!

DH is a basket case on the inside but trying his damnedest to not let it show. Surgery is scary, but at least we'll be in the same building on Monday. I am scheduled at 8 and he at 11:30 so he'll get all the support my drug-up body can give! I think it's hilarious he is more upset over having to wear a jock strap than the actual surgery. This is the same jock strap he has avoided buying for four day, instead coming home with boxer-briefs insisting they were the same! HA! I guess I know what I'll be doing tomorrow. 

I have tried my best to put everything out of my mind. It will all work out in the end. His SA yesterday showed nothing, so much for the $70 super vitamins. I am keeping hope the the micro TESE will bring us hundreds of happy, healthy swimmers. I am not being greedy and asking for the tens of millions that are "normal," I really only need one right? 

My nurse agreed this morning that work really wasn't the best idea today, and since I start vacation tomorrow we decided she should write me out. No arm twisting was necessary. DH and I napped and when out to attempt some shopping. Nothing was procured. We still have to finish up christmas shopping, get groceries to tide us over, find the perfect tree, not lose our minds...While we were out though, babies plagued us. They were every where! Everyone was pregnant, there were signs and billboards. My favorite was one that read "Have you been a father today?" to which DH slammed down the accelerator. No word were exchange between us but I know that he is about to break. Head up though.

I'm anxious and excited and worried about swimmers. However since everything was moved up, we are taking tomorrow off for ourselves to go "home". A day at the beach is just what we need to relax. Then some jock strap shopping....heads up, we're off for some Hoberts!

Nothing says x-mas like red oreos!

So I'm a blob with too many emotions to feel just one. Being the wonderful wife that I am I opted out of "real" grocery shopping for tons of snack to tide ferry us through retrieval and surgery. I'm responding so well to meds that last night I only did gonal-F which was so much of a welcomed surprise that I took a victory lap around the dining room table! One less jab means one less bruise!

Today I got the sit down with my nurse. She felt bad for me for responding so well, she doesn't know how I am handling all this since I am so small. Retrieval was Sunday or Monday which makes trigger tonight or tomorrow. Here's the catch. DH's urologist doesn't operate on Sundays! So his surgery is tentatively scheduled for Saturday morning if we trigger tonight, if not it will be Monday morning. Either way it will be a pain. Since when did the blue laws go back into effect? My RE said this morning that she'll do what I tell her but I'm not so sure. I'm really hoping for Monday. Monday would put us in the same building on campus. Saturday means he'll be in the general OR and I am afraid something may happen to the swimmers on their way back to the women's pavilion. My nurse thinks that there is a real possibility of us waiting till Monday because my estradiol was at 2750 yesterday, up from 1701 the day before, and has been rising exponentially. A day of no stims before trigger sounds nice!

No one seems to know what is going on with the insurance situation at the urologists office. Even the good doctor, Dr. DaVinci, has no clue about insurance. So I am still waiting. Waiting for everything.

Last night DH jokingly said he has the feeling he is just a test subject, but when I whole heartedly agreed I think he worried. My RE's office has never dealt with a micro TESE, so I am a little worried that thinks will get mixed up. 

***Urology calling***   

***Mail man delivering***   

***Dogs barking***  

 ***TEARS***

So he is still scheduled for tomorrow, but now the hospital is requiring an EKG. So he has to do an EKG, SA and b/w-right now. Or tomorrow at 6:30 but if we wait till tomorrow there might not be enough time...yadda yadda yadda. So when I just called him, I broke apart. It's so hard to schedule someone else's life. I didn't know if he could leave school, all week he said how hard it would be and now it looks like he is just rolling out. I still don't know when I'm triggering yet! This is spiraling out of control. I still have two more days of work before vacation, so should I call out? That pisses off the boss man who doesn't really know what is going on. 

 

Update #1

The assistant, who was super-duper nice to me, called to say that no one has a clue what is going on. However, dear Dr. DaVinci just won my heart by saying she'll do the procedure no matter what. We have been on the books forever, apparently that means something, and she had high hopes for us. She said she wasn't concerned about the money. How great would it be if this was some sort of holiday gift from her! Let not be ridiculous. Apparently in between the time this was scheduled in December and now codes have changed and other stuff has changed and everyone is lost on how to handle our case. When I asked how I would handle the woman's pavilion who wants $6k upfront or they'll cancel OR time, she said she'd handle it.

So I'm waiting for her to call back, I feel totally out of control yet happy that she has turned into my advocate. This is apparently beyond anyone grasp, so now I don't feel so stupid. I will miss going home this weekend, I really needed it.

F!%#&%*@&%!%&#@*!!!

This is not going as planned. Hurt, rage, anger, frustrations.....on and on and on.

So this morning's visit is brought to you by F!#$! Guess who's retrieval has been moved up to this weekend instead of the end of next week, oh thats right, yours truly! So that has added to my insanity. $10k hasn't appeared in my bank account over night (yes, I checked, twice) and the assistant at Dr. DaVinci's office informed me that Dr. DaVinci thinks micro TESE is the best way to go. However she said there is only one version, the lady in the billing office told me there were two and I wasn't covered for the right one. I have freaking CPT code 55899 pre-authorized and medically eligible for benefits. They have the letter!

SO, I broke down and emailed the assistant back and told her "we's broke" and what else could we do. Then I got the brilliant idea to try and deal with my insurance company by myself. That work out amazingly. The woman, Doris, who is now my hero-told me that she didn't understand why the Dr.'s office wasn't billing the insurance company. That I should try calling them back, making sure they have the letter, and that with pre-auth it would be covered. Of course there is always the possibility that the "subject to change" and "not a guarantee of payment" fine print will come into play but Doris told me I was good to go and that it sounded like the Dr. office was holding out! This is the most amazing news I've heard in the last week!

So I'm waiting for the assistant to figure things out. I'm on pins and needles. I can't even be anxious about my retrieval because I'm fighting with the damn urologist office to bill insurance! Christ I have two insurance companies, one of them is bound of offer you something! 

The financial lady at the urologist office just called about my payment. I told her the bit about insurance and how the assistant is checking on things and she said she'll call her and found out what is going on. She said they had the pre-auth letter, so I don't know why they just won't bill the insurance company. I am so confused. The dogs are barking up a storm this morning and driving me crazy. They only like to bark when I'm on the phone. 

My RE sat and talked with me this morning before my u/s and seemed really relaxed. His whole demeanor was suggesting to not sweat it, that it will get sorted. I trust him unconditionally and I don't know why. He just told me to relax so I am trying. I am upset that he is off this weekend and I'll have the other doctor who's name I can't pronounce. I guess it won't matter because I'll be knocked out.  I have to find someone new to drive us home, assuming that DH is having something done. Maybe his swimmers will magically find their way the the light and all of this will have been for nothing other than to see how high my blood pressure can go. 

Breaking news whenever it feels like breaking!

Dying on the inside

So I now have three different offices calling me for payment for DH's surgery. That lovely pre-auth is garbage. Dr. DaVinci is going to be doing a "more highly specialized" form of microdissection which seems to me she just wants to play with all of her doctor toys at our expense. There were sperm present, granted only two, but we at least know that there is production. Why do I have to have the most expensive and uncovered procedure. I feel like they are out to get me. I know this is a crazy roller-coaster ride, but I think I want off now. After every other drop we always went back up, there was good news. Not so much now.

Dr.-$4000

OR-$4900(minimum est. because the lady had NO IDEA what to charge but surely wants her money)

Anesthesia-$1375

Cryo-preserving whatever is found-$1300(my guess from embryo storage fees-I couldn't hold it together long enough to call)

Bad news- Self-pay

Worse news- My "back-up" credit card for IF emergencies was just canceled because I didn't use it for a year. How kind of them to handle my business for me.

Worse-er news- We were declined for the medical credit card. No surprise, the economy sucks and we just bought two new cars! 

Worse-er-er news- To pay for this all we'll max out our two credit cards and dip into our revolving loan.

Good news!-I'm still looking for some

There is always the possibility that he won't even need this surgery. I don't think I could cross my fingers any tighter at this point. I'm just sitting here crying, wishing the money fairy would appear with a sack of cash and the dog whisperer. There is also the possibility that the insurance will cover the procedure after it is submitted, but the Dr.'s office has to submit and get paid before the OR and Anesthesia will attempt. 

This new improved surgery is going to take somewhere around 3 hours which upsets me because I know I'll be worked up on the day of retrieval and now I'll be alone. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired and sore and about to be really, really broke-all with no guarantee of a baby. :(

I emailed the Dr.'s assistant, who I am sure hates me by now. I basically beat around the bush saying we're poor and asked if the regular microdissection, which we have pre-auth for could be done with similar results. This is all happening in a week! I am so upset. So I'll wait to see what she say, if she bothers to respond. I feel like all of this should have been discussed in September when we last met, not a week before surgery. My only hopes now are that the $70 bottle of super vitamins and the estrogen inhibitors will have done there job and we won't need this surgery or, that in the event I've thrown $200 bucks down the drain on pills and potions that the insurance will magically cover everything and big refund checks will quickly be issued with sincere letters of apology! HA!

I just don't know what to do. I am so depressed. I know that we'll get most of the money we put out back in taxes, however that is our summer money as DH doesn't teach in the summer. He never has and I almost feel bad that he is now going to get a summer job (so he says). I just want to go back to bed and cry some more. I thought I was out of tears. I wish I had one of the wonderful families that come running to your aid that I read about in other blogs. I wish I could stop shaking, I am so upset. I can't even be happy about my eggs, cause they will probably go to waste. Eggs anyone? Free to good home!

I did see the other Dr. this morning-6 on the right, 4 large, 2 small and 4 on the left, 2 large, 2 small. That even has me depressed. I want off the train, but this is our only hope. However if it doesn't pan out I'm going to have to take a break and pay off the $15000 of credit card debt I will have accumulated before we go to donor IUI. 

DH just keeps apologizing for "not being normal" which is tearing my heart apart. We haven't told many people about the IVF because if it fails, DH won't have biological children-ever- and he would like to keep that on the DL. So I can't run to family and it's not like anyone would just have $10k sitting in the wallet for me. Time has run out and I've hit the wall. 

How do I pick up the pieces of my partially shattered life and go on with my day now? I'm sure I'm going to get my meds call in the middle of lecture like I do every week, where I'll excuse myself momentarily and write everything down only today I'll probably burst into tears because I no longer see the point. 

I keep going back to the twins. The set of twins, that will be born in February, that are still on the table-offered to us- without a fee. Some asked me to take their children, and I had to say no. DH wasn't comfortable. He doesn't want to adopt, period. He'd rather do donor IUI secretly to protect his manhood. I know things can go wrong, but I also know that this person is unmarried, with 4 kids already that she can't provide for. She begged me and I had to say no. That is hitting me so hard right now as this dream of IVF slips away. 

Sorry this is so long, and so negative. I think I'll go buy stock in Kleenex, I'm going to keep them in business this month. I want to go home.