Walking Contradiction

Thats how I feel. I was willing to do anything to get pregnant. The meeting tomorrow to discuss our delivery and do everything in my power to avoid a c-section seems like such a contradiction. I'd do anything to get them in, but I'm suddenly pick about their exit? But how can I calm myself? Who wants surgery, especially surgery that could be viewed as unnecessary? Am I wrong for wanting my doc to not take the easy way out? If she flat out refuses anything other than a c-section should I just accept it and lay down my demands for a c-section and hope they are respected? When am I allowed to decided what is best for my children and I? Is it worth it to seek out another doctor this late in the game? One who will respect my wishes and agrees with my philosophies? I feel so unsettled. I really like my doctor. She is best, she came highly recommended and I trust her. I have allowed myself to get too worked up and now I am questioning my decision to trust in this woman before we've even talked. I'm so defensive and this is really the wrong foot to go in on.

I also feel that DH should be more involved. I want his opinion, however I want his opinion to reflect mine. Yes we both want what's best for the children, however he is of the mind to follow the experts. Last night I found myself wondering if I am granted a shot at a regular delivery, will he live up to my expectations in a labor partner? This is something we haven't planned nor prepared for. Will I have enough support? I'm sure he'll be great, I just wonder if it something he is prepared for and interested in doing.

Over lunch today he said he'd make sure all my wishes were carried out. It was nice to hear, but I wish 'we' had wishes for him to over see. I feel like he is leaving everything up to me and I just wish he had opinions to share. I don't want to push him away or have him feeling left out. He's not a bystander, why should he feel/act as one? Ugh. I'm so unsettled and nervous. I'm not sure how to approach this, or how I will handle not having my wishes taken into consideration if that is the case. I'm hopeful that presenting medically sound supporting evidence will help my case. I want her to know that I search medical documents and journals, not some tree-hugger book from the library by the great earth mother. I really hate this limbo I've put myself in.

On the upside we now have flowers and more trees in the nursery. The extra infant seat attachment arrived today and the awesome diaper bag shouldn't be far behind! We're still waiting for the second car seat which I have a feeling we'll be buying. I would feel horrible and ungrateful going to my cousin asking where it is, even if my aunt was suppose to buy it for her. Finishing baby blankets are on tap for tonight's entertainment. Here's to hoping tomorrow isn't a bust.

Overly Sensitive Much?

So apparently I am overly sensitive. I have been really hurt, like genuinely holding tears back at some of the things DH says. I know it's normal and I'm hormonal and blah blah blah, but it sucks. I feel like a monster! Pregnancy dominates everything, and I really enjoy him being so involved and concerned, but I hate being reminded that everything I say or complain about is referred to as being on course, or ahead of schedule according to "the book". 

I have felt better the last two days, prior to that I have had literally zero energy and been constantly sick. I feel bad because virtually every meal DH has made for me immediately exited, no matter how delicious it was or how much I really wanted it. I'm getting better at food choices and trying to eat more and graze all day to prevent the nausea from lingering. However work has become an issue. Due to the actions of one, me having to do a write up, the big guy is enforcing the rules-this means no eating. One day in and I'm dying. Eight hours is a long time, I only get a 30 minute break which I stretch out but am still not able to eat a full meal. The big boss man told me "go eat something" which I am taking as go ahead and keep eating, just don't be seen. So in less that 48 hours I made an enemy who will now watch me every move in effort to "catch me" and semi-lost my eating privileges. I wonder if I get a Dr's note stating I need to eat, if I could do so....? That would be nice. 

Today I called and set up our first OB appointment. DH has been going with me and I would like him to come to our first appointment with the new Dr. since I'm sure it will be long and overwhelming. This is a perinatologist so I am still concerned that there will be too much intervention and will have my guard up. I really don't want to doctor jump. The lady on the phone was very nice so I am hopeful. She did tell me that I was only 8 weeks along and I told her no, I was 9 weeks 4 days. I don't think she believed me, I guess she is used to IVF-know-it-alls and let it slide. Our appointment is Wednesday, Feb 18 which is problematic as I'm suppose to be working then so I'll have to work something out, I was really hoping for a Monday afternoon appointment but that was booked. I wanted to whine and state that I was having twins-that makes me twice as important LOL!