I'm Failing at Pregnancy

That's how I currently feel. The office called yesterday to let me know that being HYPO-glycemic prior to pregnancy and taking fist fulls of iron during pregnancy, I failed my glucose test and still have very low iron. Fantastic. Now I have to schedule a 3-hour glucose test with more of the drink I despise. As for the iron, I'm not sure what else to do.

Gestational diabetes doesn't scare me, although changing my diet will probably break my spirit. It's bad enough being locked away in my bedroom-let me have my fruit and sweets! Part of me hopes I could skip diet changes and go straight to insulin, I've handled IVF! The more I analyze my diet, the more I fret. Lots of fruit, juice, cookies and ice cream. My trusty twin book  reminded me that things like ketchup, bbq, granola, honey mustard, and my beloved baked beans all have "hidden sugars" and that gestational diabetes is of course more common in multiple gestations-thanks girls! Now that I've been reflecting, I wonder if the twins weight gain as well as my own has been linked to this?! Everything I read seems to say that GD just makes bigger babies as they're overfed on my sugar. Is that such a bad thing with twins? I know they won't mature faster but a little meat is welcomed in my opinion. So in finding the humor DH was baffled to find out the GD as well as other diseases and ailments disappear after delivery. It made no sense to him! I already know I'm destine to get Type-2 later in life, gotta love genetics, so I'd just like to wait till then thanks!

The iron  has me more concerned. I've always been anemic and I'm not a fan of the beef regularly. I've been taken double iron daily and have incorporated beef and more iron rich foods so what's the deal? Vitamin deficiency? What scares me most is the possibility of a c-section and bleeding. I'm paranoid so transfusions are something I want if I'm 93% dead. I think the c-section poses unnecessary risk for bleeding for me and I should just deliver breech babies vaginally! But I'm willing, dreaming, hoping, and DEMANDING they turn head down and stay so hopefully this will just be another episode of me over reacting and expecting the worst.

In other news, mother is visiting Thursday. She is bringing me a trash can and I'm SO EXCITED! This mean I should really get a graduation card for the chosen child. DH is done with school on Friday-hooray! This leaves me all summer to have 'honey-do' lists completed! Last night I was like a small child who was seeing hail for the first time. It was a nasty storm and I was really waiting for one of the neighbor's big trees to fall on one of our cars AGAIN but no luck. I was planning a big production of waddling my fat self over to her front door and throwing a hissy fit! I really should have DH go over the cars for damages, perhaps tonight. Off to lay around like a lump and contemplate calling for my next round of tests.

Its Sunny

It will remain sunny. I was reminded today of what horrible odds we've over come. We shouldn't have biological children, nature didn't intend for that. However two sperm left us with two embabies, which both stuck around leaving us with twins! All thanks to the two dollar bill of course! I think I might frame it. I went back today a read my old blogs, reminiscing in our journey down the IF path. We could all write incredible books, shows, movies...

But enough tears. It was all a reminder of why I am trapped here in bed. It reenforced that it is well worth it, no matter how cranky I may get. Trust me, I am indeed getting cranky-poor DH. One month in to bed rest and I think I am handling it pretty well over all. I don't think the boredom can be totally escaped. Luckily I have friends and family to talk to, shopping to do, and a wedding album to put together. Really, I'm going to make the album! I'm working to accept the backache as part of the process. I'd kill to know someone who would rub my back each night. It's starting to cost me sleep at night which is no fun. My happy foam mattress is suppose to fight off all backaches! Thus far in my sentence I've handled some medical bills, fought constantly with insurance companies, set up new insurance plans, and decided what color I am next going to paint my bedroom as a consolation prize for over coming bed rest and delivering healthy babies! I'm starting to feel "big". Little tasks like dealing with toe nails and shaving are starting to take more effort. I don't know if I can ask DH to handle these things, but summer is coming and I cannot stand hair legs rubbing together! Weird that it doesn't bother me in the winter LOL!

Wednesday is the next growth scan and visit. I hoping for no cervical changes and lots of growth. I am still really leery of being able to complete the glucose test. I am really happy that it is the end of the school year and DH is taking half a day to take me to my appointment. I need to get my list of questions together and find all my bargaining chips. My Dr will bargain with me to some degree and right now I am itching for a date night! I'm thinking a movie night at the drive-in to see UP! Or whatever else is playing, I just need out! 

Without any further delay...

Week 26! T-98 days and counting!

Crib Day

Well not really. This weekend the nursery was painted and that was exciting. DH did a great job. Now he just has to hit the trim and clean the floors. I received an e-mail that the crib mattresses were in and my father will be delivering them tonight. This makes me all the more anxious to put everything together! Although it is a bit of a rude awakening, we have nothing. Cribs without bedding, a handful of outfits and thats about it. SCARY! I hope the shower will give us a big turn out. That's really what I've been waiting for. I figure it will save us from returning duplicates. 

We've decided to breast feed, although I realize it probably won't be exclusively. My cousin purchased a pump for us so that will be wonderful. We've also decided on cloth diapers which will save us some $$$ in the long run. I keep trying to determine needs from wants, to avoid frivolous spending. I think I am going to start eb.ay-ing lots of outfits and shopping online clearance. Its hard being stuck in bed, I feel like I'm not doing my "motherly duties" and that I won't get to nest. I just have to sit back and hope everything falls into place. However sitting here everyday just allows me to think about everything I should be doing, that should be done. Over all I think that I may be over reacting, but it's a legitimate concern! Off to scour the net.

Hello Weekend

Holiday weekends are the BEST! If your not stuck in bed missing the great sales, beautiful weather and holiday celebrations. This morning I've sent DH out to Ike.a for a new chair, but not my rocking chair. I now agree with him that it would be too much temptation and since this is Ike.a we're talking about I don't have to worry about them changing prices or being sold-out. We're such picky furniture people. 

I do feel very guilty. He has a 3 day weekend and I've loaded him up with chores. Running to stores, the pharmacy, grocery shopping, painting, nursery preparation, laundry, cleaning, and the list goes on. He continually comments that he has no break and I would love to do these things and if the circumstance weren't what they are I would. GLADLY!

Luckily he is getting some help Monday. My cousin is coming down to paint the nursery with him. She is very excited to do so, him less so. I hope he brings up my camera so I can take some before and after pics for my scrapbook. I will hopefully be assembling my wedding album, finally. Although I make no promises. It actually really bothers me how lazy bed rest has made me. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to get through each day. Hopefully it will disappear once I'm allowed to roam again. Until then it's me and my laptop, and the calls to the insurance company! Oh! Hooray for Mary's new laptop, you'll find it a necessary companion once you're truly stuck in bed! 

Today's agenda: showering, browsing for dressers, making sure DH stays in a tolerable mood and staring at the scrapbooking pile of goodies.

The Doctor

"Look who's still pregnant!"

What a way to start my visit. It really made me feel like I didn't take the whole pre-term labor, 50% effacement, emergency cerclage business serious enough. I went in there entirely too hopeful. I knew I wasn't going to be released from bed rest. I did get a little more freedom which is nice. I can sit up a bit more, not long but to eat and things. I plan on showering daily again which will be FABULOUS! The visit itself took forever, they were over booked and running behind. Poor mother was left alone to read about menopause, and felt it necessary to text me as she did so to pass her time! I did get clearance to go to my baby shower so hopefully the anticipation for that will last me through this last month of total rest. Starting at 28 weeks I'm being given the gift of stairs as the dear Dr put it. That is assuming everything remains the same and a certain baby doesn't karate chop her way through my cervix! Of course this doesn't mean movement, this means I can walk downstairs and lay on the couch all day! Which is pretty much useless because our bedroom is on the second floor and the family room with the comfy couch and TV is in the basement and 4 flights of steps is out of the question but I didn't tell her that! She wants me to be able to go out and enjoy the summer. Maybe I'll just stare at my unopened pool as I sweat to death like a beach whale from the deck! 

Yes, it's true. This little outing that I so looked forward to did more harm than good. It must be painfully obvious. DH is upset. But how can I describe it? I've missed 3 weeks of the outside world, and am going to miss a lot more. I stepped outside for the first time and magically everything was green and blooming. I missed the azaleas blooming in the front yard. I missed the trees sprouting life. Everything looks different. They've done road construction and changed lanes. How do you explain to someone that life, although a brief moment, is passing you by? Everyone calls and says oh your must be losing your mind and things of that nature and it's true but they don't know how true. I'm fine being stuck at home, but I'd like to see the rest of my house. I made it downstairs yesterday and it was like everything was more vibrant. It was almost surreal. I knew the house but the paint was bolder, the fish tank far dirtier, my plants far dead-er. I guess being stuck up here you really don't think about things changing. I hear lawns being mowed but don't think about the grass growing. It doesn't help that the only tree I see is the neighbor's always green, never changing, pine tree that I worry will fall on another one of our cars! I just miss outside, and people, and even hassle. 

I miss driving my car and hate that DH is driving it all the time. He complains about going to work. I would love to drive. Driving with mother took me to the brink of insanity. 55mph in a tuna can is not my idea of safe on the beltway. I would love to go to work, and when I stopped by yesterday again I was over come with how different everything was. I have no control over my life. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. They definitely left this out of the book! I was suppose to be working still, walking the dogs with DH, having dinner in the dining room and lapping baby stores and boutiques! Most importantly we were suppose to spend the end of this pregnancy together, at the beach, and nesting. I planned a baby-moon dammit! 

Ah the best laid plans...

I terribly miss my freedom and independence. I miss home more. Yes I care about the babies. All I wanted was for us to be a family and doing that was difficult enough. I know I'm doing what is best but it's killing me in the process. Babies require sacrifice, this I know. But I've sacrificed my identity. I am back to being nothing more than a baby grower. My job is to "grow the babies" and nothing more. I'm not longer a contributing member of this house, I'm not an active wife in any way, I'm even tired of the dogs. This morning I was up changing and DH hugged me and held me for just a second and it was so alien. It had been too long and I no long feel like myself. I feel like a burden, and I am. 

Fat TV

Watching shows about half-ton people while on bedrest eating pudding really makes you re-evaluate your food choices. As much as I want go grow exponentially and give my babies the best, there is a small part of me that fears I will "over-do-it" and be twice my size after delivery. Unrealistic I know, but it's on my mind. 

What is also on my mind is whether or not the horrid ensure will make a difference for the babies? Will I have to have a gestational diabetes test? Have I already developed it? And if I'm on total bedrest, why is it acceptable for me to make the trip to the Dr's where I'll spend approximately an hour at least. Not to mention the hour commute! All that but I can't shower daily? I sure hope my restrictions are eased and the cerclage is doing it's job.

Fun fact: DH wants a picture of the cerclage!

Still Green

My bedroom that is. The walls haven't changed, there are still paint splotches on the ceiling, and I am still losing my mind! The dogs don't seem to mind being stuck with me all day, I just wish the feeling was mutual. The highlight of my week was the arrival of the cribs.

Yes, this beauty times two. Dear Papa came to deliver them. I told DH to hurry home and admire the boxes for me! We ordered them Wally World (http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10759834) and the best part was my parental units picked up the tab. So since they were here I made myself decide on mattresses. You would think it'd be an easy decision but I've been searching for the last two weeks, narrowing my choices. In the end, another Wally World purchase. I feel terribly guilty for ordering cheap mattresses, but the reviews sold me. People even went so far as to complain about firmness and a tight fit! Hello! 

DH is out and about this morning, hitting his least favorite store on earth-The Depot. He plans to work on the girls room so we can start setting things up. Then off to the grocery store for his weekly heart attack over our food bill. We only really had to buy odds and ends and maybe 2 meals per week, that has changed! Hopefully Monday I will call Ver.izon and scream my head off for their incompetency. Just do what I request! P.S. you can keep that $100 service call fee too!! The only problem is I fear they'll have to return which requires recruiting someone to sit here for hours till they show!

Hopefully this headache and mood will pass with the clouds. DH has a performance tomorrow evening so I'll be home alone again. I hope he makes it to see his mama. I have nothing going on in my life so I like to fret over the lives of others. Here's to trying to stay hopefully for Wednesday's appointment.

Venting

I'm starting to crack, this bed rest special is not what I ordered. I'm slightly paranoid that my belly is getting smaller, that I'm not providing enough nutrients or room to grow. I also find myself less connected with the babies. The day of the "big scare" I tried to prepare myself for the worst. At 21 weeks, 3 days they wouldn't survive so it was easier to relinquish hope of a miracle and accept that they were goners. Things have settled down, no more contractions or bloody scares, yet I still haven't allowed myself to re-connect. I'm not sure how one does that, but I know I haven't. Even as I add stuff to our registry (random things to pass the time) I wonder if it will be in vain. At 24 weeks it's 50/50 for survival so what if we only bring home one? Is that an accomplishment? 

All this time to think is dangerous. While I am in a chat all day with family, it's not the same as human interaction. I find myself desperately awaiting the arrival of my husband each day, but I'm disappoint once he's home. I'm still stuck in this room, in this bed. There are things I want done but how can I ask when he's already put in a full day? The things that remain undone eat at me, then I'm in a mood and I can't explain myself without making him feel bad. I guess mother was right and I am a type-A. He waits on me hand and foot, yet I want more. But I feel the things I want are reasonable, I just don't want to break the camel's back. I find myself in a some-what constant state of aggravation. Laying down is wearing thin on my nerves. I know it's best and I continue to do it but I question it's effect on my sanity! 

Oh boy, oh boy!

Yesterday mother came over and cleaned, rather I should say scrubbed. I didn't see anything but DH said the house is spotless. For that, he feels bad. He's just been so busy with school and me, the hospital visits, and now his mother. It's too much pressure and he needs to learn to accept and be grateful for the help. 

Today I found out that they are moving the MIL to a rehab after her fall. Of course FIL is out and about and has no idea. Poor DH is going to lose his mind. Luckily my Papa is coming over again with dinner and to take care of the dogs. I'm sure that DH will be a wreck when he gets home. This week has been hell on him and I feel both responsible and helpless.

I did manage to order an edib.le arrangement for my mother, and now DH wants one for his mama. What's great is that they were so busy they gave us a discount for switching from delivery to pick-up. More work for DH but hopefully he will enjoy the distraction and it won't be additional stress. I can't wait for his school year to be over.

Speaking of which, I need to get my behind in gear to set up how to finish this semester and set up next. Bedrest is putting a real damper on my plans. Thankfully I'm not to insane yet, just getting snippy from being along all day. Hopefully that will ease when DH has a regular schedule back. 

I here my dad....oh joy! Spaghetti!

Baby Hour

So maybe the baby shows aren't the best to watch right now. The episode today was about preterm labor. I really didn't need to be remind my children haven't reached the 24 week 50% survival rate yet. Last night DH laid with me, close to me, and held me which I have missed terribly. He even stayed in bed most of the night when he usually leaves as to not wake me when he is tossing and turning. He laid his hand across my tummy which is so comforting to me. It amazes me that no matter how active they are, they settle when he is around. He yelled at my tummy "kick!" and he'd wait but no kick, then the minute he moved his hand the kick would come. Already trouble!

Luckily it's been rainy and overcast so bed isn't so bad. The baby shows scared me so I've limited my potty breaks. Today DH has a state competition for his band and won't be home till very late. So I'm starting to feel the loneliness. The dogs are comforting but when they whine for food and to be let out I am just helpless. Tonight my father is stopping by to take care of the dogs and bring me some dinner. Tomorrow my mother is stopping by too. I'm actually excited to see her. We are going to order cribs and I'm sure she is going to do some picking up. 

I have to admit that I am really nervous about ordering the cribs. I know that there hasn't been any activity but I worry about delivering too, too early. Then we'd have cribs and possibly no babies which makes me cry just thinking about. We have nothing yet for the babies, well nothing substantial. As much as it bothered me before, it's almost comforting to know that if this ship takes a wrong turn and sinks I won't have a house full of reminders. With my indomethacin stopping today I am a little anxious but know that if I am home resting I must be better off than I think. My cervix was still 2.21 cm so I am hoping it doesn't change at my next visit, or till delivery for that matter! I think 

This is rambling. I'm off for a potty break and to brush my teeth. Hopefully I'll get a shower tonight and fresh sheets! Sometimes it's the little things in life.

What To Say??

So much has happened since Thursday. My world is now upside down and I am really struggling to get my worries and boredom under control.

Thursday was 21 weeks, 3 days. Thursdays are my day off and my To-Do list was growing. I had to drop DH off at work, go home and shower/eat, deal with Dr. P and the insurance company, my Dr. appt, class, presentation, pick-up my car from the shop, pick up shower invites from mother, blah blah blah... DH was not a problem except I had gotten no sleep the night before and 5:30 comes early! I made it home, showered and grab my stuff and some breakfast to go. I called Dr. P's office who was baffled by the whole situation but agreed to meet me outside my Dr's to pick up the papers and take care of everything. It turns out that they've never dealt with this and Dr. P was so aggravative by the lack of common sense from the insurance company that he wrote a letter to send with the paperwork stating the obvious-pathologist don't treat patients. So into my appt, nothing out of the blue. I went back for u/s and cervical length. 

Very typical, only this time during cervical she pressed on my tummy. That was different but I really didn't think much of it. Babies looked great as normal, they had good fluid around them. I was off to get bp, weight and see the Dr. I noticed that there were ultrasounds on top of my file. I was a little curious but I felt fine, nothing weird had happened and I gained 2 lbs and was up to 108 lbs.! She comes in, I get felt up, then it's:

Dr.-"I have good news and bad news, see me when you get dressed."

Me-"My cervix?!"

Dr.-"You betcha."

Turns out that my cervix had shortened, funneled at the top, and with pressure applied was opened with the membranes possibly sticking out. But she was so nice about it, and it wasn't the end of the world and we just needed to "fix it." She went on about cerclages and I was just in a fog. She rambled on and we were done and I asked went we were doing this=this afternoon. I think it was then I really started to freak. So I go and schedule and freak. I text and call DH and tell him to meet me at L&D and go to the car. It was then I realized that I had his car, he was stranded and that really brought out the tears. I was facing an emergency, heading into OR with the possibility of rupturing membranes and having to deliver babies that won't survive-all with no DH! But he got a ride and off we were to the great unknown.

Everything went well, except the contractions started and I was monitored and given more and more trebutelen(sp?) which I hated. We were allowed to go home but were right back Friday. Only Friday my doc wasn't around and the on call admitted me for the weekend, on t-berg bedrest where my feet were above my head and I couldn't get out of bed or sit up. I gathered that I was admitted because I was contracting. However the assistant "cleaned" my cervix of blood so no wonder I was contracting! We were left in triage for an hour before DH went on a mission to find out what was going on. He was the one who told me they were admitting me and when came back pale and just sat at the foot of my bed and hugged my feet I knew it wasn't good. 

Friday was the hardest. I knew he had to leave to take care of the dogs and get some rest. The later it got the more upset I got. The more I cried the more I contracted. I still wish he would have stayed with me that night. I had this irrational fear that once they moved me from L&D to High Risk OB that he wouldn't be able to find me. That was the worst though. Each day he came and stayed with me from morning to night. He brought me things to do and read and most importantly things to eat! He really is the best and I couldn't have asked for more.

After a weekend of no changes my wonderful doctor showed up proclaiming everyone was an idiot. My being put in t-berg and not allowed out of bed was over kill and I was discharged to strict home bedrest once the sono people could confirm that nothing had changed. I've been in bed ever since and will continue to be until delivery which hopefully will be in August. I'm still struggling to come to terms with over 3 months of being bedridden but so far it's still tolerable. I'm sure DH is losing his mind but he is glad to have me back home. I just need to get the house I can't see back into order from my bed!

More later, I have some very nosey dogs eyeing my lunch.