A message from facebook

Just a quick thanks to you, my reason for living, for enabling me to attend and perform at the convention today. You are my inspiration and I hope you realize just how much you mean to me and how much i cherish our life together. Have a great day and I will see you this afternoon/evening for lunch.

***Tear***

I have the best husband in the world. 

Me

I'm tired.

I'm severely anemic.

I don't eat enough.

I work too much.

I'm too stressed.

And the dog ate my peanut butter eggs!

Oh yeah.... I'm preggers too and can't stop obsessing. I'm sure this is all well and normal, but I am truly starting to freak out. Talking with my cousin today I found out that my dear mother is anticipating have a shower after the babies are born! WTF? 

Now mother and I don't have the best relationship, and I'm not the type of person that can just ask or demand things. So what am I to do? My cousin and aunts are collaborating to persuade her for me, I just hope it works. Who deliberately plans a shower for after the birth? My mother is insane. Twins woman! I need all the hand outs I can get! 

In other fronts I am worried over DH's job security. I'm slightly worried about my own. I can't help but selfishly dream of moving to the shore. I've even contemplated just how horrible it would be to just buy another house there and just let this one be foreclosed on. Foreclosure seems to be in style right now right? LOL. I think I just need a vacation...

....3 more WEEKS till we see the babies again! IVFer's are so spoiled!

So relaxed

I love how I always get myself all worked up. Everything looks great. I was watching like a hawk at every nuchal measurement she took, all were normal. Exactly what I expected. Thanks everyone for your support.

It did take me forever to find the place, I entered the wrong end of the hospital and it was this tiny, little office off a side hall way. The ultrasound took forever, of course one of the babies was not cooperating as usual. However, there are benefits to sharing your heart-breaking IVF story and chatting up the u/s tech-free 3-D!

And a 12 week, pre-shower belly shot. Yes. It is only week 12. I have a feeling I will soon tip over!!!

First Trimester Screening Blues

I feel like a basket case. I'm almost in tears over this screening today. I begging to leave work early and I came home to cry and drowned my pain with some chicken tenders. So after giving these babies there unhealthy dose of processed chicken product, I think I'll head up and shower, take a quick nap and then stand looking at all the clothes I have that don't fit.

I don't know why this screening has me all out of sorts. I am pretty much only doing it because it's another ultrasound and I love seeing them. I'm upset that I'm going alone and terrified of bad news. But there is more to it and I can't for the life of me figure it out. I'm literally making myself sick over this, it's so ridiculous. If it's bad news, its bad news. It's not like I'd abort the babies we've worked so hard to get. So then what is my problem? 

Scary new genetics center? 

Not knowing where exactly I'm going? 

Just the thought of going alone?

I'm so lost and scared right now. :(

The Weekend

I finally called and set up the first trimester screening with some horribly monotone woman. I am a bit anxious. I was really hoping DH would be able to follow along so he could see how big they've gotten and how much they move around. Oh well. Of course I've happen to schedule this test to coincide with a test at school. Ugh.

This weekend we've had a guest, DH's nephew. It's always weird having someone in your house. It's especially weird when you're trying to conceal a twin pregnancy. DH managed to hide all the books but one, and of course that gave us away we later found out. But all is well. 

So here I am listening to NPR, wishing I could finish more of my breakfast. Hoping to add more to our registry tonight and glad that it was a peaceful weekend. Upset I'll be heading to work soon and leaving my peaceful home for the craziness and undoubtedly chaotic atmosphere of the kitchen.

Oh you're 11 weeks?

Yes, yes I am 11 weeks and yes your receptionist is an ass. 

Today was my first visit with the perinatologist. Dr. W. Who I now love. However we're not in Kansas anymore. This was sooooo not like the clinic. I want to go back. My day started off with a semi-frantic call from the ultrasound lady asking me if I could come in early since the ass receptionist didn't schedule one for my appointment. So I get there, I pee in my cup. The most disgusting practice ever, just leave your pee-uncover-on the vanity and someone will get it.

Gross.  

I go to the special room, blah blah, take your pants off and I'll be back. The normal right. Well she came back and we were talking and she mentioned that I was 7.5 weeks. That is what the ass receptionist kept insisting when I called and what she recorded. She also neglected to record that I was a IVF-ICSI patient from the clinic who was pregnant with twins. So this poor woman had to go back and redo all my information. So while I laid there quietly with no pants and my tiny sheet, she say she can just do a regular ultrasound. Wow. My first jelly belly. That was weird. Baby A is always easily visible and today was like a twister. Baby B is always camera shy but was moving much than in the past. Ultimately we couldn't get a good picture of them together. We have all of baby A on it's side and a bird's eye view of baby B's head. 

Then it was paper work, paper work, some paper work. I was checked in by the assistant who is my new best friend. Her opening statement was I'm going to love watching your little body grow. Having not had sex in mumble mumble months, I was a bit turned on. I now weigh 101 lbs......with my galoshes on. Then it was time to actual meet the mythical Dr. W. Into her office I go, and decided she is fairly awesome. I love her approach. She is very real, and not too 'doctory' for even though she is a specialist. I love how she uses 'bad words', it makes her a real person. She used bad words when talking about the receptionist. I smiled and felt vindicated, we agreed that IVFer's are always on top of things. She indirectly called me obsessive to my face and I love it! After forever of chit-chat family history story swap time, it was time for an exam of the girly parts. Wow, my ovaries are still HUGE! So much so she didn't want to push too much, but I told her it was fine I'm used to it by now. Then it was back to the office for more talk time. I'm under-weight which places me at high risk for growth restriction-but no need to worry just yet. I haven't been eating and retaining fluids which has left me weak and dehydrate-but no need to worry just yet. My only way out of a c-section is two downward facing babies, no exceptions-but no need to worry just yet. I have low blood pressure-but again, no need to worry just yet. I'm glad I don't have any worrying to do just yet, although I'm sure it will hit me soon enough. I left with my scripts for blood and urine and a note for my boss saying I have to eat every two hours. 

I left feeling overwhelmed. I felt really alone, it was just the motions. I hope I'll make friends with her assistant, that way I can be more comfortable and maybe it will be more like the clinic. I'm staring at my new yellow folder, it's not like my old red folder and far less in depth with the information it provides. I have lots of samples. I have a little book incase I am too unorganized to remember my appointments or to stupid to know about the developing lives inside me. I have to schedule the first trimester testing tomorrow. The office that does them has apparently been backed up, so hopefully they can get me in next week. I'm just really down from this whole appointment. It's not like this on TV.

And now I will finally upload some pics.

Sniffle, sniffle, cough.

It's never comforting when DH starts a conversation with "are you emotionally stable enough to talk?" Cue the racing heart and sirens in my head! Of course I immediately thought the absolute worst. Maybe he is tired me and my pregnant not having sex self, maybe he now doesn't want a baby, is something wrong in the family and if so how did he find out before me?! Turns out he might not be accompanying me to our first OB appointment. OH, that's all. I'm not exactly thrilled to be going alone, but I'm sure I can manage. 

So now, through my sickness and exhaustion, I need to make a list of all my questions. ALL OF THEM! I want to know exactly where this Dr. stands, her thoughts and practices. I'm conducting an interview and I really don't have time for a dud. She is highly recommended and everything online says she is great and personable. So I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm sure me and my bump will be a-OK! I'm excited to actually hear some heartbeats!

After some email tag yesterday, I found out that I could stop taking my meds 6 weeks after transfer. No one bothered to tell me, and I felt like I was taking them longer than everyone else. I felt like an ass when she told me that, I wanted to ask her why she didn't tell me but I let it go. It did no harm and now I don't have to buy anymore panty liners! Hooray! I should have asked about cold medicine. There has to be something I can take for my nose. It would figure I would get sick just as the weather starts to warm. 

Sick

Hello cold, it's been a while. Thank you for attacking my body during the first trimester when I am already sick, tired and rundown! It's your typical nose and throat deal, but it's worse because I can't really do anything about it. Stupid colds. I am super dehydrated. Yesterday was a horrible day, nothing would stay down and now I have lips that feel as though they're made of paper!

I want nothing more than to stay home today, but I feel like such a wimp. I have missed more work since I've been prego than I have last year as a whole. I'm always leaving early, coming in late, it's really not me. I almost want to ask if I can drop to part time and take two days off a week. I openly hope that my new OB will think I work too much and write my schedule for me. I'm thinking 6 hour days, 4-5 days a week. HA! 

On another front, I think I finally am starting to feel pregnant. As in actually believe, admit, and admire that I am so. Before it was just a string of words that I recited. So now that it is real to me, I am getting scared I think. The idea of two is quite frightening. I should write to my new addiction in California and ask her how she "embraced" all those babies! I'll also ask her how much of my tax money is helping her out... LOL. 

I'm hoping week 10 will uneventful, that this cold will pass soon. We like to find out how big they are and refer to them as something similar. They've been walnuts, strawberries and now they are medium shrimp-however DH doesn't like shrimp so we are going with cheese doodles. Next week when they hit their "lime" state we'll be meeting our new OB and hopefully I won't be overwhelmed and cry. Now that I think about it, limes are a big jump from cheese doodles...

I can't resister her!

I can't. I see her and my blood boils! 

All she wanted was to have children, well honey thats what we all wanted. That why we, with our jobs and stable financial situations, settled homesteads and then patiently began our expensive journey towards parenthood! I didn't avoid work, divorce my husband and make my parents support me! 

I cannot wait to see her special with Ann Curry, I don't think my views are magically going to change and embrace her for all the hardship she's endured.

In other news, since I'm having twins should I hire a PR firm?

UGH THE NERVE!

Overly Sensitive Much?

So apparently I am overly sensitive. I have been really hurt, like genuinely holding tears back at some of the things DH says. I know it's normal and I'm hormonal and blah blah blah, but it sucks. I feel like a monster! Pregnancy dominates everything, and I really enjoy him being so involved and concerned, but I hate being reminded that everything I say or complain about is referred to as being on course, or ahead of schedule according to "the book". 

I have felt better the last two days, prior to that I have had literally zero energy and been constantly sick. I feel bad because virtually every meal DH has made for me immediately exited, no matter how delicious it was or how much I really wanted it. I'm getting better at food choices and trying to eat more and graze all day to prevent the nausea from lingering. However work has become an issue. Due to the actions of one, me having to do a write up, the big guy is enforcing the rules-this means no eating. One day in and I'm dying. Eight hours is a long time, I only get a 30 minute break which I stretch out but am still not able to eat a full meal. The big boss man told me "go eat something" which I am taking as go ahead and keep eating, just don't be seen. So in less that 48 hours I made an enemy who will now watch me every move in effort to "catch me" and semi-lost my eating privileges. I wonder if I get a Dr's note stating I need to eat, if I could do so....? That would be nice. 

Today I called and set up our first OB appointment. DH has been going with me and I would like him to come to our first appointment with the new Dr. since I'm sure it will be long and overwhelming. This is a perinatologist so I am still concerned that there will be too much intervention and will have my guard up. I really don't want to doctor jump. The lady on the phone was very nice so I am hopeful. She did tell me that I was only 8 weeks along and I told her no, I was 9 weeks 4 days. I don't think she believed me, I guess she is used to IVF-know-it-alls and let it slide. Our appointment is Wednesday, Feb 18 which is problematic as I'm suppose to be working then so I'll have to work something out, I was really hoping for a Monday afternoon appointment but that was booked. I wanted to whine and state that I was having twins-that makes me twice as important LOL! 

The Boot and Band Practice

DH is at band practice. It was so cute to see him walk around with his bass clarinet and new ligature. He was so excited.

He was excited after our ultrasound today too. I think he must have looked at the pics about 12 times before we left the office! After having spotting again on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday it was a real relief to see two happy babies! Both are measuring on time, is that what you say? Their heartbeats were 165 and 168. One even moved for us, I was so happy. I was truly convinced that today would only show us one baby. Not that I wouldn't have been happy with that, but you understand.

We were booted today. While we were waiting for our ultrasound, everyone filed in it seemed. We were all chatting and excited. I think that whenever there is success at a clinic they must have some real sense of pride and attachment. It was nice to have everyone there, to feel important. Of course I had no pants on so it was a little weird for me. We got the name of an OB/perinatologist so I can dump my OB/GYN. All of our paperwork was handed over, it was like graduation all over again. Being the last patients of the day, it was nice not to be rushed and I really felt the sincerity of their words. 

On the other hand, I am not ready to leave. I no longer have my Tina who I can e-mail and call for the most mundane things. There will be no Cindy to make me laugh and give me work slips, no casual Amy smiles. I don't know this new Dr. and although she came highly recommended, she's a stranger and we all know about stranger danger! Plus she is on the hospital OB board and I am afraid that I will pushed into a C-section. Wende told me that vaginal is always the goal, but how many 5'2", 97 lb. woman have given birth to twins without some sort of fight? Yes I have youth and health on my side, but I'm literally petrified of a C-section-of being pretty much lied to to get one. Terms like medically necessary and safety are so vague, tell me my baby is half dead and I'm game! I have this whole list of things I don't want, but I wonder how much control I will really have. I don't want to have to fight, or constantly switch OBs. I also don't know if I'll be able to really read someone in the first meeting. So now I have all this to ponder while DH is off tooting his horn. I'm going back to laying down and trying to keep something in my system. 

Today is the beginning of week 9, our walnuts have become strawberries and are giving me a fit today! Pictures later-hopefully.